letting go

[bjbabe]

I am in love with this guy. But our realtionship is not healthy neither for me or him. He can't trust me and to be honest i really don't blame him. But he is no saint either. I mean we all make mistakes right no one is perfect at all, i do love him and i wish that our realtionship can work out. I really don't see myself with anyone else nor do i want to. But he tells me that he no longer wants to talk to me or see me.

My question is how can i let go of him and stop crying and hoping that we can be together cause i see know that we can't there is no way he can trust me ever again.

I need help or advice, on how to make this easier for me.

If anyone has gone trough the same thing what steps did you do make you stop calling him.

[Stonecold54]

Originally posted by bjbabe
I am in love with this guy. But our realtionship is not healthy neither for me or him. He can't trust me and to be honest i really don't blame him. But he is no saint either. I mean we all make mistakes right no one is perfect at all, i do love him and i wish that our realtionship can work out. I really don't see myself with anyone else nor do i want to. But he tells me that he no longer wants to talk to me or see me.

My question is how can i let go of him and stop crying and hoping that we can be together cause i see know that we can't there is no way he can trust me ever again.

I need help or advice, on how to make this easier for me.

If anyone has gone trough the same thing what steps did you do make you stop calling him.

you need to focus on some thing postive no matter how small or big it is. Time will heal but you need to focus your energy on something else (not another guy). pick something you like and go with. I went through that with one of my ex girls and it took me a year to completly get her out of my head and now I am married and have a good life. so things can always look up if that is where you keep your head. Good luck too you.

[bad14u]

The best way to get over a guy is to get on top of another and I will volunteer for the job!!!:p

[TrippersGirl]

If your question could be answered you'd be a millionaire....unfortunately, time is key. Cut all ties, no calls, nocheck-ups, no contact. Breaking up is soo hard, especially when you're still in love with the guy, but if you two were meant to be he'll call you and try to talk things out later down the line. Good luck girl! Keep BUSY and hang in there!!

[Shibby]

There is no right answer. Only time will make things better. This is a time for you to take a look at yourself and where you want to go in other aspects of your life. Focus on trying to get there. You may have many failed attempts at doing so since the thing that made you strive most is gone. Also look to your friends. Spend lots of time with them. Doing things you like to do, but try to make them as un-guy related as possible. This will help you find and see the other things in your life that makes you happy. Then you can focus less on what made you happy and more on what makes you happy. I can relate in another degree. I have a girl that I so much feel is perfect for me. We went back and forth because her ex burned her so bad that it was hard for her to let out to much of her heart. Now I'm moving half way across the country in 6 months. So no matter how much we try to make things work it's just a matter of makeing it harder or easier when I leave. Try to accept that there may just not be an answer to your question. You can only try to let it fade as much as possible so the other positves in your life can bring themselves forward.

[bjbabe]

Originally posted by bad14u
The best way to get over a guy is to get on top of another and I will volunteer for the job!!!:p

I really don't think that will be wise. or the best thing to do.

All i would end up doing is hurting myself and him

[Shibby]

Originally posted by TrippersGirl
If your question could be answered you'd be a millionaire....unfortunately, time is key. Cut all ties, no calls, nocheck-ups, no contact. Breaking up is soo hard, especially when you're still in love with the guy, but if you two were meant to be he'll call you and try to talk things out later down the line. Good luck girl! Keep BUSY and hang in there!!

Exactly. Something I would like to add that I forgot, is that if you keep trying to hang on any tiny thread, you will never know if you can live without out him. That is your journey now. To see if you can live happy without him. It could take weeks, months, longer. It took me almost 3 years to be ready to be with someone again, more than just having a little fun. I can't remeber how long it took to know I could live without her, but it was a long time. We were together for 3 and half years. Look to your friends and if you have to ask them to do there best not to let you down when you need them the most. Remeber they are your friends but there are also just human too. Everytime they help may not be the right way but the intentions are good. As much as they want you to be happy and be happy with them, don't let them loose focus on themselves trying to help you too much. Alot of it will come down to you fixing things inside and only you can do that.

[bjbabe]

Originally posted by stonecold54
you need to focus on some thing postive no matter how small or big it is. Time will heal but you need to focus your energy on something else (not another guy). pick something you like and go with. I went through that with one of my ex girls and it took me a year to completly get her out of my head and now I am married and have a good life. so things can always look up if that is where you keep your head. Good luck too you.

