What's my problem? - SuperiorMuscle.com

Rhinosaurus · #1 04-13-04, 10:12 AM

I've been seeing the woman I'm with now for almost 4 years now. She's great. We have so much in common, more than anyone I've seen in the past. As a matter of fact we've been talking about getting married.

My problem is that I get fucked up dreams of my ex-wife. My ex and I met when I was 22 and she was 19. We had some awesome times. But for as many good times there were just as many bad times. We dated off and on for 7 years before we decided to get married. During those seven years of dating there was many a bad feeling she was fucking around on me. The last time we split up before we decided to get married, I found this to be true. But being too nice of a guy, being a bit of an idiot and still in love with her we got back together and married. The whole time I still had a vibe that she had not changed her ways. Long story short we split after two years of marriage. We stayed seperated up to 2003 when we finally divorced.

Now this is what I don't understand... my ex was very manipulative, a bit of a scammer and could be very cold hearted at times. Why do I have dreams about her that are so strong that they have a way of making me feel like shit and I might dwell on it for days? Some dreams are of us getting together and life is grand, most are of her fucking with my head. Believe me, I do not want her back. We are just too different( I didn't realize it then). Our goals in life are miles apart. Not to mention there could never be any trust, something I value more than anything in a relationship. It just kills me that she still has, in away, a hold on me. There are times, like right now, that it kills me.

Have any of you gone through this shit? I welcome your comments. Thanks.

bad14u · #2 04-13-04, 10:35 AM

I'm no shrink but I think your ex did one hell of a number on your mind!!! I was in something very similar with an ex for seven years and it fucked with me for awhile!!! It also kept fucking up other relationships that I was in!!! She cheated on you and now...IMO...your subconcious is acting out at night, reliving what you went through yet it is also acting out what you want from your new girl but putting your ex's face in it's place!!! It seems so real and that is why it messes with you for days!!! Don't let it Bro!!! I lost some great loves in my life because of what my ex did to me!!! Let your new girl know what is going on but reassure her that you do not want anything to do with your ex!!! If she really loves you she will understand and will help you work through your problems!!! Good Luck Bro!!!

Rhinosaurus · #3 04-13-04, 10:52 AM

Bad14u, thanks for your input! But I have to admit, it scares me to tell my new sweetheart anything about this. She understands how bad my ex was but to tell her I have dreams(more like nightmares) about her... she might not take it the right way.

When my ex and I split up before we decided to get married, it just about killed me. I was one of those guys that if you gave them a second that's all they wanted to talk about was 'what went wrong?' LOL! It must have been so bad that after I got married my family and friends saw her pulling the same shit she did before and thought I was going to be hellbound for the funny farm. But I think deep in my heart I knew it was coming too and I didn't take it nearly as bad as everyone thought I would. But I'm wondering if I'm paying the price after all these years now. Fucked up ain't it?

bad14u · #4 04-13-04, 11:03 AM

Fucked Up isn't the word for it!!!If she knows how your ex was, she should understand the nightmares!!! It is that exact fear that you need to get past!!! That fear is a way of your ex still having a hold on you and you have to get past it!!! Talk to her and reassure her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her but let her know about the nightmares!!!I wish you the best of luck!!!

TheStromba · #5 04-13-04, 11:05 AM

Do not tell your current girl. IMO, the dreams will fade with time I know that it already has been a while, but they will fade.

Face · #6 04-13-04, 11:11 AM

Its human nature to want what you can't have. The way your ex kept messing around on you probably made you feel quite inadequate, along the lines of "Why does she need to keep sleeping around with other guys when she has me, am I not enough for her?" Hence from the day you split till now, your deep psychi keeps on wandering what aspects of you were unable to satisfy your ex, and whether you would ever have been able to have stopped her messing..... This comes out in the very typical dreams you have, of a future where your ex and you managed to stay together and everything worked itself out, you were finally enough for her......... These dreams are probably nothing to do with her at all, but linked to your fear of of not being able to satisfy all your partners need, physical and emotional, and hence stop them looking around.

