Need some help,or maybe just your opinions...please - SuperiorMuscle.com

urso8up · #1 12-04-03, 07:14 AM

I have a little problem well not a problem just a little wall in life right now. Some of you know that I have a wonderful son and that I have been divorced for about 4 1/2 months, My ex went back to an old boyfriend and she ended up pregnant. Since then he wanted her to get a paternity test (the one where the stick a big needle through the belly) My ex wouldn't do it because it is not all that safe for the baby. He kept pushing the issue and he finally made her see that he is all about his money and himself
and really don't care for anyone else or the unborn child. Well since the took different paths her and I have been talking and all.
She asked me last night what my thoughts were on the whole baby issue. Like would it make a difference if it was his. I said it really wouldn't matter to me who's it was Because is you love the person then you would love the child in the same way. Now this past year We have been through allot our family was tore apart our home was sold. I see my son ever weekend and ever tuesday. I help her out as much as possible. OK now that you know some of the stuff about part of my life here comes your part if you can give me a little advice or opinion or even your $0.02. She told me last week that we could use this time to get to know each other again. What does that mean? The other question is Should I tell her that I would like to see if we could make things work and get back together. I do still love her and Should
I tell her that I am still in love with her or should I just leave it alone and see what happens.

lxorl · #2 12-04-03, 07:30 AM

Hummm tough one... I would probably ride it out for a little while, and not profess my love right away. but then that is easier said than done if you really do love her.

If you already have a son with her then you are pretty much connected for life, so its not really a rush.

Puddles · #3 12-04-03, 09:26 AM

I'm sure she knows you still love her, it's very hard to hide that from someone. Just take things slow. If your marriage was good before, it can be good again. People make mistakes. But...be very careful because some people don't change and just continue to repeat their mistakes.

No matter what you do it'll be a risk...a risk of having your heart broken again or a risk of not being with the woman you love.

You might want to go to the book store and look at the relationship and self help books to get a good understanding of what's going on both inside yourself and between the two of you. Sometimes there's more to it than it appears.

urso8up · #4 12-04-03, 10:22 AM

Yes this is a tough one that is the reason I came to SM there is allot of good people here with some experience and good advice.
THank you lxorl for your reply and man is it tough to be in my place where do i go and what do i do. Many question pop in my head...I haven't really got too much work done at work because my mind is going crazy.

Mrs P thank you and I have thought of the risks here many of them but hen I thought what is life without risks isn't that what life is made of. I just may run to the book store and look for some book ...great idea thank you.

Starr · #5 12-04-03, 10:29 AM

Good advice from Mrs. P.

Sometimes it really is worth it to try to regain the relationship. However, if you just jump back into it without first realizing what truly made it fail in the first place, you run the risk of repeating the same cycle, over and over and over. Take your time to really think about whether both you and she are ready to do it right. Take your time, move slowly. But also realize, that just because you love someone doesn't mean that it's right. And because there is a child involved between you, doesn't mean that you should be miserable together just because you are lonely and afraid of what's out there.

So really really think about this...only you can realize what is the right answer for you. And remember, you've got to look out for your own best interests.

trip · #6 12-04-03, 10:49 AM

All right, let's be honest here, fess up, YOU WANT TO DO IT!!!

Just be smart this time, set limits and boundaries, goals, and if it ever reaches point consider reforming the family GET COUNSELING.

I say the first line in jest, have read many of your posts and your capacity to still show love and kindness through all of your own personal pain, is a mark of honor and courage.

At this stage take time and see how it plays out, if I'm correct in remembering she is the one that made decisions to change the family, not you, although we all have our faults, etc., it seems you never ever violated a trust in anyway, which she has done.

And that trust issue is now on her shoulders to be earned, and it is your responsibility to both yourself and your son and her too give her the expereince of re-earning it to rid herself of guilt and feel good about the future, you don't want this bagage if you ever move forward.

IMHO, there is always hope for the "Little Red Engine" , it huffs and puffs a damn lot, yet somehow always ends up having a journey of some type.

Just let it see where it goes.

Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

PS- oops forgot, all replies are right on the money

urso8up · #7 12-04-03, 01:38 PM

Thanks everyone.. This really helps me.

