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#1
09-22-03, 06:30 AM
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Question give me an answer if you can or an opinion if you can
Ok I am a member on this board but under a different member name I am using this name just incase someone signs on that I know and I really don't want this kinda thing to
go around to people I know, So here goes I was married for a while and I had one child and my wife and I were going through some problems because she kinda thought she was with an ex of hers so we would split up and she would try to figure out what she wanted and it would always be the other guy at first but then she would come back to me and we would be together for a few moths and it would start all over again. Until finally I had enough so we got a divorce and this so called guy she liked for some reason doesn't want to be tired down to one girl and told her this in which she continues to see him and crap once and awhile but she calls him everyday in which he does not try to call her she has to call him. Anyway here is the part that confuses me on what to do. She got pregnant from this guy shortly after we went our separate ways he from what she tells me wants nothing to do with her she is going to have this baby without him is what she told me and she said if he doesn't want anything to do with her that is fine. What I did was I told her that I would be there for her if she needed anything I friend to talk to a person to do something with just whatever she needs. I still have feeling for her and still am very much in love with her. So should I tell her this and should I be there for her if she needs me. She told me last night that she feels she burned the bridge with me after the whole divorce but how do you tell someone that they didn't without sounding like an idiot so going through all this and still wanting to do anything for this person. It's not that I have no one else to go out with I mean I have gone out since we got divorced but I just can't seem to get the ex out of my head or my heart. I have never been in love with someone so much that I couldn't just find someone new and move on and for some reason I can't get her out of my heart or head. So after al this I am not sure if anyone can answer this in anyway but what should I do should I be there for her if she needs me or should I try to break the tie I have for her. Last edited by someone-new : 09-22-03 at 06:42 AM. 
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#2
09-22-03, 07:00 AM
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Dude, if I were you, I would break the tie. I understand you still have strong feelings for you, but if she left you once, who's to say she won't do it again? You don't deserve to be walked on, and while it's great that you want to be there for her, she did burn the bridge, maybe this is what it's gonna take for her to see what she did wrong. DOn't let yourself get all wrapped up in her again, she may do you over again...Good luck, and sorry to hear all that!
__________________
Raiders SUCK!
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#3
09-22-03, 07:30 AM
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someone,
It's takes a certain amount of bravery to face ones feelings, no matter how good or bad or painfull they may be, so in one way that is good it is what you are doing. The hope in all of this is that somehow someway you learn from this experience. What you learn is at this point anyone's guess. Since you posted this, I take it you are very serious in your search for an answer. So, I'd like to ask a question, if you don't feel comfortable answering it, that is perfectly okay. I have some work to do this am so I'll come back and check this later and we'll see if we can uncover any mysery's here and possible some help. Question: What is it that you love about her? And please be specfic, rather than general. Good Luck
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#4
09-22-03, 07:34 AM
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Tough question. Which is why i wont touch it.
__________________
On my way for the day I find no sorrow Everyday is all the same there's no tomorrow And I feel like I feel Cause it's cold here where you left me Hey I think that someday I might need you somehow I, I think I might have loved you These things I said but you were A million miles away A million miles away On my way for the day I find my heart is not for taking And I know it's all but gone It only served to make me cry And I feel like I feel Cause it's black here with your memory On my way for the day I find no sorrow
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#5
09-22-03, 07:56 AM
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That's a tough one....Me, I don't think I could trust her after that. You may be more of a man and able to handle raising another mans child but I don't know if I could. I guess it all comes down to your feelings for her. Can you put aside the past and continue forward? Will you be able to trust her and build a stable relationship?
I wish you the best of luck in what ever decision you make.
__________________
Any views or opinions expressed in this forum or in personal correspondences are purely for entertainment purposes and are obviously the product of a deeply troubled mind. Have a nice day. Saturn…… RIP Gearedup Mod@Worldclassbodybuilding.com Mod@Intensemuscle.com rosaturn@ziplip.com
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#6
09-22-03, 07:57 AM
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Sometimes it is hard to explain why you love a person and I love her because of who she is and who she has become. And who I am when I am with her. I love the way she sleeps the way I can hear her talking in her sleep and how I can ask her what she said when she is asleep and she will repeat it and have no idea it happened. I love the way she looks when she wakes up. And I love how we could just sit and do nothing all day but talk and we would both be fine with that .
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#7
09-22-03, 08:17 AM
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someone,
Well, my morning is a little tough, can't get connected to where I need to be so dropped back in. It's obvious you've thought of this question before, which is again very good. Yes, why we love is sometimes a funny thing as you say, yet it is also a plus to know what makes us happy. And just that you can "just be" together and that is good enough is a nice place to be, for anyone. Let me state up front, that I'm supplying some information and answers without knowing hardly anything, which has much greater limitations and chances for being incorrect than correct, so please be cautious with what I say and how I say it, cause essentially working without a net here and one eye shut. Often times when folks ask a question such as yours, unfortunately they are not neccesarily looking for help or a direction they are just looking for confirmation of an answer they already have in their head. And once someone says, hey this is it, and it agrees with what you have already decided, it gives you some motivation to take the next step. So, the next question is, and again you do not have to answer it if you do not feel comfortable is: Is there some answer that you yourself already have that you are just looking for some confirmation? And if so, what is it? Again, let me re-iterate, that might be the wrong question to ask right now cause of limited knowledge, yet, let's just see if something comes up.
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#8
09-22-03, 08:35 AM
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#10
09-22-03, 09:04 AM
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THe thing that pisses me off is the guy treats her like crap wants nothing to do with her knowing she id\s carrying his baby doen't even call to see how she is or anything when i think of that it makes me want to find him and kick the shit out of him.
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#12
09-22-03, 09:17 AM
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She says not everyday but once a week they see eachother but that is all
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#14
09-22-03, 09:52 AM
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Atleast once a day i talk to her and see her 3 times a week
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#17
09-22-03, 10:41 AM
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There's no simple answer to this situation. Obviously you two get along well and that in itself is a huge plus, but the main problem is that she's still got deep feelings for this guy and you will risk being hurt again if you two get back together. I would keep my distance emotionally as much as possible until she's made a firm decision to not be involved with this guy and has stuck to it for a few months after the baby is born. Maybe then I would begin to let the relationship grow again. Meanwhile, you can remain friends and support her while she's going through her troubled times.
People make mistakes and having a friend to count on for forgiveness and support means a lot. If you're able to handle it, take things SLOWLY and see what develops. She's got some serious personal issues to deal with before she can even begin to make a commitment to you. Good luck.
__________________
~~Fate does not come to us from the outside...it goes forth from within.~~
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#18
09-22-03, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Last edited by someone-new : 09-22-03 at 11:56 AM.
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#19
09-22-03, 10:46 AM
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#20
09-22-03, 11:23 AM
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I think the answer has just come to me.
We must kill the exboyfriend. Not with our hands though - they are too easy to break. Let's use putters. I have this way cool titanium putter that looks like it would maim someone pretty good. My reply wasn't very appropriate I know.
__________________
On my way for the day I find no sorrow Everyday is all the same there's no tomorrow And I feel like I feel Cause it's cold here where you left me Hey I think that someday I might need you somehow I, I think I might have loved you These things I said but you were A million miles away A million miles away On my way for the day I find my heart is not for taking And I know it's all but gone It only served to make me cry And I feel like I feel Cause it's black here with your memory On my way for the day I find no sorrow
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#21
09-22-03, 11:55 AM
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#22
09-22-03, 12:13 PM
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someone-new,
Thanks very much for the answers. Mrs. P, hit it on the head in reference to how too handle the future with her. I would add one thing to this. If perhaps you decide to try again suggestion would be for individual and group counseling and here's why. The deep issues the Mrs. P talks about are most likely there, of course we don't know because we do not know her per say and it is her choice always if there is something there or not, yet it would seem they are most likely there than not. We always here, "It all happened in your childhood", and guess what, that is almost so very true. In childhood all trust and love issues, ie value systems are developed. And if you grow up in a non-functioning family situation you can get this two issues a little off balance such so that this is what happens..... Let's just say it takes ten things too add to have a good handle on trust or love. Most folks that deal with this issue have eight of the ten pretty much down, which is good, and one of them they don't fully understand, and then