The truth of the matter is that at certain stages of life, certain women could never be satisified by one man, they will always look around, get bored, etc, no matter how much you offer them or how deeply you fulfill their dreams.

Rhinosaurus · #7 04-13-04, 11:22 AM

Bad14u and Stromba I'm going to have to think this one over a bit. I don't want to fuck anything up.

Face, that makes sense. Knowing her background though it was probably in her blood. Her father fucked around on her mother, her brother fucked around on his wife and her other brother could never seem to kee any type of relationship. Do you think the dreams will eventually stop as Stromba thinks?

bad14u · #8 04-13-04, 11:35 AM

Let's say that your girl is the one with the dreams...would you want her to talk to you about them??? Yes/No...there is your answer!!! If you have so much in common...would you understand??? Wouldn't you want her to feel that she can talk to you about anything???

Rhinosaurus · #9 04-13-04, 11:42 AM

LOL! You're right bro! Thanks.

trip · #10 04-13-04, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Face
Its human nature to want what you can't have. The way your ex kept messing around on you probably made you feel quite inadequate, along the lines of "Why does she need to keep sleeping around with other guys when she has me, am I not enough for her?" Hence from the day you split till now, your deep psychi keeps on wandering what aspects of you were unable to satisfy your ex, and whether you would ever have been able to have stopped her messing..... This comes out in the very typical dreams you have, of a future where your ex and you managed to stay together and everything worked itself out, you were finally enough for her......... These dreams are probably nothing to do with her at all, but linked to your fear of of not being able to satisfy all your partners need, physical and emotional, and hence stop them looking around.

The truth of the matter is that at certain stages of life, certain women could never be satisified by one man, they will always look around, get bored, etc, no matter how much you offer them or how deeply you fulfill their dreams.

Excellent post Face, just excellent

Dreams should fade after time, and you feel much more comfortable with the relationship

Good Luck

Face · #11 04-13-04, 12:49 PM

The dreams will go away with time, when your mind finally accepts that your not the one to blame for your old relationship failing.... The inadequacy never lay at your doorstep.

And when i say your mind accepts this fact, i don't mean its just enough to say this to yourself everyday and hope that it sticks, thats not the way the subconscious works. The wounds and feelings will heal of their own accord and can't be forced.

As for whether you tell your girlfriend or not, this is entirely a judgement call on your part; nobody knows your situation, your partner, or your own mind as well as you do. Therefore, the only right decision is the one that comes from you; but by all means use these boys past experiences to guide you.

I only ask that you consider these questions before you make any decisions:

1) Will telling my current girlfriend benefit me or her in any way?

2) Is the relationship stable and strong enough to cope with this (maybe a bit of role reversal would help here - be honest to yourself)

3) Has my girlfriend got the emotional strength to deal with this situation over which she is powerless- the last thing you want to do is pass on feelings of inadequacy to her, such that she feels inadequate for you and the whole cycle starts messing up her head as well....

Puddles · #12 04-13-04, 03:46 PM

The nightmares should gradually dissapear in time. IMO telling your g/f of the nightmares might be a relief to you...maybe you're feeling guilty for having the dreams? Since they are nightmares instead of nice dreams, your g/f can't be mad either.

Good luck...heartbreak sucks and sounds like your ex really did a number on you. There's just no understanding some people.

Rhinosaurus · #13 04-14-04, 12:53 AM

Face, I read on another post where you said you were 22 years old. I gotta say you have a lot of wisdom for a young guy. I appreciate your advice and time.

MrsPuddlesFL, some of the dreams are cool but others can be nightmares. They both make me feel shitty though because they get me thinking about her. And you know, it's the only time I do think about her. Thank God I don't have them all the time.

I believe you're right about telling my sweetheart. I haven't told anyone about this up until this thread. If I would of told my family they would think I was nuts, lol. You wouldn't believe how much this helps, talking about it. I've read a lot of your posts and you always have good advice. Thanks.

TrippersGirl · #14 04-14-04, 01:12 AM

She'll appreciate your honesty and in the long run you'll be able to feel that much closer to her knowing you can be open. As for completly getting over your ex, its extremely hard. No quick fix on that one. When you think of your ex after you've woken up from your dreams, do you miss her?

Rhinosaurus · #15 04-14-04, 01:33 AM

TrippersGirl, most of the dreams I have of her are of her screwing with my head, playing games. I wake up a bit depressed, wondering why the hell am I dreaming of her. Then I spend the day or so thinking of her. These dreams don't happen all the time, maybe once a month or so. But when it happens it sucks.

Believe me, I don't want her back. It just bugs me that after 5 years, in away, she still messing with me.

By the way, love your pictures! Your sweetheart is a lucky guy.

TrippersGirl · #16 04-14-04, 01:52 AM

awww thanks Rhino!

GT is a sweetheart, he eats all our home made peanut butter cookies for me!! grrr. that's of course so I can watch my girlie figure hehehe. j/t, i'm the piggy in the house....I hope everything works out with you and your g/f.

Face · #17 04-14-04, 03:57 AM

Yeah, good luck Rhino, don't worry too much, these things have a way of sorting themselves out eventually....

Let us know what happens......

BIKER_GIXXER · #18 04-14-04, 06:39 AM

Well bro, this is going to sound harsh, but please don't take it personally, it's only my opinion. STOP BEING SUCH A WUSSIE!!! You sound like a good person and your feelings about the situation sound genuine, but you need to ‘butch up’ and move on. You sound like a little school girl (no offense to the ladies) that just had her heart broken by the popular football jock.

Sounds like you have one hell of a girl now, why are you dwelling on your Ex, because you’re having dreams about her? SO WHAT! You situation with your ex is in the past, leave it there!

I’m not saying it will be easy, but I don’t see you doing much to help yourself.

Good luck bro…

Face · #19 04-14-04, 07:37 AM

I don't think thats very fair. Dreams are not something that one can control in the usual realms of normality. And moreover they have a profound influence on how you feel, not only immediately afterwards but in the long term. If he "butches up" as you so put it, he will simply be brushing the issue under the carpet and leaving it for another day. He is doing the right thing by confronting them and trying to deal with them, the wussie approach is to sweep them under the carpet.

BIKER_GIXXER · #20 04-14-04, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Face
I don't think thats very fair. Dreams are not something that one can control in the usual realms of normality. And moreover they have a profound influence on how you feel, not only immediately afterwards but in the long term. If he "butches up" as you so put it, he will simply be brushing the issue under the carpet and leaving it for another day. He is doing the right thing by confronting them and trying to deal with them, the wussie approach is to sweep them under the carpet.

I'm not trying to make it sound 'fair', nothing is fair in life. I know he can't control Dreams, who can? What he can control is how the dreams make him feel. He can put his tail between his legs and let his emotions get the best of him, or he can 'butch up' and not let that happen. You control your emotions, not the other way around.

Again, this is my opinion. If he decides to tell me to F off, so be it. I'm just trying to contribute to this thread, so I apologize if I hurt anyone’s 'feelings'.

trip · #21 04-14-04, 09:25 AM

Rhino,

In general you really don't have a problem.

What you're going through is fairly common, lot's of folks expereince it. As you are just now finding out, lot's of problems end up getting worse when we end up trying to hold them in, it is when we finally express them and get some good positive supportive feedback from others that we either find good solutions , or the comforting fact that hey, we are not alone, and all has worked out for others.

Agree with you Face has excpetionally uncommon wisdom at a young age, very inspiring to see.

IMHO, don't think you really have a problem, what you're going through is fairly normal.

Going to make the assumption that you are an A+ guy, with A+ intentions, such so that you are always willing to give 110, and help others, and put others first. ( that seems to be how old relationship was )

In general terms whenever you give like you normally do, things work out great and you feel good. Well, since it did not happen in your marriage, like face said, sub-conciously that is bugging the heck out of you, kind of like the old story the princess and the pea. You are focsuing on one teeny tiny negative, and trying to figure out WHY?

