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#1
11-10-03, 02:26 PM
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How can I learn to be a bad-ass?
Ok, I am a decently big guy at 6'1" 220. But, I have been told by a couple of ladies that I am just too damn nice. I am not a pussy though and can make people back off when confronted. But, still I want to become more mysterious and have more of an exciting aura around me than I do now. I considered training for mixed martial arts contest fighting, maybe getting a tatoo and a few piercings and making friends with a rough crowd. Yes, I am serious.
My lack of dangerousness is even affecting my marriage so this is now a serious problem. So, I need some suggestions on how to achieve this without actually getting killed in the process. Another thought was to try to get a part-time job as a bouncer somewhere. But, I hate cigarrette smoke, so maybe that's out. Help!! 
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#2
11-10-03, 02:47 PM
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My suggestion is to be yourself... you wife fell in love with you... not your idea of macho ! But, taking martial arts is not a bad idea, it is good for the self esteme, will get you in better shape, and may even make you seem a little more dangerous..... dont go get covered in tattoos just to make your self feel tougher.
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#3
11-10-03, 05:36 PM
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Thanks, yeah that was my first instinct is to just be myself. But, I am facing tough competition. Wife has fallen for a guy half her age. He's a construction worker and part-time bouncer. Plus, he has a lot of tatoos that he got..... in prison. I am dead serious about this.
My life is kinda seriously fucked-up right now, so I admit I am grasping at straws and trying to hang on to what little self-esteem I have left. I earn what most would consider an assload of money, am in great shape, my daughters love me, and am told that I am too kind. So, maybe you can see why I question my actions and where it has gotten me. Women may think that men are cruel assholes sometimes, but in my opinion women have us beat hands down at fucking with our hearts and heads. They seem to know instinctively when a hug and three little words would do you good... but choose not to so they can watch you die a little inside.
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#4
11-10-03, 05:37 PM
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You could just pick a fight for no damn reason.. honestly though I am the guy your parents warned you about, and Im not fond of it. I laugh about it now as Im a bit calmer, but its not a great life when you gotta where the vest to work, and ur not a cop...
You can be whatever you want, but dont be soemthing just for someone else, thats where you really can get hurt
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#5
11-10-03, 05:39 PM
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Ok, too bad that wasnt up before I posted this ^
You have your self established and she wants to walk off with something that you wouldnt wanna scrape of your shoe...walk away bro, in a yr see where she is, you'll be able to laugh about it being respected is far better than being feared
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#6
11-10-03, 05:41 PM
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Hey Doom, thanks. That reminds me I have even considered hiring a couple of large tough looking actors to come up to my wife and I at night in a parking lot and act like they are trying to jack us. We would have it all correographed before hand so that she sees me grab each one and toss them or knock there heads togetehr three stooges style. Then they would run off and I would shout "Tell your friends who beat your ass!"
Maybe then, I would be her hero..
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#9
11-10-03, 11:23 PM
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Don't change bro,the only one that you should impress is your wife,she counts and if she likes the way you are then don't change.
Eat,Learn,Train,Grow IntensityX
__________________
In the game of life you can do one of two things,you can either wallow in self pitty or you can live the moment,I choose the latter. Administrator/Owner@ 
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#11
11-11-03, 11:31 AM
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Unfortunately people change, and it sounds as though your wife has changed. Mabey she feels inadequated in some portion of her life, and thinks a younger, rougher companion will make her complete and fill the void that she is feeling. I myself went through something similar in the past few years. DO NOT change yourself for anybody but yourself, and dont do it for the sake of your wife. What you both need is time apart to re-evaluate your lives, because it sounds that both of you are slowly drifiting apart. She seems to think she will find solstice in another life that is not her own, and you seem to be struggling to stay afloat.
Take this from someone who just very recently dealt with this... Let her go.... let her do her own thing, carry on with your life without her. Try new things and allow her to continue on whatever path she wants. You 2 definately need some space to re-evaluate your lives...If at the end, she decides she likes her new life better.... then let her go. It may hurt, but not nearly as much as persistent years of anger and resentment that trying to stay together would bring about. Just seperate for a bit, and try things on your own... it will be a breath of fresh air.
__________________
CrossFit Alpha: Fitness and Self Defense Personal Trainer Memphis Krav Maga Memphis CrossFit Memphis
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#12
11-11-03, 11:39 AM
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IMO, trying to put a front on to impress your wife is only a temporary solution. You are who you are and changing that will only make you unhappy. Once you resent her the problems will rise up again and then you will have taken a bad turn in your life for nothing. Think about what you will loose for her. Just because you keep her around a little longer, is that worth loosing your kids respect or even worse ther love.
__________________
 "When you understand why you reject all other gods, you will understand why I reject yours" - Stephen F. Roberts "Religion evolves more rapidly than evolution"
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#13
11-11-03, 01:17 PM
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I 100% AGREE WITH NEKRAWULF! Listen to him! He is right! Your wife is the one who has changed and there probably isn't anything you can do to get her to look at you differently. tatoos and piercings are temporary but will last a lifetime. maybe miss right is out there waiting and this is really a blessing in disguise... I always look at situations like this in that way.
