Y I do what I do its personal though...

This is the letter I wrote the girl... it tells basically how I feel I just want imput on if I did the letter correctly and well to give people a little insight on why i feel y I do about aas usage and life....



Dear Betsy,

Firstly, I need to apologize for the length of this letter, I did not wish to leave anything out nor did I ever wish to simplify anything that is written within. I hope that you do me the respect of actually reading this through. I am sorry it is not hand written for my writing is really bad and there is no way I would ever want you to misread or misunderstand anything based on my horrible penmanship. I will warn you that within the body of this letter are my pure and true emotions unedited and hopefully kept strictly between us...

I must thank you, and will keep thanking you for years to come, for showing me something about myself that I never knew existed. It's the idea of purity and innocence. The idea that there is no limit to what should be done to ensure the delicate heart and soul are protected and kept close. I met you years ago, and since then things have changed. Some sadly for the worst and some happily for the better. The latter you are responsible for. To which you will always have my utmost respect and my deepest emotions. There is no way words will ever justify anything that I'm witting here, but for my sake and yours I will try my hardest to show you the respect that you deserve.
When I met you, you were fragile and beautiful. Napping and often doing schoolwork. Innocent and extremely beautiful. In my life I have never met a girl that has come anywhere near your level in both physical beauty and emotional awe. I'm sitting here typing trying my hardest not to let my hands shake too much. I'm so nervous I feel I could faint at any time. But, I must go on and tell you... You were the girl that stole my heart. The girl that showed me that being gentle and kind was the best way to be. I only had limited exposure to you but that was enough to teach me to treat a girl as a delicate and warm person. That only the softest touch was warranted, and the gentlest of glances were true. I felt around you that being innocent and being gentle was the way that I wanted to live life. I kept it hidden for many years trying to live like a typical harder edged guy. What I learned was that the delicate touch I had with you and the gentle glances that I gave you was truly the way I wanted. I remember early when I first knew you, you showed me how to gently rub your back. That the strokes of my fingers should be reassuring and kind, not strong and abrasive. I remember when you threw your pool party, you were standing there with your friends when I came in all soaking wet, cold from the air. You sat next to me, happy, you looked so cold. I raised the towel you had on to cover your shoulders. Saw the cool water running down your face, your hair partially covering your eyes. I pulled the hair away from your face and tucked it behind your ear. I removed the wet hair from your neck and gently rubbed your neck, soft like you taught me. Your eyes lit up almost in a way of surprise. Not in a bad way but where maybe you felt appreciated or cared for. I don't even know if you remember that happening at all, but for me the look in your eyes when you first saw me and the look you gave me out the corner of your eye when I pulled the hair away from you will always be remembered in my mind.
It was being gentle and kind that made me feel most comfortable. Yes I enjoyed the harder sports, yes I was competitive. But I only felt like me when I was with you being gentle and kind. I don't even know when the change was but I was never the same. I must stress one thing, I'm trying my hardest to open up and be polite at the same time so I am sorry if anything upsets you, but I can't tell you how hard I am trying on not to shake and actually finish this letter.
I got this strange vibe that at times I was way off base with you but then again at times I saw things in your eyes that pulled things out of me. My mind is filled with memories of little things which I hold so dear, stories which make feel safe and comfy in the worst of circumstances.
To tell you the truth, I haven't cried in years... I can't. I hope though that sometime during the writing of this I will be able to. I know it sounds odd, but I can't explain why, I just hope the tears pour sometime soon.
I want to tell you something about me, that I hope helps. I'm sure you knew me as someone who played sports and loved them. Soccer mainly. It was my life, my passion and my escape. I never wanted games to end, practice should have lasted for hours more. I always told my self that there was more time left in the game than there actually was. The game made me truly happy. Just like how you make me happy. As you noticed I talked about soccer in the past tense and you in the present. Long after we stopped talking, I ended up playing in the semi-pro soccer division. It was a true joy. Betsy, I could escape my biggest problems and worries while on the field. I never knew when to quit, I never knew pain, I never knew when enough was enough. My mom saw a game of mine, it was a playoff game. We were down by one, not more than 25 minutes left. I had a break-away just me and the goalie, everything was silent, until I hear a loud crack then shortly after my face hit the ground. A defender managed to catch me and slid from behind hitting my knee, the goalie in front of me slid and hit my ankle. I cracked my tibia. A penalty was called and I was going to be carted off the field and taken to the hospital. I told them to leave me alone and to let me walk off on my own accord. My tibia wasn't cracked all the way thru but I later found out it was a 2 inch vertical break. I walked to the sidelines and told the trainer to tape my leg as tight as they could and give me as much support as I needed in order to play the game. They refused, but I told them I would play no matter what. That I would never let my mom or any teammates down. They reluctantly taped me up. The pain was unbearable. I had the penalty shot and decided to shoot it left footed because I couldn't even put any lateral stress on my right leg. I scored. The game was tied. I could barely run, but I had enough skill to draw defenders to me to open up the field for other players. I ended up drawing a double team and flicked a pass to an open wing and he scored. We ended up winning the tournament. The joy I felt erased all pain I had. Betsy there was nothing that was going to stop me from playing,or so I thought. The next year all healed I played again, same team but this time a division higher, I was on a roll scoring goal after goal, I really made it look beautiful and easy. The last game of the year came and it was the championship game, my team ranked first theirs ranked 2nd. A really hard nasty game was played. Throughout the season I had lots of pain in my face and neck but never thought much of it, but that night would change it all. We were down by a few in the first half, things weren't going well at all. I called a timeout and explained to everyone that winning is what we had to do, that we were capable of doing so much better. I quickly scored a goal making it a 1 pt difference. Within a few minutes I scored again. Now tied 2-2 maybe 10 minutes left in the half, I jumped up for a ball and was slammed into the plexi-glass wall. My left ear(the bad side) went right into the glass, I hit the floor face first and blacked out upon impact. They said I was out for 5 minutes. I woke up and couldn't keep my eyes together, they kept wanting to flip back and pass out. I had severe pain in my face and neck I knew something was up. I sat out till half time I had a sever concussion. The 2nd half started and I still couldn't see correctly, I was throwing up and could barely be upright. I could tell though that the game was starting to swing their way. I called one of the guys out for a sub and went in, I had so many people cheer for me that it all came back into focus. I played free... I played not knowing it would be my last game ever, but I played my heart was content the pain faded and nothing was left but the turf and myself. near 5 minutes left in the half, I had a breakaway and missed, I was off by about 2 feet(a lot in my standards) I knew there was something not right, not my concussion but something else my vision was ok but somehow my aim was off. I went up for another header and was clipped I flipped backwards head over heals and landed right on my head. Out cold blood pouring from my nose. I came too on the turf floor it was so cold and so silent I couldn't hear a thing just murmurs, faded voices, they stood me up and awarded a direct kick from about 15yrds away. I was the only player on the team to have enough bend on my shot to have a chance on making it in. I couldn't even stand correctly I told them to stuff cotton up my nose and to just let me play. Deep inside I knew this was it, Betsy I lost you I couldn't bare lose both. I lined up for the shot and remembered I was 2 ft off to the right so I adjusted my angle and let it go. I shot so hard my teammate hear the ball literally wiz by. The goalie never moved it was over before he even had a chance. My last shot, perfect. I sat on the bench and watched the time tick down all my team had to do was clear it and play good defense with 1 minute left I asked for a sub and went back on the field blood all over my white jersey my head not even together, I never touched the ball once in that last minute but I didn't care, I just wanted to be on that field. I suffered 2 concussions that night, and had a brief stay in the hospital, the next day I came home and had to be rushed back to the ER because my face wasn't working correctly. When I got hit in that game not sure first or second time, the prosthetic hearing bone they installed moved and was hitting my trigenial(sp) nerve. I had surgery a few months later after I was fully healed, it was my last game. I can no longer play anymore due the internal structural damages sustained form that game. Two surgeries since and I'm still not 100%. Betsy I lost the ability to hold you and keep you safe and close, I cried often. I now lost the ability to play ever again. I didn't cry. The two things in my life that impacted me most were now gone, only memories. Everyone asked me why I never asked you to watch a game... I could not bear to have the two best things in my life in the same room. My heart could not handle the girl of my dreams watching me play the sport of my dreams.
You now wonder why I told you this... I lost both not on my terms but outside terms and it hurts a lot. No one will ever replace you in my mind and nothing will ever replace soccer. I doubt you know how strongly I felt about you, but just like in the soccer games I would go through hell and beyond just to ensure that you are safe and kept special. Betsy, it's not fair for me to tell you all this, but I must. I haven't cried since the game for I knew both things were gone that ever really made me cry.
I remember driving you home from STL. Taking the M3 up I-55. I finally got to spend some time alone with you and just get to know you and just be around you. Yah, at first you were timid and a little shy, but at trips end you were laughing and smiling. That pretty smile just like your glance at the pool hit me harder than anything else. I'm sure it sounds stupid but did you see how happy I looked the whole trip back being with you? Just like in my soccer games where I hoped more time was left for me to play, I hoped that there was more time for us to hang out that day. Those little things that maybe you never thought of I took and kept close to me.
One night me you and Dave were hanging out in the living room, Christy went to bed because she felt sick. So you, Dave and I played gran turismo 3, Actually Dave and I only did, you hated that game. I'm sure the song and the constant overlapping music is burned in our heads for ever. LOL. Dave was doing some 500 mile race and was really in the groove, so he kept playing, you went and grabbed a blanket and sat next to me on the couch. You fell asleep late at night, and leaned against my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around you and held you close, grasped the blanket with my other hand and tucked you in. You wriggled a little trying to find a comfortable spot on my shoulder and finally did, taking your free arm and putting it around my waist. I held you so close so gently, kept you warm and safe, there was no way at that moment anyone would have ever come close to you. I remembered you opened your eyes and looked at me quickly and shot the prettiest half smile I have ever seen then nestled back in and fell asleep. I sat there motionless for hours trying my hardest not to wake you or disturb you. I held your hand and it was cold so I kept holding it keeping you warm, a few times you squeezed my hand back, I don't know if you intended to but every time you did you nestled a little bit more and more getting closer. I promise you, that night you were safe and loved. Warm and secure. I did all this gently like you taught me, but this time I learned how to be gentle with your heart and treat you the way you should be treated.
I don't know maybe you pitched the letter by this point or maybe you think I'm just totally off-base, but my heart doesn't lie your eyes didn't lie.
I care for you in a way that I have for no other. Years have passed and I have not lost a step. Yes, I kept my distance after I opened up to you a little and freaked you out, but this time I hope you take this as me offering my emotions to you, for you to do what ever you want with them.
Dave broke up with Jen so he asked me for a little help on what to do. I told him this verbatim "one last thing make sure the girl is safe, wether u r with her or not knowing that she's safe will make u feel better in the long run, a delicate heart and fragile soul must be taken care of... its the only way I'd treat B and its the only way u should treat her." Betsy it's true, every last word. When I told him this he immediately asked me to tell him more about how I felt about you, he said I should never give up hope and that I should remain positive. I told him that with you it doesn't matter what happens, I just wish to go to bed at night and know you are safe and happy and that you are treated the best way any man can treat you. I told Dave that often one must sacrifice oneself to ensure the security of others then they must do it no matter how much harm is done to oneself. Don't get mad at Dave please, he just has known for yrs how I have felt about you and that each time him and I talk I tell him a little more and more. But never it all... that will only be told to you if you are willing to hear. I told Dave that I didn't want to know your addy so that your privacy is kept true, so this letter was mailed to him then mailed to you. Please Betsy don't get mad at him. If you wish you may get mad at me and tell me anything.
I may have just written the worst thing in the world, and may have scared you more or I may have given you the reason on why I am how I am. It's you Betsy. You are a big reason why today I don't cry, why today my eyes seem hollow, its nothing you did wrong, it's you being you and I fell for you, The pain I feel is nothing compared to the happiness I get from my many memories of spending time with you. BTW I did let you drive my new Imprezza, that should tell you something . It's your innocent smile, your incomparable beauty, the times I held you and the times I wish I was with you that have created the problem that I live. You are such a special girl, more than I think you realize. Betsy I wish I could cry, I really do. I wish I could hold you and keep you close and safe. I wish I could share my feelings with you and not have you look down on me. To be honest I have a box full of letters which I wanted you to have. Each time the letter got deeper and deeper, but I never had the courage to send it. Just give me credit just for having the courage to send this one. It's harder than you know for me to do. Betsy you are so special and so gentle. I do hurt, but let that not ever be something that upsets you, instead feel happy that you are so special that you make me crumble to my knees. Smile that your whole being made a man stop and realize what made him comfortable. Look at you own eyes and see why you make my hands shake, it's you Betsy you deserve so much. That is why I extend this promise. No matter what happens in life with me or you I want you to know you can count on me for help of any kind, without ever worrying about what it makes me feel or do, I can only offer you my trust and help and the reassurance that you will never be alone if you are stuck with any problem. You can tell me to screw-off after reading this but as a friend, as a man who saw how sweet and fragile you are, I will never let you be alone to deal with anything. Its the ultimate sacrifice I can make, and feel that you are more than deserving.


There will never be day where I will not think about you. Betsy, I thank you so much for showing me that in the world a truly beautiful girl does exist. Even if me hurting is what happens the only reason I hurt is because I felt love. Thank you for the memories, for the smiles, for the pictures that I have of you. Thank you for it all, mainly thank you for being you and letting me fall in love with you.
I Thank you for finally making me cry...

K


like i said this is super personal but its anonymous so its no biggie for me to share... just give me ure opinions and see why I think the way I do with sports AAS and women

[Timma]

Can we get some cliff notes?

yes 1 bottle of QV EQ will get u a 2 page version instead of 3 hahaha, I had to make it long cus I didnt want anything to be left unsaid

K

[wheyman]

It's kind of hard to reply to someone elses problems, but here are my thoughts. Since you have joined this site you have been a stand up dude with good posts. I hate to read posts where guys and girls are so depressed b/c of a loved one. I have been there before so I know what a broken heart is like and I know how hard it is to deal with issues, but nothing is bad enough to sacrifice your life or not really care about what happens. Life is too precious and short for that mind set.

We are all going through something or have been through things and yet we are still here stronger than ever. That's life bro.

My advice to you is to keep moving forward and realize that you do have something to live for, yourself and your family.

WM

Yeah its not like I take life with wreckless abandonment... I just don't look to far ahead anymore...I still am cautious but I might close an eye here or there where I didnt' before

K

[THE BOUNCER]

You would have to pay me to read all that shit. lol

[bjbabe]

Wow num1son, you really opened up to her. I hope she understands by reading your letter that you care so much about her and that you want to keep her safe. I hope she shows the same appreciation to you or at least tells you how she feels. Let us know her reaction if you would like.

I wish you the best of luck.

Originally Posted by THE BOUNCER

You would have to pay me to read all that shit. lol

You want cliff notes too... haha

K

[THE BOUNCER]

Originally Posted by num1son

You want cliff notes too... haha

K

Do you have a narrated version?

Originally Posted by THE BOUNCER

Do you have a narrated version?

I got it on audio tapes haha, maybe I'll work on a pictorial version as well, nah I had people asking me whats up so I decided to share...

K

[Shibby]

It sounds good. How long ago was this and I'm assuming she never came back to you?

[Shibby]

Originally Posted by THE BOUNCER

Do you have a narrated version?

His girl left him, he is writing her a letter in hopes to show her how he feels and she will feel her love for him again. He talks about when they were first together and events in detail. Compared his love for her to his love for soccer. It seems she knew how important that was to her. Ending it with there last moments together and how he can still feel them like they were yesterday.


Sound close enough Num1son?

the letter is in the UPS truck now, talk bout nerves haha

K

[Shibby]

How long has it been since you last talked to her?

Originally Posted by Shibby

His girl left him, he is writing her a letter in hopes to show her how he feels and she will feel her love for him again. He talks about when they were first together and events in detail. Compared his love for her to his love for soccer. It seems she knew how important that was to her. Ending it with there last moments together and how he can still feel them like they were yesterday.


Sound close enough Num1son?

Shibby has the cliff notes...the only diff is we took separate paths with school and so forth now shes in ny at columbia

K

i saw her couple months ago but didnt talk (her bro and I are best friends so i saw him and didnt know she was home in the summer )to her shes so scared cus i'm the only guy she ever loved and ever kissed, she hurts that Im not close to her

K

[Shibby]

Oh she didn't leave you just went to schools far apart? If so, I'm missing why she isn't trying to be with you if she still loves you?

we went diff ways with school I took sports school path she took school we kinda grew apart and it caused a lot of hurt too her, she has only kissed 1 guy and thats me, but i understand her hurt, but at the time i chose sports and school and u see how the sports thing ended up

K

if it makes sense she is a few yrs behind me... so i left her for sports and school then she left for school so me taking that initial leave prob didint help my cause

K

[Shibby]

Yea, that part touched me. I am a former soccer player myself. I stopped playing after I cracked my tibia. Nothing quite as major as yours, but I was playing on a shity field, went for a slide tackle, my under foot cleet got caught in a whole, and I'm sure you can figure the rest. I could have wen't back and played, but my life changed to make it short.

yah i never wanted to give it up and still have hope but now I've had too many head surgeries to fix things where structurally I have no protection...yah she was delicate and gentle so it hurt her so much to see me go and follow my dreams, oddly at the time she should have been my dreams
yah shitty fields no thank you I played on soldiers field a few times and ouch even for a pro stadium the constant football games and fire games tore it up nice

K

Originally Posted by bjbabe

Wow num1son, you really opened up to her. I hope she understands by reading your letter that you care so much about her and that you want to keep her safe. I hope she shows the same appreciation to you or at least tells you how she feels. Let us know her reaction if you would like.

I wish you the best of luck.

THanks for the imput, yah i talked to her brother about it and he suggests we switch cars for the week just incase she comes to plant a nice explosive device under mine, but then we decided it wasnt such a good idea considering shes got reasons to destroy his car too...yah girls heart is fragile i just hope I wrote it gently enuf for her

K

[Shibby]

You said in your letter also about the possibilty of her getting mad. There is nothing for her to get mad at. You just told her how you feel.

mad... well would u be mad if the only person that ever took a chance with u left to pursue sports and school...shes never had another guy into her so shes all alone now, its her sr yr in college so i decided to give it one last shot the problem is for her masters shes headin to MIT Harvard or Cal tech... none of which is close to IL and my home school Loyola <----nerds we both are

K