Stronger Than Pride

[Ranger]

Can't forget the ladies, and the hard work they do........




Women Of Iron


Some house's try to hide the truth,
that Women of Iron dwell in there.
Our house's show it openly,
the signs are everywhere.

We know sacrifice, and feel the pain,
sometimes we don't know one, from the other.
We've always been in the Game of Iron,
but first, we're housewives and mother's.

In the gym, we find our freedom,
they are special times you know.
At night we lay and wonder,
just where did all that time go?

They look upon us differently,
and even Iron Brother's sometimes do.
Yet, we have to be warm and understanding,
and have a wonderful gentlness too!

We've answered for all our mistakes,
no matter how big or small.
We divide our time between the gym and family,
but, family is placed above it all.

We never asked for compassion,
to make our pain fall away.
Maybe a smile, and a kind word,
a compliment, just one...someday!

We try to share our wisdom,
and give insight into a woman's skill.
In return, we get smirks and stares,
and answers that make us ill!

Faced our trials and tribulations,
fought our battles of love.
Through it all, we found our strength,
from the Iron God up above!

We hate all mirror's, can't pass them by,
and still not believing the sight.
Walked away with tears in our eyes,
and lay awake wondering each night.

We accept the thought of lonliness,
in your eyes, should we ever fail.
We have never denied we are different,
for the Iron God made us...FEMALES!!!!

Ranger

[Ranger]

Maybe a few to bring a smile....Just to ease the pain, if only for a few hours.....<wink>




Dating Gym Bunnies


I must say, Stretch and I have had our fill of dating local Gym Bunnies. They have to be the hardest creatues on earth to understand, why God put them here is still beyond the both of us. They've even started calling us " Milk-men " simply because each one that we date, puts an expiration date on the realtionship.

So, Stretch and I have decided to help our fellow Iron Brothers from making the same mistakes we have made. If our advice contained in this top secret report helps one failing realtionship, we have achieved our ultimate goal.

Ranger and Stretch's Guide To Dating Gym Bunnies:

The Top 30:


1. All Iron Brother's only see in 12 different colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color!

2. If you don't dress in Spandex at the gym, or something from Victoria's Secrets when we go out, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys!

3. If you think you're holding to much fat pre-contest, you probally are. Don't ask us. Guys, never answer this question! Change the subject by asking them about Peach Colored shirts.

4. Birthday's, Anniversaries, and Valentines Day are not a quest for us to find the perfect gift. Our wisdom has taught us that lifting gloves, and chalk do not qualify as " perfect " gifts!

5. If you ask a question about training and diet you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you really don't want to hear!

6. When we lift, we're not thinking about you. Live with it! If you ask us what we're thinking, expect answers about max reps, myoplex, nitro-tech, and what Ronnie Coleman does for back day.

7. Sunday=Sports!! Let this one be.

8. Shopping for new Aerobic shoes does not count as a sport. It never will, and we refuse to think of it that way.

9. Other than the gym, if we have to go somewhere. Anything you wear will be fine....Really!

10. Crying about weight gain is blackmail!

11. Ask for what you want: Lets be very clear on this one, subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just spit it out!

12. No, we don't know what day it is. Unless it's arms and chest day, leg day, deadlift day...etc. Mark all important dates on the calendar.

13. Peeing while standing up after heavy deadlifts is difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Deal with it!

14. Most Iron Brothers own 3 pair of shoes. We cannot pick one pair out of thirty that will look good in your Pilates Class. Don't ever ask that again.

15. Yes, and No are excellent answers to all our questions.

16. Come to us with a problem only if you want our help in solving it. Sympathy is what other Gym Bunnies are for!

17. Headaches and sore muscles from Areobics Class that last 12 months is a major problem. Go see a doctor.

18. Foreign love films are best left to foreign countries. Unless it has Arnold in it, or war, and Bruce Lee movies are an exception as well.