Thank you

GearTripper · #8 12-04-03, 02:07 PM

you don't have to answer this if you don't want - but have you been with other women since your break-up? if you have; and you still luv your ex... that's gotta mean something... or it could be a comfort issue too. take your time

urso8up · #9 12-04-03, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GearTripper
you don't have to answer this if you don't want - but have you been with other women since your break-up? if you have; and you still luv your ex... that's gotta mean something... or it could be a comfort issue too. take your time

YEs i have been with other woman since the break-up. Oh i have tried and i have gone out with a couple of really hot and some nice girls. But i always come back to the Ex. She has my heart

**redsquirrel** · #10 12-04-03, 02:36 PM

Don't profess your love for her immediately. IMHO, what she said could mean 1 of 2 things: 1) she thinks you may be the father and wants there to be no surprises if it turns out to be your child. (If she continued to date the scumbag and it was your kid, etc) 2) she realizes her mistake and wants a second chance.
Just like someone else said, take it very slow. Treat it as if you are both starting from scratch and learning about each other all over again, as best you can obviously. Go back to dating basics. Encourage her to do the same. After the divorce, I am sure you have both changed in some manner.

Be careful. Even if things do workout make damn sure this time this is something both YOU and SHE can stay commit to for life.

Nekrawulf · #11 12-04-03, 06:40 PM

This one hits home to me.... all except minus the children.

I have an extreme devotion and love for my estranged wife. And we are considering getting back together.

The way I am approaching the situation is that I am giving her all the space in the world that she needs.... I want to see if she truly is legit, or jus tup to her old tricks again.

I understand how you feel, belive me I do... everyday I question myself,wondering if Im making the choice to get back with her for the right reasons.

Go slow, and be sure it is the right decision.... if this truly is what she wants, she will understand the time that you need to make it work

urso8up · #12 12-05-03, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nekrawulf
This one hits home to me.... all except minus the children.

I have an extreme devotion and love for my estranged wife. And we are considering getting back together.

The way I am approaching the situation is that I am giving her all the space in the world that she needs.... I want to see if she truly is legit, or jus tup to her old tricks again.

I understand how you feel, belive me I do... everyday I question myself,wondering if Im making the choice to get back with her for the right reasons.

Go slow, and be sure it is the right decision.... if this truly is what she wants, she will understand the time that you need to make it work

YEs i too every morning question my self am i doing things right. I mean we went out to dinner last night and then shopping. and everything was good. But I am trying to take things slow.

Thank you all for your imput.

BIKER_GIXXER · #13 12-05-03, 07:45 AM

Personally, I would be more concerned with the relationship between your and your little man. I love my wife to death, but if things were to go sour, for whatever reason, I would give my left nut to make sure my son and I have a great relationship. Women come and go bro.

As far as your X goes, keep playing it cool, let the chips fall were they may. Give her the impression that your'll be o.k. with or without her, that way she'll at least respect you for being a man and not one of those 'sappy' types that get walked all over.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

trip · #14 12-05-03, 08:39 AM

We should start a log, I got my phone call from the ex on Monday, feel the same way as Nekra, oh well

Thatsa Life

Gilster · #15 12-07-03, 12:36 PM

I know you may not want to hear this but I will say it anyway..I do not mean to judge you as I do not know you...I am a bit older than most here and I have been thru a few more things than most...here goes.....

You may feel that you do not care now about who that new child's real father is because of many emotional feelings, and that is beautiful and says a lot about you. However at some point you will have a disagreement about the child in regards to something minor and you will remember this moment and it will bother you if you do not know or if it is your child or not. It will always be in the back of your mind. Forgiving is easy, forgeting is near impossible.

Just take it slow is my $.02...Think this out well b4 you make life altering decisions...again...Good luck bro.

urso8up · #16 12-08-03, 11:55 AM

Thanks again everyone....I am going to be moving forward but at a very slow pace.....No need to rush if things were meant to be then they will be in the end. I am just going to continue be as close to my son aspossible not sure how i can get any closer but i will try. So i am going to do my best to take my time .......But things did get alittle hot over the weekend but that is behind us now and I an not doing that anymore. See the problem is she is pregnant and I am a sucker for prgnant woman ...Yeah you may think I am strange but it's just something about the belly and havinga little person growing inside of a woman that gets me everytime ...........