Congratulations on you marriage and finding that special someone that keeps you going everday. Hopefully one day i will find that someone. I just really thought that he was my soulmate the one that knows more about me then anyone.

[bonebreaker]

I think I can speak for many of the people on this board, including myself, who have been through the very same thing before. The previous answers to this thread were all right on. You CANNOT sit and "stew in your own juices". STAY AS BUSY AS POSSIBLE, with friends and family. Don't discuss your trials and tribulations with friends and family, it'll only keep him in your head. You have to cut all ties. Don't listen to any songs that remind you of him. Don't eat any foods that remind you of him. STAY AWAY FROM ANYTHING THAT DOES. AND MOST OF ALL---NO CONTACT WITH HIM!! Maybe see your Dr. and get a mild anxiety drug like Xanax to take at bedtime or when you are really having a rough day. You'll have more bad days at first, but as time wears on, you'll start having more good days than bad. TRUST ME, "time heals ALL wounds". And NEVER see another guy to "get even", or just to have something to do. You'll be ready soon enough to see other people. Good luck sweetheart, we're all pulling for you. BB

[Shibby]

Originally posted by bonebreaker
I think I can speak for many of the people on this board, including myself, who have been through the very same thing before. The previous answers to this thread were all right on. You CANNOT sit and "stew in your own juices". STAY AS BUSY AS POSSIBLE, with friends and family. Don't discuss your trials and tribulations with friends and family, it'll only keep him in your head. You have to cut all ties. Don't listen to any songs that remind you of him. Don't eat any foods that remind you of him. STAY AWAY FROM ANYTHING THAT DOES. AND MOST OF ALL---NO CONTACT WITH HIM!! Maybe see your Dr. and get a mild anxiety drug like Xanax to take at bedtime or when you are really having a rough day. You'll have more bad days at first, but as time wears on, you'll start having more good days than bad. TRUST ME, "time heals ALL wounds". And NEVER see another guy to "get even", or just to have something to do. You'll be ready soon enough to see other people. Good luck sweetheart, we're all pulling for you. BB

I would like to disagree on the drugs. Try to stay away from that since it's just the one thing that's bringing you down. I also think listening to a song that reminds you of him ON ACCASION, notice little things that remind you of him, ect. it's healthy. It helps take you to a hard place and pull yourself back to somewhere positive. You can't let go all at once. It happens piece by piece.

[bjbabe]

We where together of and on for four years, and its hard to say goodbye. I know that as much as i am hurting, he might be suffering. I know its hard but i really can't see him with anyone else. But i do want his happiness, and if he believes that by not talking to me is what he needs as much as it hurts me to say i won't talk to him again. We do live in a small town and the chances of me seeing him will happen.
I really try not to talk to my friends as much about him and me anymore, cause half of the time they have problems on their own. And i just don't want to burden them any more with mine. But they are there for me as will as everyone here at SM and i Thank you for that.

[Shibby]

Well sounds like your on the right track. If you do run into him randomly it will be the weirdest thing ever. Don't try and do the right thing. Best if possible is just to smile and keep on your way. Don't think anything will be rude in an avodance kind of way. It's just part of the healing process. Everyone says they wish it didn't have to end badly. But it always ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.

[Stonecold54]

Originally posted by Shibby
But it always ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.

that is a good saying.

[psyko1]

no one can tell you how to heal it's a process that takes some people a lifetime to learn. do what feels right to you to get your mind off of him. focus on yourself for once. be about YOU. (refering to the last four years you speak of) although seeing other guys don't help some people it might help you. maybe get a hobby, definitely spend time with friends just don't let their troubles get to you. know when to shut them out cause they could easily make you feel more like crap than you already do. besides bjbabe with a name like that i doubt you'll have too much trouble finding someone to put that smile back on your face.

P.S. drugs and alcohol should not even be a thought in the healing process. stay as clearheaded as you can otherwise you could get hooked or do something you're gonna regret the next morning. (like call the guy) goodluck and take care. we're always here if you need to talk.

[bad14u]

Originally posted by bjbabe
I really don't think that will be wise. or the best thing to do.