Now, because your smart and logical their is safety in figuring out the WHY, especially as you go forward into the new relationship, don't want to repeat sins from the past.

So, you're trying to figure out this WHY? So, you're mind runs through a zillion scenerios of What IF?

Well, the simple fact that the sub-concious has not yet accepted is there is NO ANSWER to the WHY?

No matter how hard you tried in marriage, your EX had major issues. Kind of like if she had had cancer, in your mind you would not take responsibility or expect to fix it because you know for a fact impossible. Yet, since there were a bunch of great times thrown in with a bunch of horrible times your mind is trying to discern the difference and figure out WHY?

Your ex, without getting into a bunch of stuff, has extremely erratic value system, she's up and down and all over the place like the weather, and you were not, your basic value was too give because that made for good, well in her case that wasn't so.

She's just a person who displays no consistency and because she doesn't life is always erratic and she's all over the place.

Bottom line is you cannot help people who won't help themselves, period, end of story. ( hey, there's a why for you )

You sound like an A+ guy, this is just a chance too learn and grow, we all go through it, and come out better for it.

Just know, in the end you are not alone, many of us have struggled with similar issues, and not only survived, yet, learned and went onto too tremendous happiness.

That's probably where you are headed, right over the next hill.

Hoped This Helped
Good Luck

Face · #22 04-14-04, 09:52 AM

Biker, i am not trying to make your point sound invalid, i am sorry if you feel that way. i am just trying to say that dreams have a lot of control over a person. If you have had a very intense dream, you'll appreciate that its very hard not to take it to heart, sometimes dreams can be a lot more intense than real life experiences because of their discontinued, erratic and short-lived nature. I think forcing yourself to feel a certain way is not resolving the problem, but avoiding the issue altogether; Rhino has already said that he tries to make the dreams have no consequence in his life, but the fact they keep recurring suggests to me the problem lies too deep just to dismiss it, take a big gulp of water and get on with it.

Problems of such a deep nature need to be confronted or avoided. Avoidance is easier than confrontation, but my feeling is if rhino was to suppress these feelings and just try to move on without any further thought to this matter, the dreams would continue or maybe even get worse (its said that your suppressed, bottled up feelings are what comes out in dreams).

Rhinosaurus · #23 04-14-04, 10:32 AM

BIKER_GIXXER, I LMAO at your post. Thanks! Yeah, there were times I thought I was being a big woos. No offense taken. I believe sometimes you need that kick in the pants too.

I have to thank everyone here for all their time and help. You made me realize that I'm not all that nutsy after all. I really appreciate it! It's great that you can open yourself to strangers and get so much help. I hope someday, down the road, I'll be able to repay you guys. Thanks again!

BIKER_GIXXER · #24 04-14-04, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Face
Biker, i am not trying to make your point sound invalid, i am sorry if you feel that way. i am just trying to say that dreams have a lot of control over a person. If you have had a very intense dream, you'll appreciate that its very hard not to take it to heart, sometimes dreams can be a lot more intense than real life experiences because of their discontinued, erratic and short-lived nature. I think forcing yourself to feel a certain way is not resolving the problem, but avoiding the issue altogether; Rhino has already said that he tries to make the dreams have no consequence in his life, but the fact they keep recurring suggests to me the problem lies too deep just to dismiss it, take a big gulp of water and get on with it.

Problems of such a deep nature need to be confronted or avoided. Avoidance is easier than confrontation, but my feeling is if rhino was to suppress these feelings and just try to move on without any further thought to this matter, the dreams would continue or maybe even get worse (its said that your suppressed, bottled up feelings are what comes out in dreams).

I see your point and understand, no harm done. However, I'm not preaching he avoid it, disregard it or brush it off, I was simply trying to throw some 'tough love' at him, hoping it would force him to look at the situation from a 'different' angle. I think your post, along with the others are great if your trying to give him a 'hug' and say 'it will be o.k.'. I just wanted to give our boy a kick in the ass, see if it would motivate him a bit, LOL.