Steroid Bible stories

[mikhal]

The REAL story of Job

Verily, I say, the day came, when Satan and God were working out together. During benching, God said to Satan, look at my servant Job, he benches twice his bodyweight, and has better proportions than you do Satan. Satan in his anger, retorted, that is because you allow Job to have test and fina, and jump his cycles with Dbol. Take those away and Job will shrink.

So God, allowing this possibility, came one night, and took all of Jobs sources gear, and replaced it with fakes. Now when Job went to buy a cycle again, all he recieved was sugar pills, and oil. Jobs wife was the first to notice the difference, when Job didn't chase her around the house demanding sex 24 hours a day after his cycle had begun. Job also noticed, his strength didn't skyrocket, as it usually did. Upset, he called out to God "Lord, Lord, why have you forsaken me?" God however, did not reply.

Job, knowing gear was just one part of the puzzle, did not lose his faith. He instead, trusted in God, and ate super clean, lifted heavy, took creatine, protein powder and his other supplements and made sure he got additional rest. Jobs gains kept comming, although at a slower rate.

That day, Satan and God were doing legs. God said, "Verily, look at my servant Job, I have taken away his juice, and he yet gains" Giving Satans small wheels a smirking glance as he spoke. Satan angrily retorted "It is because you allow him creatine, and other supplements...take those away, and Job will shrink, and stop lifting"

God again conceded this point, and made Jobs creatine go bad, and his other supplements useless intert powder. The next day, Job noticed he wasn't pissing his usual flourescent colors because of his high vitamin intake, and realized what had happened. Again, he called to God "Why have you forsaken me?" Again, God did not reply. Now Jobs lifting partners got into it, telling Job "obviously you have pissed off God, and you may as well quit lifting" Job however, was undeterred. He knew God had given him a body that would respond to simply a clean diet, and hard workouts, so he continued, and his gains continued.

Now during Back and bicep day, Satan stormed in angrily, and demanded "Who is this Job? You have taken away his gear, his supplements, and yet he STILL trains, and he STILL grows!" To this God replied, Job isa wise man, who knows, I have gifted him, and all of My children, with a body that will grow WITHOUT supplements and without juice. Thru all My persecutions, Job has kept consistant, and has not faltered in his faith, therefore, he has continued to grow. Satan stormed angrily back to hell, his 13" guns shaking in rage.

God however, finished his workout, then blessed Job with painless high mg/mL gear, and purer protein powder. He also blessed Job with an additional inch on his arms, and 4 inches on his chest, while removing an inch from his waist, that all could see..the blessings of God for those who kept their faith in the body He had given them



The Story of Moses

After God had liberated his people from the land of Egypt, where they were kept on a vegitarian diet, and not allowed sufficient protein intake, he led them into the desert. The sons of God at first were overjoyed, quickly setting up squat racks, and incline press benches. However, after a while, the people grumbled, that their diet of snake, scorpion, and cactus flesh, just wasn't getting it done for maximum anabolism. Eventually, their complaints reached God, who sent them tasty protein wafers, which fell to the ground with the morning dew. Gods only commandment was to only take what they could eat that day, for if they hoarded them (as bodybuilders are apt to do) the protein would degrade, and the wafers would not be useful. At first, the people did not obey, and quickly found, by the next day, the protein wafers tasted worse than Wieders Dynamic Mucle Gainer in water. Therefore, they learned, and again, the Sons of God grew strong, and buff, and again, their women grew tight and toned, and the robes worn..became shorter and shorter, as more wished to display their bodies.

Bootleg gear manufacturers quickly sprang up, as many still remembered the art of brewing the sacred juice. Test cycles became frequent, and dbol tabs became as common as grains of wheat. God looking down saw, that unfoirtunatly, many began abusing his gifts, and using them without research, or common sense. Teen boys began stopping growing at 14, and developing lovely sets of B-cups. Women began getting deep voices, and facial hair..and God was not pleased.

Therefore, God called on Moses, one of the most jacked, heaviest juicing of the Sons of Man. During Moses's morning cardio, of mountain sprints, God appeared to him, and Moses fell to the ground, hiding his eyes at the site of God, with delts like bowling balls, a lat spread bigger than the Roman couleseum, and a V shape that put the pyrimids to shame. Handing Moses two huge stone tablets, God commanded Moses to bring them back to his people. "Is this for aditional resistance Lord? "Moses asked? In a moment of fina rage, God considered obliviating Moses with a bolt of lightning, but then remembered, Moses may have been the biggest mofo down there, but he wasn't always the brightest. "No, you are to read them to My people" God commanded.

So Moses lumbered down the mountain, getting a great quad workout lugging those heavy tablets. When he reached the bottom, he called all the people together, and announced "These are Gods commandments, which ALL thru the generations must obey, or face the wrath of God"

I. Thou shalt not juice until you are finished growing

II. Tho shalt use test as the base of any cycle.

III. Thou shalt not use an orals only cycle.

IV. Thou shalt protect thy liver, for I only give you one

V. Thou shalt not brag to others about your juice use

VI Thou shalt keep your source private, and secure, that he may go on serving you

VII. Thou shalt always use sterile injection tecniques

VIII. Thou shalt not be cheap with post cycle anciliaries

IX. The gifts I give you, are not meant to make up for poor diet or lazy workouts

X. Thou shalt NEVER start a cycle without all gear, and all anciliaries in your posession.

The Sons of Man took these commandments to heart, and once again, grew strong, with a minimum of side effects, therefore, they praised God in His wisdom

[hitmansb]

If the bible were more like this, I might actually have given a damn back in the days when I actually went to church.

BTW...I'm moving this to general chat.

[Skyefire]

You need to include the author with that. His name is wardog and he was from AM
http://www.anabolicminds.com/forum/s...ighlight=cycle

[bigpetefox]

Originally posted by Skyefire
You need to include the author with that. His name is wardog and he was from AM
http://www.anabolicminds.com/forum/s...ighlight=cycle

I was gonna say the same, brother..

BUMP!

[Primal Instinct]

Wardog is a wise man (pun intended), lol. I advise reading the gospel according to Rick Collins Thanks for the post, Mikhal.

ps...would you consider the current Biden bill "Revelations?"