T.O. Due for a career change

[bad14u]

He may be unaware of the remuneration potential, but Terrell Owens should send a bill to sports columnists and talk-show hosts.

T.O. has performed as expected, and we've being following his bread crumbs. Perhaps a temporary nickname upgrade can be T. Owe.
Without another Owens tale this week, columnists and talk-show thinkers may have been obliged to debate Major League Baseball's rookies of the year or build some future grievance on behalf of Alabama football fans.

We should be grateful that T.O.'s Hall-of-Fame-caliber selfishness has allowed us to avoid the NHL or cheerleaders-gone-wild as viable topics. His ability to wreck a team — despite superlative on-field contributions — can provoke a rare level of sanctimonious chatter.

With this debt of thanks established, I'm here to assist T.O. in what may become a crisis of short-term employment. In case you missed it, the Philadelphia Eagles have decided to prolong their suspension of Owens and finish his season with an unscheduled visit to the inactive list.

T.O. will be paid about a million scoots not to play. While that seems like a sweet gig, Owens has made it clear his lifestyle and familial obligations require a lot more cash.

Anyway, with Owens looking for work, a few obvious job options spring to mind:

He could play for the Oakland Raiders, who may overlook T.O.'s lack of actual criminal activity and hire him. Unfortunately, this predictable marriage couldn't occur for a while.

More immediate work opportunities may include fighting (for money) Mike Tyson and/or Tonya Harding. Another obvious means of employment would be working for the U.S. Postal Service.

But I'm prepared to dig deeper in an effort to repay Terrell for all of the bitter column motivation he's provided over the years. Before zeroing in on a list of professions, let's examine T.O.'s professional history.

OK, he's been an NFL wide receiver for many years.

This means he's fast, strong and agile, as well as prone to fits of his exploding ego.

With this template in place, I've come up with the following employment list:


-Auto Mechanic
T.O. should have no trouble sliding under a car after having thrown teammate Donovan McNabb under the bus.


-Surgeon
Owens could make even better use of his great hands before allowing someone else to close the deal for him.


-Talk-Show Host
I'm thinking of a therapy-based program broadcast on worldwide television. The working title might be Dr. Philly.


-Sports Apparel Model
We already know T.O. loves to strut around in skin-tight body suits. He'd be perfect as the spokesmodel for a new line called Underpaid Armour. Here's the rallying cry: "We must protect … me!"


-James Bond
Although his current agent is far from secret, Owens may have the personality to pull off this role. Remember, he leaves team chemistry shaken, not stirred.


-Green Bay Packer
If Brett Favre hangs on for another season, T.O. could play with the quarterback who would have made the Eagles unbeaten in 2005. Touchdown celebrations would introduce an entity that might be referred to as the "Lambeau Creep."


-Fisherman
Owens looms as quite the deep threat, even though the Eagles have reduced his prevailing qualifications to "catch and release."


-Waiter
I'm not sure T.O. would take the time to memorize any daily specials, but he'd be more than willing to spend 30 minutes going over his whine list.


-ESPN Studio Analyst
You never know when Michael Irvin may be stricken with laryngitis.


-Jeopardy Contestant
"Ill take 'Songs of the '60s' for 200, Alex. What? I don't care if we haven't gotten to Double Jeopardy yet. I want 200. And I want it now."


-Reality Show Competitor
Survivor isn't what I had in mind; T.O. would be the first person voted off of any island. But Owens and his current predicament might qualify him for The Amazing Disgrace. If contestants are required to go around the world in an effort to out-disgrace the competition, Ricky Williams may be the person to beat.


-Pizza Delivery Man
T.O. could get the pie to your house in plenty of time, but he may attempt to increase the previously negotiated price.


-Librarian
While his own book may be overdue, Owens figures to be the first librarian to receive the prompt of sshh! from visitors.


-Weather Man
It seems that T.O. has no idea which way the wind blows. But as someone whose interpretation of an existing climate often is dead wrong, he'd fit right in.


-Rap Star
Owens already has had some success on the other side of a recording studio, but he may be more suited to rockin' the mike. The stage name I'm going with is "2 Cent," which sort of defines T.O.'s inability to shut up when shutting up is important.


-Window Washer
Thanks to the Eagles and his own decisions, T.O. is experienced at being on the outside looking in.


-Blogger
What could be more fun than reading T.O.'s rants on the subjects of McNabb and the Eagles' organization? Here's where to find it: thegrudgereport.com.


-Novelist
Owens is much stranger than fiction, but a little autobiographical information could find its way into Pass-Catcher in the Rye.


-Poker Player
I haven't seen T.O.'s poker face, but no one can flush anything better than this guy. Too bad he failed to convince the Eagles that they should make an all-in commitment


-Fitness Video Guru
The outcome of his scrap with Hugh Douglas has not been verified, but Owens probably used a few techniques from a fighting style know as T.O.-bo.


-Governor
We're not sure about Arnold, but there's little doubt that T.O. will be back.