Chuck Norris

[Russell]

It's probably most contoversial to make this statement, but I'll give it a go anyway:
I think Chuck Norris looks better than Arnold

There; I said it, you can all read it now, please don't kill me for this, vote on the poll wheter you agree or disagree.

[twizzbeats]

youre gay

[SloppyJo]

why the fuck is this in the sex and relationship section?
and by the way, you're a tool.

[slipshady]

i agree in that you're a tool russel

[Russell]

I'm a tool? Like a hammer or a saw you mean?

[Shibby]

I don't know why you think it so contraversial. Not everyone wants or likes the mass of Arnold. Everyone has different goals.

[Russell]

Perhaps, but that still doesn't take away the fact that Chuck Norris looks dynamite!!!!

[phatchopper]

Fact:
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

-Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Deceptions and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

-Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

-Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

-Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

-Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

-Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

-Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

-In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

-Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

-Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

-Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

-Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

-Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

:laughnew: :laughnew: :laughnew:

[phatchopper]

heres your man

[Shibby]

Originally Posted by Russell

Perhaps, but that still doesn't take away the fact that Chuck Norris looks dynamite!!!!

...

[SloppyJo]

Some more facts about Chuck Norris that we all should have known already:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

3. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

4. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

5. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

6. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

7. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

9. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

10. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

12. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

13. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."

14. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

15. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

16. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

17. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.

18. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

19. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral $ex, KFC and Tequila.

20. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

21. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

22. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

23. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.

24. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

25. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

26. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

27. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

28. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

29. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

30. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had $ex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

31. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

32. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

33. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up
with lactose's $hit.

34. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

35. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

[meat12]

Originally Posted by Russell

I'm a tool? Like a hammer or a saw you mean?

exactly :laughnew:

[meat12]

Originally Posted by SloppyJo

21. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

:laughnew:

omg that one is hysterical

[BBAddict]

"Blithering idiot"

[psyko1]

haha. chopper and jo, you guys are great, that's the funniest shit i've read all month.

[bad14u]

Originally Posted by phatchopper

Fact:Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

:laughnew: