Am I Overreacting? - SuperiorMuscle.com

Curls4dGirls · #1 02-20-05, 10:57 AM

So, here's the deal. I'm dating this girl, and it's fairly serious. So, last weekend, while I'm out of town, I get a drunk message from her, and she says that this guy kept hitting on her and that she misses me.

Anyway, the next night, he ends up calling and leaving a message that he had a really good time hanging out with her and that they should go out this coming week. She ends up telling me that they danced and talked a lot and that he tried to kiss her twice. She said she didn't kiss him, and I believe her. She also told him repeatedly she has a boyfriend.

Then, she tells me that she got in a fight with her friends about me. I asked why, and she told me that this guy (different guy) was hitting on her and she overheard her friends saying,"Obviously, they (meaing her and me) aren't meant to be." She argued with them about it, saying we are meant to be. She also told this guy repeatedly that she has a boyfriend.

Regardless, she's acting in a way where a guy feels comfortable enough to try kiss her and call and ask her out ... and she's acting in a way that her friends say that we're not meant to be. So, I ask myself, would I be bothered if she was acting this way in front of me ... of course, I would be bothered.

Should it matter that she's acting that way with me around or not around? I don't think it should. I'm not jealous at all, it's more that she's leading guys on. It bothers me because I don't know why she wouldn't just walk away if she doesn't want these guys hitting on her.

am I overreacting?

edvedr · #2 02-20-05, 11:08 AM

i don't think your overreacting at all! and how did that first guy get her #? if you have a committment with her then thats not a way for her to be acting!

Curls4dGirls · #3 02-20-05, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by edvedr
i don't think your overreacting at all! and how did that first guy get her #? if you have a committment with her then thats not a way for her to be acting!

Her best friend (who is good friends with this guy) gave it to him.

bonebreaker · #4 02-20-05, 12:00 PM

I don't think you're overreacting at all. You're behaving in the manner I think you should be. You're being cautious and weighing all the facts and not being judgemental, yet. I think you should continue to be cautious and gather facts. Look and listen how she acts when she's with you towards other people, especially guys. You'll be able to tell in a flash if she's giving guys the "come on". If she is, casual flirting is a sign of problems ahead. When you're not with her and she tells you something similar to this again, remember, what she tells you will probably NOT be all that took place. Keep your ears to the ground and nose to the wind. Usually, where there's smoke, there's fire somewhere. BB

lordikon · #5 02-20-05, 12:37 PM

I would try not to have strong feelings for this girl until this shit is sorted out. That way you don't end up hurt if she fucks you over.

Puddles · #6 02-20-05, 01:02 PM

You said you got a drunk message from her. DRUNK is the problem if you're not around. Her defenses will be down and she may not intend to lead guys on, but it can happen. Being wasted isn't a good idea when she's out like that without you around. Guys are horny and will try to take advantage of her and if her defenses are down she may get into trouble.

If a guy finds a girl attractive and she's not out with another guy he's gonna do his best to get her. She may think she's giving off signals of rejection to the guy but he thinks she's playing hard to get. She needs to be careful.

Try having a heart to heart talk to her about it.

JUICE · #7 02-20-05, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by edvedr
i don't think your overreacting at all! and how did that first guy get her #? if you have a committment with her then thats not a way for her to be acting!

i say the same thing.

Maybe some girls like the attention, and since if they look nice of course they want it more. It also depends on what type of girl she is. When i was dating before, i would always ask around about the girl or even try to find out more about them. Some girls werent even worth it, some had alot of miles on them and some had shitloads of guy in the past. The current girl i got right now, shes cool, i liked everything about her. The begining was a little bumpy but turned out to be good.

Face · #8 02-20-05, 01:32 PM

I say you tell her the things you've just told us, and see what her response is. But like everybody else, I don't think you're overreacting at all, I would have my guard up in the same situation....

hlcn8 · #9 02-20-05, 02:41 PM

keep your guard up, but remain kind and loving towards her at the same time. from experience, a girls friends can make dating that girl a nightmare, and if you explode or act in any way offensively they'll use that as further ammo to say you two aren't meant to be with eachother. weather the situation through, talk openly and honestly with eachother, and if things don't work out, then she deserves the results.
personally, i think it's really shitty of people to hit on girls who are with someone. unless their boyfriend is mistreating them, they're putting another person in a position they would hate to be in as well. it's not about being a player, it's about honesty, integrity, and not being a douchebag. i think those same people, who expect a girl to cheat on someone else to be with them, are often cheaters themselves, and aren't the type of person anyone should want to be in a long term relationship with anyways.
best of luck bro, she was drunk and may have let her guard down a little bit, but she still drew a line and stuck to it. show her why you're the person for her by being true, and she'll notice it herself.