19. Love Quiz's...It's in neither your best interest, or ours to take one of these together!

20. Anything we said 6 months ago does not count in an argument. All comments made after heavy deadlift day become null and void in 24 hours.

21. We're going to ogle other Spandex wearing Gum Bunnies, let us do it. We cannot help this act, it's genetic, and there is no known cure for this.

22. Please respect our quite moments. Say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks....We thank you on this one.

23. Chalk is as exciting to us, as matching sport tops are to you.

24. If we ask what's wrong, and you say nothing. We will act like nothing is wrong and continue our workout.

25. We know when you tell a little white lie about your weight and body fat percentage...it's just not worth the hassel.

26. We grunt. It's what we do, if the door is closed and we're grunting...don't knock!

27. You have plenty of workout clothes, and too many shoes, don't tell us you have nothing to wear.

28. We compare ourselves to other Iron Brothers, the same way you compare yourself to other Gym Bunnies. We go up and ask advice from them, you pick their bones clean.

29. Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio are not ripped. We hate to burst this fantasy...Deal with it!

30. Extra protein we take in has certain side effects. We cannot always be discreet. Practice holding your breath, this will also benefit you in areobics class. So in a way, we're doing this to help you.


It is Stretch and Ranger's wishes that this be cut out, and placed where every Gym Bunny can see it. It could, one day, help all our Iron Brothers in realtionship issues.

Stretch and I thank you,

Ranger

[Ranger]

They're in every gym

Well, my training partner Stretch Swanson and I were talking today about the gym members. They're everywhere, and you see them at every gym you visit, join, or workout in. They have had the desire to follow Stretch and I, everywhere we go. Now that they have found out that New Years resoultion is hard work and guts, they're numbers are dwindling at a rapid pace. Looking back, how many can we remember...???

Let's take a look, shall we...

STEVE STICKFIGURE- Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is. He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc. Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a rep. It's to bad Steve weighs 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains included.

THE PEC-DECK POSSE- They generally move in groups of five, so beware!! No one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter their circle!! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.

CARLA COROLLA- Carla is quite the ledgend! No one has bigger balls than Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can recognize her by the 1/2 inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out the divots. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla than runs forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next...forever!

ANNA DROL- Anna is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the dudes in the gym, and has sexual organs longer than a footlong hot dog. Her voice sounds like Tone Loc when she asks for a spot, and stretch marks accross her pecs that would rival the hardest core lifter. After her workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey wearing a mini skirt...Stretch really digs this chick!

BILL FLOODGATE- Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use caution when approaching him!

RANDY RATCHETJAW- This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours, greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble from that wadgobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill Floodgate needs a spot...Heh heh heh!

LITTLE COUSIN BOBBY- This is the slightly(mentally) challenged guy who works the front desk. Bobby is VERY intense, and generally foams at the mouth when you forget your membership card. DO NOT make Bobby mad!

AUNT BEE- Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a waif of perfume vapor that lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen her....Never discuss a recipe with this broad!!

THE BENCH BUNCH- I don't need to go into this to much. They are three guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all the way around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns!

CANDY CARDIOBUNNY- The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts weights because she doesn't want to look " Bulky " . Candy can be identified simply because she looks as though she could hang glide from a Dorito Chip!

BEN BACKINTHEDAY- Ben's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises, and training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Ben suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no cure. Around the gym it's known as Exageratted Lat Syndrom, which forces the afflicted to walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the impression of huge, Coleman-like lats. Wide-grip chins have been reported to reduce the effects of this grossly deforming disease.

BUNNY SPANDEX- Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop workouts, make older men act 18, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole! She wears the latest " Show me everything " attire, blonde hair, perky breasts, and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!

ARNOLD ROIDHEAD- No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to imense proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.

GARY GOATFARMER- Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. Comes in straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots, dirty jeans, and removes his flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt to work out in. Gary can simply clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for Gary, but it has been reputed that soap may reduce the after burner qualities he has!

WILLIE WIFEBEATER- They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts, pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body peircings spread out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains uknown at this point.

LARRY LOCKERROOM- Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no one knows for sure. Larry, after his workout, likes to spend at least an hour in the locker room naked, prancing around with elephant like wrinkles, and more chins than a Chinese Resturant. He will use the blow dryer to dry private parts of his body, and feels no shame at striking up a conversation with you at this point in time. I think my training partner Stretch has the best cure for this. He calls it ABC!! Absolute Bowel Control, as he puts it, his squat hardned ass doesn't hit procelin until Larry has cleared the locker room. I feel this is sound advice and should be followed at all times.

FRED FITNESSTRAINER- Fred has all the certifications, and has passed all the written requirements, he just seemed to forget the physical ones. Usually can be seen with 2 to 3 others built like him, and can be heard telling them what everyone is doing wrong. This of course is bewteen bites from his Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet he has been training for, for the last 12 years. Need training? Submit application to Stretch or myself, photo's must be included.

JIMMY CHIA-PET- Jimmy can make the most hard core lifters shudder! He seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is straight from the jungles of Bangledash!! Very tight onion-skin running shorts left over from the mid 80's, and nipple showing lifting tee's straight from any hard core BB magazine, and with no socks or shoes, Jimmy is awe inspiring!! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of his troll like body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean shaved, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your gym, see the movie Lord of the Rings, he had several parts in that flick I've been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.

GREG GORILLABOY- Greg works out alone, and is the oppisite of the Benchbunch gang. Greg has very short legs, but his arms drag the gound. Greg can be identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't scrape the carpet. Never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's pants must be special ordered from K-mart.

THE GERBIL- " SHUDDER " I'd rather not go into this, but he's the guy that hides back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. Looks like Hannible Lecter, and talks with a lisp. Never make eye contact with him, act like he's not there. Avoid at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3 foot plot of ground in his back yard!!

SALLY SPREADLEGS- She comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers. Never works out, and can ruin a good workout with one Pall Mall voiced sentence. Has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving by the eight children she has in tow. Avoid at all costs, or your gym carrer is over!

KENNY KNOWSTHEMALL- Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, " Ronnie told me " or the famous, " Flex has said many times " and lest we not forget " King Kamali and I did " These types generally cannot distinguish between fantasy land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot enter any bodybuilding function due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on your physique level, you may wish to avoid, usually gives sound advice to Arnold Roidhead.

MARK MrO- Marks been training for the Mr. O for many years, very much like Stretch and myself. And Mark is the first to let you know he's going this year, of course we did as well, but our tickets had better seats than his did. Harmless, but can be irritating.

PETER POPAZIT- This gym wonder forgot side effects of steroids and has a roadmap atlas of zits accross his back and chest. He gets his name due to the popping noise his zits make when doing heavy bench and bent over rows...For safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working around Peter!

CARLY CAMELTOE- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout protion of her day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....Although Stretch and I enjoy her presence very much I must add!!

HARLOD HOCKEYSTICKS- The upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Upper body is flawlees in every respect, and actually seems to be a nice guy in a way. Wears nice baggies to workout in, decent shoes, good form, what else could you want. When you see him at the beach is when the shock sets in, Harold never works legs, and in the tight swim suit he's wearing his legs look like hockey sticks, or perhaps he's riding a chicken...Stretch and I are undecided at thias point though.

THE HALF-REP GURUGODS- A must for every gym, and not complete without them. Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! I must admit Stretch and I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead(a hardcore habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they precieve it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!

HAL HALITOSIS- AVOID at all costs. Hal's diet consists of shitburgers for every meal, and his breath reeks of their after effects. If you're caught unaware and he starts a conversation with you, Stretch has the best advice. Take deep breath, turn face to the side, and close one eye, as Stretch puts it, " It's better to be blind in one eye than both eyes! " Truly a nightmare.