All i would end up doing is hurting myself and him

Sorry BJ...bad joke on my part! Just trying to lighten the mood! Just as everyone else has said....TIME! You need to focus on yourself, your life, your job, anything that will keep you from thinking about him! You should tell all of your friends that if they se him out and about, that they do not need to come running to you and telling you that they saw him doing whatever with whoever! These bits of info only hender the situation you are trying so hard to get out of! My heart goes out to you, as I am sure everyone else here does too! All of us have had something like this happen in our lives! Just remember TIME!!! Time heals all wounds, but TIME only heals when you're letting go!!!

[THE BOUNCER]

By the way you worded the post I take it you cheated on him?

[trip]

Prescription for Healing

1. Go back and re-read your own posts on this subject .

2. Write down all you're thoughts on the subject .

Now, go back through all this stuff and see if it is true or not true .

All of your thoughts lean toward PREDICTING THE FUTURE , WHAT YOU THINK SHOULD HAPPEN .

That is a thought process that leads to massive amounts of pain, the pain of self-regret, shoulda woulda coulda , because everything you are emotionally relying on is in the future of what may be, you are setting irrational unrealistic expectations that have a minute chance of happening, thus your thought process of what you believe is setting you up for more pain and failure .

No one can predict the future, no one, not today, tommorrow or next year, yet your thoughts are leaning towards basing all of your emotional decisions on such of a foundation. Again, this will lead to disappointment and pain.

Concentrate on today, and what you can do that is positive today, ie, all the little things, and like all the posts say, time will heal the wounds.

Why is that? Because it is true, and here is how it works emotionally.

It is all based on the pyschological principle of: The Recency Effect

The Recency Effect: states that the most recent thing that happens is the most emotional.

The most recent thing that has happened to you is extremely painful . So, painful your joy will be limited in the immediate future.

As time goes on, little by little, and then bigger by bigger, the most recent things you feel will be a little joy, and then bigger joy, because some recent event will provide it, ie, your pay-off for taking positive actions.

Yup, that is how time heals all wounds.

Another trap folks fall into is PROJECTING YOUR FEELINGS ONTO OTHERS, rather than believing what they say, and what their actions say.

He has said it is over, his actions say it is over, yet, for some reason you chose to project what you want to believe and disregard what he says and does, again, this just sets you up for the pain of regret, because you're not paying attention to the red flags and the reality of the situation.

Take this time to better yourself . The only way to have a better relaitionship in the future is to better yourself. Maybe, get some couseling, ( like bouncer said, sounds like you cheated, possibility of their being some major issues their that need to be resolved ) , read some self help books, hit the gym, and believe it or not one of the quickest ways to feel better is to do some volunteer work, it is amazing how when you help people less fortunate you get a whole different perspective on your own struggles . ( there is the recency effect again, hmmm )

If you read all the posts and take them to heart what you learn is that everyone when looking back has used the experience as a chance to learn and grow more about life.

that is the choice you have before you, learn and grow from it, or avoid the emotions, compete with the emotions, or deny the emotions before you.

As a matter of fact their are four ways to deal with emtoins:

A. Avoid
B. Deny
C. Compete
D. Learn & Grow

So, now the choice is totally yours, you've read the posts, you've recieved some good advice .

Choice D, can lead you to happiness.

Choice A, B, & C lead to the probabilities of repeating the same mistake over and over and over, which means more and more pain .

Sorry, normally not this harsh and straight forward, yet, tried to give as much info in short amount of time, I'm working on the weekend when I should be relaxing .

In summary, although your pain feels dreadful and personal and you feel all alone, their is not one of us on this board who have not been down that road, it is a part of life, life in essecne is not good or bad, it is good and bad . Seems this is one of the rough parts.

In closing:

The No. 1 Way To Better The World, Is To Better Yourself


Go Forth & Prosper


Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

[Shibby]

Great response Trip. You know how to put it into words well.


bjbabe- I personally always like to here his opinion. He's helped me alot and seems to be great at what he does.

[bjbabe]

Thank you trip for the advice, I know that i have to focus on myself its time for me to have a back bone and to stand up for myself and to decide whats best and health for my life.

On the question if i cheated on him, i didn't we where not together when it happen but it is my fault that i slept with someone else cause i never told him. I couldn't i didn't know how. How do you tell the person that you love and care so much about that you slept with someone else. When that person got his ex girlfriend pregnant how can you compete with her how can you pertend that everything will be ok, with her in his life for the rest of his life.