Stonecold54 · #10 02-20-05, 06:25 PM

well at least you know she is hot with all the guys hitting on her...as far as hope for long term commitment I don't see it happening.

Pumpdogg · #11 02-20-05, 09:07 PM

Where there is smoke you can bet there is fire. Drop the drama queen bro, they are more trouble than they are worth as time passes. Trust ole PD we have penty of hot chicks on this planet and dont need to waste our time on ones we can not totally trust, and remember birds of the feather flock together. If she has the kind of friends that dont respect commitment chances are neither dose she. Not trying to bring you down, just keepin it real bro. Best of luck to ya

PD

psyko1 · #12 02-21-05, 08:08 AM

you're not overreacting at all. how long have you two been together? you say it's serious, do you love her? i've been hurt in the past and i've been lied to about it, but i am still with the same girl after almost 5 years. love may blind you as it did to me but despite all of it i'm glad i chose to not walk away from this relationship. and i am grateful for her staying with me through THICK and THIN. i've not been a perfect boyfriend, i've actually been the worst i could ever be, but she still will not walk away. and i love her for that. your girl told you one thing then you heard his message and she told you the truth, but it wasn't until she had no choice. you have to think about that. i speak from experience. so now you have to think of the possiblity that she is still not telling the truth. another thing he was her best friends friend, meaning that they will see each other again, and he probably knows all about you. unfortunately the only way to ever know the truth is to ask someone else that was there, other than her friends and the guy.

Mr incredible · #13 02-21-05, 08:33 AM

She's teasing, its not right, she needs to grow up, you need to state your values and what you expect from her and treat her with the same respect, If I danced with another lady my fiance would kick the shit out of me.

You have a small problem with her attitude,

there's only one way to sort that out,

"You need to fuck her in the ass"

dreamgirl · #14 02-21-05, 09:35 AM

you're not over reacting... not at all

bad14u · #15 02-21-05, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Curls4dGirls
So, last weekend, while I'm out of town, I get a drunk message from her,

She ends up telling me that they danced and talked a lot and that he tried to kiss her twice.

She also told him repeatedly she has a boyfriend.

Then, she tells me that she got in a fight with her friends about me. I asked why, and she told me that this guy (different guy) was hitting on her

Regardless, she's acting in a way where a guy feels comfortable enough to try kiss her and call and ask her out ... and she's acting in a way that her friends say that we're not meant to be. So, I ask myself, would I be bothered if she was acting this way in front of me ... of course, I would be bothered.

I don't think it should. I'm not jealous at all, it's more that she's leading guys on. It bothers me because I don't know why she wouldn't just walk away if she doesn't want these guys hitting on her.

am I overreacting?

Just a few red flags that I would like to point out!

Drunk message...never good! She is out getting loaded and guys are gonna take advantage of that! Her inhibitions are down and she likely to do something then blame the alcohol!

If they were dancing and talking alot then she kept enticing him to try something in my opinion! If he tried to kiss her then she should have never kept dancing and talking with him!

If her friends are fighting with her about this I would be concerned! They probably know her pretty well and have seen the pattern of behavior!

If she acted that way in front of you I would say she likes to try and make boyfriends jealous and see what buttons she can push! I have been there and done that...bad situation! Get out!

Curls4dGirls · #16 02-21-05, 07:28 PM

First .... thanks for all the comments. Very helpful. Let me tell you guys what's happened.

I talked to a couple of my friends as well, and they basically said the same things all my SM friends said. So, I decided to tell her exactly what I told you guys. I told her that I trust that she's not hooking up with guys or dating other guys, but that I don't think that someone in a commited relationship should be out getting drunk and flirting with / enticing other guys.

Holy shit, did she get pissed.

First, she accused me of not trusting her. I reminded her that I just told her I trusted her and that it's not about trust.

Next, she tried the denial route. BUT, she forgot that she had told me that she did flirt with the guy from last weekend. So, she tried to say that 98% of people don't think flirting is innocent. I lauged to myself and said,"I ran this by a lot of people, and everyone said that I have a right to be pissed." Plus, if you're at a bar flirting with a drunk guy, what's he going to think?

Then, she tried to say I was insecure about our relationship. To that I said - it's not about security, it's about beliefs. And, i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is out getting drunk and flirting / enticing other guys.

At that point, she said, "I don't know what else to say."

I said you can either choose not to do it anymore or we can split. She said she "doesn't really" flirt with guys when she goes out and that it was an isolated incident.

I say:

I do care a lot about her, so I think I'm going to cautiously continue the relationship. If the pattern continues, then I'm out.

Thanks again for all the comments.

sekcbeast · #17 02-21-05, 09:10 PM

You delt with the problem in a very mature way. You have done what you needed to do and now all you can do is see how life is after the talk. Personally, I tend to be a bit overprotective, so two thumbs up for dealing with it the way you did.

BBAddict · #18 02-22-05, 04:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Curls4dGirls

Holy shit, did she get pissed.

If this was truly an isolated incident, I think she would have been more apologetic than pissed. I think its time to practice "catch and release" and release this one-there's a lot of fish in the sea bro and it sounds like yours isn't ready to be in a committed relationship.

dreamgirl · #19 02-22-05, 07:52 AM

curls-- when I go out with the girls, I flirt with guys and dance with them and sometimes, they buy me drinks and I tell them i am married and I ALWAYS have my ring on... I would never go any further and my hubby knows that.

My thoughts are just that some guys are ok with that and some aren't. I also know that some girls cheat behind their guys back and some don't. Maybe the other guys she has dated didn't care if she flirted... there's always that fine line and both in the relationship need to know what exactly it is.

wheyman · #20 02-22-05, 08:22 AM

If a stable relationship is what you are looking for then I would get out now bro. If you wait longer then it will be that much harder to split. Sounds like she isn't ready to settle down to me...I look at it like this, if my girl was out with her friends drinking she would not be getting smashed for one thing and if someone tried to kiss her it would only happen once b/c she would walk away. The fact that she got so pissed tells me that she is guilty. that's just my two cents, I don't have a tolerance for shit like that b/c there are too many other girls out there.

Puddles · #21 02-22-05, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Curls4dGirls
I do care a lot about her, so I think I'm going to cautiously continue the relationship. If the pattern continues, then I'm out.

I think you're doing things right.

**Shibby** · #22 02-22-05, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Curls4dGirls
I do care a lot about her, so I think I'm going to cautiously continue the relationship. If the pattern continues, then I'm out.

Thanks again for all the comments.

I say your doing the right thing. Sounds like she wants to be with you, but is having a hard time accepting her feelings for you. I don't know the ages, but sounds like there is still some "wanting to be young a free" feelings in her mind and her heart is wanting to be loved now. I was very scared of getting too commited about 5 months ago. Did things to reasure myself I wasn't to serious with my girlfriend, just so I wasn't overwhelmed. Well she stook by me and let me figure things out (I did show her that she could trust that I wouldn't cheat on her) and now it's wonderful. I lover her. It does scare me some that I could actually love someone in 5 months, but it happened. I'm still getting comfortable with the idea and accepting my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if it was too fast. Then I take a good look at my other options and how the other side lives. I definitly choose loving her.

BENCH355ANIMAL · #23 02-22-05, 09:37 AM

Personally, I don't think bars and clubs are places where people in committed relationships should be. Unless you're with your significant other, then why would you go somewhere known as a drunken pick up party. The only times I ever went to bars or clubs was when I was looking to get some new booty. Once I met my girl......we hardly ever go to a place like that unless we're together. Not because I make her or she makes me, but if we're going to be getting drunk, and wanting to have fun......then why not be with the one you love. It's alot more fun, and safer that way.

Curls------Why don't you have one of your buddies go to the same club she goes to when she's out with her "friends", and see if she is in fact flirting with other guys. Shit......show up there yourself one night, and catch her in the act. It always fun to do that.

Curls4dGirls · #24 02-22-05, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shibby
I don't know the ages, but sounds like there is still some "wanting to be young a free" feelings in her mind and her heart is wanting to be loved now.

I think you hit the nail on the head. She just turned 23, and I'm 30. She's less than a year removed from the college scene, so she's still in that raw college party mode. I don't think she's ever been in a mature relationship ... in fact, I know she hasn't. The question I had to ask myself ... is she worth standing by while she learns how to act in a mature relationship.

I think she is.