there is another they are totally blind too. Well, since you learned this stuff from your family, in general they work okay in your family, alas though since it's not like the rest of the world what you learned in childhood ends up being in conflict with others. Now, of course the person is smart and tries to change things or do things different, yet most of the time they try and change or tinker with the eight things they know. So, while they know and feel in their hearts they are trying, because they are, they are still getting the not desired results, thus the constant banging head on the wall getting nowhere. What a good counselor does is help the person uncover one item they are blinded too, fully understand the one they are a little off kilter on, and they hang with that person until they have run the equaiton through enough times they have re-built there confidence. Some things to take comfort in now. Try not concern yourself with TELLING her you will be their for her. Your actions are already stating that fact and she probably knows it quite well because you have told her many times. The hope here might be that if you say it you will get a different answer, the thing is your actions are already telling her that. So, try and let it be. The best thing for you. The guess here is that your mind is really kind of going a little wacky on you. Which is really the cause of additional stress or anxiety. It's probably doing something like this. When you have work to do or workout, when you need to be focused, you're probably okay and do well, get the job done as good as it needs to be. Now when your mind is unfocused we have a different story. Most likely 40% of your mind is reviewing the past thinking what if this, what if that, and with this type of thinking you end up putting another 40% of your time into projecting into the future, which as we know is totally unpredicatably, yet your mind is trying to predict it. In essence 80% of your time is spent mulling over something that has already happened, that really has no good answer too. What it is ultimately doing is causing you pain, cause all this thinking keeps you stuck in the past with all these what if's, and what will never be's. The best you can do now is too try and allow some new things to come into your life that you can focus on positively. Take a class, get a new hobby, re-do workouts, re-do the house, anything that would get your mind focused on something positive and constructive. Right now the mind is focused on things that are really harming you than helping you. Know this is not easy, and this is where the personal learning comes in, yet it's the best thing to do. What we do know is: WHATEVER YOU FOCUS ON WILL EXPAND If you focus on the what if's of the relationships and the not having her, those are all painfull feelings. Focus on something good and new, to get good feelings. ACTIONS CREATE FEELINGS Actions right now, this thinking stinking thing, are the cause of the bad feelings. Take some new good actions. This is a little dicey what I am going too say next because I do not want to do anything to harm your pschye in anyway, and remember I'm up on a highwire here with no net and one eye shut, more chance to be wrong than right. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS Okay, cliched again, and won't go into it because that's not where I'm going. Best guess is that your ex is probably embarraressed to the maximum to have created such problems for everyone involved. And often times when this happens people just don't like to talk about this stuff, face it or be reminded of it. So, anytime you bring up the future now, she probably starts thinking about how she screwed up the past and has feelings of embarassment, which are stronger than what might be in the future. She also probably senses sub-conciously that you are making your happiness dependent on being in the relationship. Which making your happiness dependent on another person is too much of a responsiblity for most anyone to bear, especially after messing things up totally. So, the best thing here, is to take this time now and better yourself, concentrate on making things better for your kid. And in the future maybe your ex's wounds will heal enough with time that the future might look brighter, and then maybe she will be ready for some counseling. All in all, that is about all I have too say. Apologize if it was too much or not what you were looking for. Of course ask any quesitions you want, or PM me if you desire. The goal is to get yourself better so you are ready to enjoy totally whatever life has to offer you, and by the sound of it life has lot's to offer you. Hoped That Helped Good Luck
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#23
09-22-03, 12:51 PM
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THank you for all your help and your replies I appreciate everything you siad and all.
Thank you
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#24
09-22-03, 01:02 PM
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I guess Trip made a few good points, but keep that whole killing thing in mind. Have putt will travel.
__________________
On my way for the day I find no sorrow Everyday is all the same there's no tomorrow And I feel like I feel Cause it's cold here where you left me Hey I think that someday I might need you somehow I, I think I might have loved you These things I said but you were A million miles away A million miles away On my way for the day I find my heart is not for taking And I know it's all but gone It only served to make me cry And I feel like I feel Cause it's black here with your memory On my way for the day I find no sorrow
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#25
09-22-03, 01:18 PM
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I will keep that in mind thanks 
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