But what i don't or can't understand is why i still love him. Why all i think about his him. Why no matter if i am out with my friends why i still want to be with him. I do love him a lot and i wish we can work things out. But all he does is always throw what i did in my face.

I thank you for all your advice, Now its up to me to figure out what i need in my life.

If you would see me now you would know that i am so lost with out him. At work and my friends they no longer see the smile that i once had. I lost myself and i don't know how to gain that back.

[Shibby]

Originally posted by bjbabe
Thank you trip for the advice, I know that i have to focus on myself its time for me to have a back bone and to stand up for myself and to decide whats best and health for my life.

On the question if i cheated on him, i didn't we where not together when it happen but it is my fault that i slept with someone else cause i never told him. I couldn't i didn't know how. How do you tell the person that you love and care so much about that you slept with someone else. When that person got his ex girlfriend pregnant how can you compete with her how can you pertend that everything will be ok, with her in his life for the rest of his life.

But what i don't or can't understand is why i still love him. Why all i think about his him. Why no matter if i am out with my friends why i still want to be with him. I do love him a lot and i wish we can work things out. But all he does is always throw what i did in my face.

I thank you for all your advice, Now its up to me to figure out what i need in my life.

If you would see me now you would know that i am so lost with out him. At work and my friends they no longer see the smile that i once had. I lost myself and i don't know how to gain that back.

Just remeber that your not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one that reads this and thinks "Ary you (insert name here)" as in do I know you. When reading that there were a couple girls names that quickly popped in my head. Your not to blame, it's just a lost cause. I just got finished trying to make my lost cause work. I may not be as happy as I use to be with her, but I am feeling more free. Getting that "little joy's" and know I close to the recent "big joy's".

[trip]

shibby,

thanks for the prop's, always nice too hear.

bjbabe,

I'll answer you're big question second.

On the issue of cheating, since it is not it is not, and since you were not together it is really none of his business. And basically agree with you not telling him, gosh if we told everyone all of our secrets their would be no mystery.

So, in this instance do not shoulder the responsibility because how you explained it you did nothing wrong . This is in essence called boundaries, meaning he has no right to be mad when you did nothing wrong, if he chooses to hold a grude and feel bad it only hurts himself.

Why you still love him.

No. 1 Fear ( of people ) Fear of Change: ( definition ) Anticipation of pain if something is different .

Well, you're whole life has now just changed, and probably were'ent even prepared for it .

So, basically everything is different, so when you look into the future, you can see all the differences and anticipate how painful they will be, and you actually feel the pain NOW, even before anything has happened, ( one of those we're our own worst enemy )

With him everything was set, you had security, while it may not have been perfect, at least nothing was unexpected, you had a general feel for what would happen, so security was set.

Now, well, no security , thus fear of change etc.

Okay, now that is one explanation .

And this is the reason why a good counselor can really help in these situations.

What I described above is a GENERAL thesis, kind of like the weather report, yeah, that's what it should be like today. Although we know, if may not be like that in the specifics.

There could be specific reason why you constantly think of him, such as:

Slight cases of:

obsessive compulsive disorder
Attention deficit disorder
trust issues
fear issues
chidhood issues
love issues

See, could be one of above or a number of other things. And here is the key, it sound like you are smart, you write well and have a good handle on the descriptive, plus you're inquisitive, all good traits for success. Often times in counseling it's a tiny little thing that people don't understand that opens up the blue skies, most times just need someone to point the way.

Here's a little something you can try, and we need to be honest here.

There is nothing wrong with still caring for him, not in the least, you have strong emotional bond and no reason that should not be cherished and respected.

Ask your selve and be very specific, maybe even write them down, what was healthy about relationship? and what positive things happened?

Try and veer your thoughts from some great emotional connection to the reality of what was .


You gave the answer in your post, it is time for you do be responsible for your own emotional healthy life. Make it simple on yourself, write down a few things you can do this week to start the ball rolling, pray for 20 minutes a day, sit on my couch look around the room and be thankful for all the goodness, compliment 3 people a day, thank a dozen people a day for their help, read a self-help book, start to journal maybe write 3 pages a day.

Take any action, any action is better than no action, and will lead you quicker to happiness.

good luck