Wanting Your Thoughts on this..... - SuperiorMuscle.com

bad14u · #1 05-12-05, 07:10 AM

My gf has been on my ass about getting her an engagement ring and wanting to get married. She just moved in with me, not even a month ago, and we are getting ready to build a house on my.....our property. I have told her time and time again that we will be married but that we just have too much going on with building a house and me working two jobs to start planning a wedding right now. I have also told her that I want to wait til our son is old enough to be the ring bearer(sp?)he just turned a year old in April. I figure by 3 he will be able to handle the job. She says 2 years is too long to wait. I do love her and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, I think, but I guess her knowing that is not enough. It seems as though we argue at least once a week about this and it makes me rethink whether or not I want to marry her. I also have other issues as well...she is a cat person and I am a dog guy! She has 2 cats which can do no wrong, she thinks so, but my dogs she will always bitch about. I work 2 jobs and like to sleep in on the weekends but she wakes my ass up at 8 or 8:30 every Saturday and Sunday and will not let me sleep in. THIS really pisses me off because I am very grumpy to begin with in the mornings and this does not start our weekends off right. I guess since I have never really been this far in a relationship I am starting to have second thoughts about it all. Being that I am 36 and have never really had to get up and be a family man on the weekends I am not use to this.

What are your thoughts?

**Shibby** · #2 05-12-05, 08:58 AM

Maybe you can get her a promise ring. Sometimes women need something more than words to see how you feel. Just a comfort thing and a way to show that you are truly commited. Have you told her that it is pushing you farther away from marriage to keep on you about? Sitting down and rally evaluating with her how things are is needed. You need to come to an understanding with little stuff like the pets and you wanting to sleep in on the weekends. It sounds more like you just butt heads about it instead of confronting it. With the wedding, if she can't wait unitl you are ready then she will have to make a decission. Why can't she wait two years? Is she going to find someone else that she can love as much and get married to that person in two years? Going into marriage before being ready is a sure sign it will end. With the divorce rate at 50% it's hard enough to stay married when you are, wanting to get married.

BBAddict · #3 05-12-05, 09:02 AM

Marriage is a big deal--a lot bigger deal than ringbearers or cats or dogs. There are a ton of compromises (although that turns out to be sacrifices for me more often than a compromise!) that are required. If you really love each other, details work themselves out. Kids also require sacrifices--your life revolves around the kid, as you know from experience, and sometimes sleep is a sacrifice you have to make. I definitely am not trying to make light of your arguments, cause I know how that can strain a relationship regardless of the topic of the argument, but it seems like if you really love each other, these are little details that don't matter so much in the long run. Are you sure this isn't just arguments and little details that overall stress in your life is causing you to make a bigger deal out of than it really deserves?

I think any relationship with a young child, two jobs and building a house together would be stressed, regardless of how much love there is. Those are all stressful details in themselves and to be doing all simultaneously would be really tough. The fact that you're arguing occasionally is normal in my opinion.

**Shibby** · #4 05-12-05, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ace0419
Here's what you do...

Next time she wakes you up @ 8 am on a Saturday, you grab that bitch's hair, look her in the eye and say, "Bitch! You f*&ked with the wrong 36-year-old-two-job-holdin' son-of-a-bitch." Then, with her hair still wound tightly in your hand, twist her ass around to where she's all fours. Now's the fun part, with a purely maniacle scream, say "I'm gonna f*&k you like you 'been f*%ckin' me!!! Haaaa!!!!" Then tell her you love her and go back to sleep.

WTF are you on? You're last two posts have been insane.

bad14u · #5 05-12-05, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shibby
With the divorce rate at 50% it's hard enough to stay married when you are, wanting to get married.

I think that maybe another thing that bothers me. The divorce rate in my family alone is threw the roof! There has only been 3 mariages that lasted in my family....both sets of grandparents and one uncle who has been married for 40+ years and I can't say happily with him because he is always talking about divorce these days. I think each relative has been married and divorced at least 2 times...aunts, uncles, brothers and mom and dad. I know what it did to me with my parents splitting up when I was 10 or 11 and I do not want that to happen with my son! Marriage scares the hell out of me, I guess, or maybe it's the divorce part of it.

**Shibby** · #6 05-12-05, 09:23 AM

I have the same thing. One of my Uncles, and my grandparents are the only two that have had a good marriage. EVERYONE else I know has been married and divorced at least once if not 2-4 times.

***THE BOUNCER*** · #7 05-12-05, 09:43 AM

It dosent sound to me like she is the one if you ask me. Neither of you are willing to think about the other person. She has her reasons for wanting to get married and you have your's for not wanting to. Her cats do no wrong, and your dogs do no wrong. You see what im getting at? You have YOUR way of doing things and she has HER way and to me it dosent sound like either of you are willing to see the other persons side.