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#14
11-11-03, 10:03 PM
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I can say this from experience...I have gone through this situation with a long term gf and she broke up with me. There were a lot of other factors involved but things were also similar to your situation, like I helped raise her 3 children over 6 years, house, etc... They were like MY children by then and I missed them the most. I still occasionally run into them, as we share the same basic interests but show no signs of attraction to her anymore. I feel much less of an attraction to her, in fact because she hasn't changed much but I grew. Eventually, I got over it and moved on with my life. Perhaps I have a slight aversion to committment now, hmmm...
I too, am told "You are so nice (or sweet)" Blech.... In my experience, women seem to like the challenge of the "hunt". If you show them too much accessibility, they will become bored with you, knowing that you are a pushover for them. This can be a turnoff for many women and can be misconstrued as a sign of weakness. It is not but that's their impression. It's too easy. I know that if I'm with a woman I'd like to enter a relationship (or solidify one) with the best possible attraction to them is to be yourself, good or bad. If they genuinely are interested in you, you'll know it. Sometimes women need a trigger to see you in a romantic relationship type of light otherwise, you're just "a great friend." In some cases, they need to see another woman spark interest in you. I know, it's all effed up but it is true. Here's an example...Over the summer, I met a woman who I was very interested in. She has an awesome personality and is cute too. She showed some interest in me too but also a bit of an aire of unattainability to me. Sort of a type of nervous sexual tension, lol. Anyway, I was outside the venue we were attending with her and a group of 5 female friends (they were having a cigarette) when I asked if anyone wanted anything from the store nearby. When I left, the girls that I knew commented on that I looked really good with my new haircut and I was looking pretty damn fit too  (I got the scoop later from one of the girls there). So, the rest of the weekend this girl was almost glued to me. It was just that she needed some positive reinforcement from those around her. They sort of brought me to her attention on a different level. She may have seen them as competition, I dunno but it definitely worked out in my favor.Anyway, if you try too hard to hold on to your wife, you may cause her to push even farther away. I have been on both sides of this particular issue and have learned it the hard way. I know how bad it hurts but try to give her space. The odds are that she may find that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Either way, love her and your children unconditionally but don't put your life completely on hold for her. Make her see you also can move on. If it is meant to be, you will eventually get back together. If not, then you can confidently know that you tried your best. My heart goes out to you, fl8meplz. If you ever need to talk just IM me or post here for me. Good luck.
__________________
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" - Albert Einstein "Mister, we deal in lead." - Steve McQueen, in The Magnificent Seven
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#15
11-13-03, 03:29 PM
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This is gonna be harsh..so if you dont want to hear harsh...dont read it.
Change for her? As she's spitting in your face?! Look man... take care of your little girls, you are their dad and be strong for them. Get pictures of your wife cheating on you (if thats what you mean by her falling for some guy), you may want to use these if it comes down to you trying to get custody of the kids. Make sure you get your money separate for her. New account she doesnt know about. Use her a few last times... tell her shit like 'get over here bitch and suck my dick', etc. Use her ass raw. make sure you are wearing condoms if shes been banging the prison guy. Make sure she's aware that that pussy was yours first. Then tell her - its an easy choice - stay here with this family or get the fuck out! Unless of course you are happy being her (and his) bitch. Look up the word "cuckhold". If thats you, have fun. If its not, look out for your kids, and tell her "Get out whore!"
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#17
11-16-03, 06:43 PM
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Quote:
I would start with this first and see where it goes. If nothing changes then just give her space and give her a deadline to make up her mind. one more thing DON'T BE A FUCKING IDIOT LIKE 99% OF THE MEN OUT THERE. GET A GODDAMN PI AND GET SOME PHOTOS IF SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU.
__________________
The bigger I get, the less I have to prove.
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#18
11-17-03, 09:08 AM
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fl8me, don't try to change yourself to please anyone else. We've talked off and on for a while and you've got much to be proud of. If your wife can't see what a catch she already has in you, then let her find out the hard way with this looser. Your open relationship with your wife was based on trust but it's obvious that she wasn't ready to handle it if she's really fallen for another guy like this. It's not due to something you've done or not done, but it's due to her own issues. Being with someone new is always fun and exciting, but nothing compares to the warmth and tenderness of a LTR and if she's blinded right now and can't see that, it's her loss. Stay strong as you deal with the emotions and heart break right now. I know you love her so obviously you need to do some serious communication with her to try to resolve the issues and mend your marriage, but if it doesn't work out, don't you go trying to change yourself to please her...you are who you are and there will be someone else out there who will love you and appreciate you just as you are. I wish you lots of luck and strength through this ordeal.
__________________
~~Fate does not come to us from the outside...it goes forth from within.~~
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#19
11-17-03, 01:32 PM
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If you're loaded go buy a badass car and tear up the streets. But don't change your personality though. When you get the car go off cruising more. It'll make her wonder what the hell your doing. And maybe that'll give her a little chase. Buy something like a brand new Camaro SS or a Vette.
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#20
11-17-03, 02:17 PM
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Quote:
Excellent post, agree 100%. Realize this is what I kind of do for a living, so have seen this stuff before, very similar stories. Best guess would be YOU ARE 100% NON-CONFRONTATIONAL IN ALMOST ALL SITUATIONS. People see your being non-confrontational as kindness, so that's what you think it is is kindness. It's really you have a great tendency to be non-confrontational in all situations. Reason why folks do this is because they FEEL if they voice their own feelings and opinions people will disagree and then a fight will ensue, and your believe is that the fight will lead to a much worse off situation, so you keep your mouth quite and accept the pain of horrible situations. The other thing that happens is because a person is non-confrontattional everyone thinks everything is okay with you, and then one day, out of the blue you express these deep pent up feelings which freak people out because they came out of the blue, no social signals were given as to how they felt, most signals they put out are all is oaky, so very disturbing for other party. Also, folks that are non-confrontational tend to be passive in relationships, meaning they go with flow yet do not take actions to make things better. There's lot's of stuff like this. Bottom line is people that are non-confrontational have difficulty with boundaries. There thinking tends to go like this, hmmmmmm, "If I could elminate this feeling I have all would be okay", guess what though, we all have feelings and most of us deal with them, the non-confrontational person believes certain feelings should be avoided, this starts a vicisous circle of avoiding all kinds of stuff. Please not, if this is you, fear not, you have done many great things, great kids, great job, you are very kind, and I'll take kindness over any other trait anyday, it takes tons of courage to be kind, any idiot can be an asshole and hurt people so they feel better. And you've posted cause you want to change. All of them are plus's. One of great things about non-confrontational people is that rather than their being 20 issues to deal with emotionally and fix, there is only one, the non-confrontational thing, and once that is overcome, through understanding, awareness, creating new believe systems, everything is so much better and easier, alot quicker. Wish You Luck Hoped This Helped
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#21
11-17-03, 03:10 PM
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Wrath is right about getting proof of infidelity and hiding as many of your assets as possible. If this is gonna blow up, make sure you're in the strongest position possible. Trust me, divorces aren't merely battles...they are WARS! I have a friend going through it right now...and it ain't pretty.
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#22
11-17-03, 03:21 PM
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FYI,
The reason why my guess is non-confrontational. Because someone has done something horribly wrong and it is their repsonsibility to fix it, yet, for some reason you believe it is your responsibility. Like someone just robbed a bank, and rather than say, stop, don't pass go, don't collect 200 dollars, you have now, by robbing the bank, earned the right to go to jail The non-confrontational person looks for ways to fix it, ie, helping the robber get away with it. Which rarely works.
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#23
11-17-03, 06:36 PM
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Quote:
I appreciate your chiming in since you have a lot of background on the situation. It's been several days since things really hit me hard and now after reading everyones posts and especially yours I think I have my hands around the situation and feel better. I have talked to her quite a bit about what I have feared over the last couple of weeks. What I have found is that I have been seeing what I feared instead of the truth. I think anyone would have done this if they were in my shoes. During the weeks leading up to her out of town trip to visit the guy she had told me that he got a part-time job bouncing at a bar. That gave me a mental image that the guy was the type that exuded confidence and power and could walk into a room and make people back up. I don't feel I can do this - even though I am a bigger guy - so I started feeling inferior. Then I heard he was working in construction. I don't know how many construction workers you know or if any on here are, but around our part of the country the words 'timid' and construction worker are never side-by-side. Another blow to my self-esteem. She tells me he is planning on starting a tatoo business since he learned how to do it in prison in between lifting weights. So, by now, I am only concentrating on the image that she is hot for a guy who, by all accounts, is the roughest, toughest, meanest, cockiest S.O.B. on the planet. That combined with the longer phone calls leading up to the trip and the trip itself did me in. Open-marriage or not, this did not seem like something I could compete against. After talking with my wife and telling her what was eating at me she put my head on straight. She told me that even though she enjoys talking with him that she doesn't have any romantic feelings at all for him. She says it's just sex and that is it. As you put it Mrs. P. I thought she was blinded and was drifting away from me, but she isn't. It's just new and exciting. She told me again that she loves me and will never leave me. What made it better was that she told me that he had started begging her to spend more time with him, but she told him that was not going to happen and to forget it and that if he started begging her to leave me, etc. that she would walk away from him without saying bye. So, I panicked and should not have. I think all is well now. I appreciate everyones concern and thoughtful insight. fl8meplz
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#24
11-17-03, 06:45 PM
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Quote:
One of my parents was a manic-depressive alchoholic and I had to grow up dealing with that shit on a daily basis. So, my non-confrontational personality helped me survive. Maybe I was born that way - or maybe I developed it then. In either case, it sucks.
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#25
11-17-03, 08:02 PM
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)