***THE BOUNCER*** · #8 05-12-05, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ace0419
Here's what you do...

Next time she wakes you up @ 8 am on a Saturday, you grab that bitch's hair, look her in the eye and say, "Bitch! You f*&ked with the wrong 36-year-old-two-job-holdin' son-of-a-bitch." Then, with her hair still wound tightly in your hand, twist her ass around to where she's all fours. Now's the fun part, with a purely maniacle scream, say "I'm gonna f*&k you like you 'been f*%ckin' me!!! Haaaa!!!!" Then tell her you love her and go back to sleep.

how bout i kick you in the fucking head and tell you to get off the drugs. fucking idiot. one more post like that and your gone.

bad14u · #9 05-12-05, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ace0419
Here's what you do...

Next time she wakes you up @ 8 am on a Saturday, you grab that bitch's hair, look her in the eye and say, "Bitch! You f*&ked with the wrong 36-year-old-two-job-holdin' son-of-a-bitch." Then, with her hair still wound tightly in your hand, twist her ass around to where she's all fours. Now's the fun part, with a purely maniacle scream, say "I'm gonna f*&k you like you 'been f*%ckin' me!!! Haaaa!!!!" Then tell her you love her and go back to sleep.

Not.

That would be hard to do when she is holding my son everytime she wakes me up!

bad14u · #10 05-12-05, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by BBAddict
Marriage is a big deal--a lot bigger deal than ringbearers or cats or dogs. There are a ton of compromises (although that turns out to be sacrifices for me more often than a compromise!) that are required. If you really love each other, details work themselves out. Kids also require sacrifices--your life revolves around the kid, as you know from experience, and sometimes sleep is a sacrifice you have to make. I definitely am not trying to make light of your arguments, cause I know how that can strain a relationship regardless of the topic of the argument, but it seems like if you really love each other, these are little details that don't matter so much in the long run. Are you sure this isn't just arguments and little details that overall stress in your life is causing you to make a bigger deal out of than it really deserves?

I think any relationship with a young child, two jobs and building a house together would be stressed, regardless of how much love there is. Those are all stressful details in themselves and to be doing all simultaneously would be really tough. The fact that you're arguing occasionally is normal in my opinion.

Compromise?....HAH!....it has always been a sacrifice on my part...it seems anyway! She believes that she works just as hard as me...work and taking care of Chase until I get home. I have told her that anytime she wants to switch places and work the second job and let me take care of him I would love to! Taking care of him is a joy in my opinion....not a job! She doesn't see it that way. Yes we butt heads a lot and it is over small things but when you are dead tired it doesn't seem like a small thing!

bad14u · #11 05-12-05, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by THE BOUNCER
It dosent sound to me like she is the one if you ask me. Neither of you are willing to think about the other person. She has her reasons for wanting to get married and you have your's for not wanting to. Her cats do no wrong, and your dogs do no wrong. You see what im getting at? You have YOUR way of doing things and she has HER way and to me it dosent sound like either of you are willing to see the other persons side.

I want to just not right now! AND...we have both been single and kind of set in our ways. You know...ya can't teach an old dog new tricks. She has insomnia and is use to getting by on very little sleep...where as I have always been a person who has slept in. We both do things for the other but neither one of us do what the other WANTS us to do!

wheyman · #12 05-12-05, 10:22 AM

I went through the same thing with my EX. IMO, if what you have is true love that is UNCONDITIONAL then waiting until everything is in place shouldn't be a problem at all bro. I made my wife wait four years until we got married and she never bitched at me b/c she knew that I loved her and that it would happen when the time is right.

If you are having problems now with cats, dogs and sleeping then you are in for world of shit man. Marriage is all about compromise, compromise, compromise, compromise and then compromise. And PLEASE do not get married b/c of kids, that's the worse thing you can do for the two of you and your little one.

I think you need to sit down and have a very serious talk with her about all this and mention that b/c of this you questioning whether or not it should happen.

It's nothing to joke about bro, this is very serious and if you can't meet each other in the middle on these issues then you aren't ready for marriage.

Good luck man!

WM

bad14u · #13 05-12-05, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by wheyman
Good luck man!

WM

Thanks!

GreekTank · #14 05-12-05, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ace0419
Here's what you do....

Sign on under your admin name (as usual). Click on my user name. Hit 'ban', 'delete', 'remove', or whatever. Wait about an hour or so, and then say hello do SM's newest member.... me.

Someone's gettin brave...LOL

**Shibby** · #15 05-12-05, 07:12 PM

He's not being brave, he is trying to instigate conflict. These are the ones that are just best ignored.

Puddles · #16 05-12-05, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bad14u
What are your thoughts?

I don't think you two are ready for marriage right now but I think your girl is in need of security from you that you will get married. Would setting a date (say in 2 yrs.) and getting engaged now be a problem for either of you? That could give you time to really decide as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life with her but at the same time it would give her some sense of security of a real commitment to her and the baby.

You have some issues to work out and her waking you early on the weekends is one of them. She's got to understand your needs are as important as hers. Can you two compromise and you sleep in every other weekend but get up early on the other weekends?

Primal Instinct · #17 05-13-05, 04:04 AM

This is just my opinion but anytime someone's in a rush to get married when they are already living with that person and have plans in the works to progress together (living together, building a house, etc.) is a rush to failure. You have not only your own welfare to consider but also that of your son's. A divorce somewhere down the line could mean jeopardizing your home, possessions and income which will impact his well being as much as yours.

The Dogs vs Cats arguement could be a microcosm of a larger, more impending issue. Here is a question to consider:

Is she the mother of your son? If not, does she want to have her own children? In your heart, do you feel that she would treat your son any differently than her own biological child? The dog vs cats thing really does illustrate more than you might think. It's just on a lower level of your radar screen right now.

The fact that she wakes you up early on the weekends knowing that you have a hard time with it and probably require the rest from working two jobs (and having a house built) also brings the child issue into the light a bit, at least to me. She doesn't just wake you up but she wakes you up with your son at hand. Is this more an attempt to get you to take over responsibility of him so that she has the ability to do other things? It sounds like this is indicative of what amounts to a "handoff" so that she doesn't have to watch him. I could be totally off base here because I don't know her and only have your depiction to go by. The thing is, your son is a major part of your life and who you are. If she is not willing to treat him as hers, then she is not right for you and Chase. Like it or not, she has signed up for a package deal and if she's not willing to share the responsibilty or somehow resents that aspect of your relationship, it's time to reconsider it before you lock yourselves in a legally binding committment such as marriage.

What is the difference if you get married now or in two years when things settle down a bit if you are in love and living as a family right now? I understand the comment by Puddles with regard to security. One thing to keep in mind is that even if married, there are no guarantees of security. There can be infidelity or divorce if a couple becomes unhappy. You just have to trust in that you are committed to each other. That is what marriage should be based upon anyhow- that and the willingness to compromise. I guess that you need to determine if the actions are motivated by insecurity or the "biological clock" or if they are underlying a more complex set of issues. Maybe it's just a tloerance issue that you both must overcome. I don't know but don't get married until you can confidently answer these types of questions. I see a heart to heart talk with your girl in your near future.

bad14u · #18 05-13-05, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Puddles
I don't think you two are ready for marriage right now but I think your girl is in need of security from you that you will get married. Would setting a date (say in 2 yrs.) and getting engaged now be a problem for either of you? That could give you time to really decide as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life with her but at the same time it would give her some sense of security of a real commitment to her and the baby.

You have some issues to work out and her waking you early on the weekends is one of them. She's got to understand your needs are as important as hers. Can you two compromise and you sleep in every other weekend but get up early on the other weekends?

We talked last night and have decided that we would get the ring this weekend. 1kt Leo Diamond is what she wants so we will look to see who has what out there.

As for the sleeping in thing we talked about it too and said that we would take turns sleeping in and taking care of Chase. I will do it on Saturday and she will do it on Sunday....not that she can sleep anyway!

bad14u · #19 05-13-05, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Primal Instinct
She doesn't just wake you up but she wakes you up with your son at hand. Is this more an attempt to get you to take over responsibility of him so that she has the ability to do other things? It sounds like this is indicative of what amounts to a "handoff" so that she doesn't have to watch him

I see a heart to heart talk with your girl in your near future.

She is Chase's mother. I believe she brings him in with her for the simple fact that I can't be ugly to her with him in her arms....he is just too damn cute in the mornings with his bedhead and his bear in his arms.

Part of the heart to heart talk happened last night!

Thanks!

bad14u · #20 05-16-05, 07:31 AM

Well...we have the ring but I haven't given it to her yet! This is driving her nuts!

She wants to put it on so bad!!! I keep telling her everytime she mentions it that it will push back the engagement even further!

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice!

dreamgirl · #21 05-16-05, 10:26 AM

WOW.... ok, well, Im in a family that everyone gets married and stays married. Guess I am lucky. I've been married now for 7.5 years... I also got married at 21 years old.

You either want to marry her or you don't. There isn't gray area and if there is, I would say she's probably not the one for you.

Time means nothing if you want to spend it all with her... to me you are completely "acting" like a married couple (ex- having a baby together, living together, & building a house together) so why not just get married? What is holding you back? You're doing everything humanly possible to pretend to be married, you just won't go get the peiece of paper that says you are.

That is one thing I never understand about people... my sister-in-law did the same thing with every guy. ... she must have lived with 5-6 guys and then pressured them to marry her and then all of them left her in the long run... this last guy though, he did marry her and they are still married now it's been 2 years.

I say get married, you have a kid together and you're living with her.

Sorry I am being so harsh, but I am totally against living with people unless you're married... not for religious reasons, just because I don't see why you would live with someone and not be married... I don't understand it that's all. To me the hardest part of being married IS living together and getting along on a daily basis. Sorry again for being so harsh... I do mean that.