DEREK DRUNKGUY- Gibbering to himself, covered in filth, eating his own toenail clippings, curling in the squat rack. There's no end to his perversions!

THE SUPERHERO GANG- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!

ANGIE DIMPLEKNEES- The self proclaimed Oreo-Cookie Queen of Bodybuilding. Easily spotted due to the fact you'd have to roll her in flour to find a wet spot. She appears out of hibernation January 2nd, but her life is short lived and returns to hibernation Febuary 3rd for another year. Harmless, but a GREAT cook!!

SPOT PUMPKINHEAD- Rather small High School kid with a head so big, it looks like his neck is trying to blow a bubble. He rushes from member to member giving a spot and advice whether it's needed or not. Very irritating, but Stretch cures this snapper-head with a simple growl....Works wonders!!

Stretch and I have tried to cover all the various characters we have seen in our many travels. I know we can in no way cover them all, but we've tried. Please use caution in your gym should you come in contact with one, or several of these types....

Until next time....Bleed Iron my Iron Brothers!



Ranger

[Ranger]

REVENGE


My training partner Stretch Swanson began lifting weights in the 5th grade. It was there, at the local YMCA we met, and over the years have squandered millions on every supplement, new and old to win the Mr. O.

Now, about Stretch. He's a decent sorta fellow at heart....well in a way I guess. He got his name in high school while pulling a 500 pound deadlift and his shoulder popped out of socket. He never got it fixed so one arm is longer than the other. Stretch compensates for this by leaning to the good arm side of his body, but, he leans his head the opposite way. So you never actually know if Stretch is coming or going.

He and I share the same passion for lifting, and whether we win this years Mr. O or not, that won't change. Through this passion we have had ups and downs, and found ourselves thrown out of more than a few gyms. Mostly due to our homemade protein bars that tend to stop up toilets for 3 to 5 days. I'm now a plumber and getting rich, not off the protein bars, but their fringe benefits...<wink>!

Stretch dropped off plans today to help rid our gym of the people who won't put their weights back, hog machines, stare, and are just plain lacking in the proper gym ettique. I am begining to wonder about Stretch, but at 6'4 and 240 pounds with the demeanor of a Gorilla in heat, not to mention the IQ factor of a sponge. He still insisted I share these golden tid-bits of wisdom.

Please remember that Stretch deserves all credit for this, and any legal ramifactions that may be pending!

The Philosphy of Stretch:

The Hit and Run- Walk by any undesirible group, drop a protein bomb, count to three, then walk away. You can safely watch them cringe at your latest protein shake from a good distance.

Cluster Bombs- Grab 5 of the hard core Iron Brothers at your gym. Have them over for a Beans and Rice pre-workout meal. Add Cheerios for good measure, and finish with a protein shake and eggs. Wait 30 minutes and head to the gym with Iron Brothers in tow. Now you can drop a string of protein bombs in true hit and run fashion and watch the fun from anywhere in the gym.

The Areobic Bomb- Usually the Areobic rooms have fans to cool the Richard Simmons disciples off. Move stealthily up wind of your intended target. Be patient for the right opportunity and let it rip(protein bomb). Now move away to a good observation point. This is enormously effective against cell phone joggers. They talk, talk, talk and are unaware of whats going on until a waif of decaying Myoplex enters their nostrils, I have noticed that trying to talk, gag, and jog is impossible.

The Yeah I Did That- Next time some noodle armed squib steps in front of you so he can watch himself curl those massive 10 pound dumbbells. Drop a protein bomb and set there staring up at them. When they cringe and look down at you, look them in the eye and say, " Yeah, I did that! "

The Dead Body- Wear gym clothes that are 3 workouts past being unbearable on bench day. When the benchbunch is there offer to spot one of them. Now, ensure you give this lucky fellow a lift off, bend down so your crotch is inches from his head. Remain in that position offering encouragement, and ensuring proper form is utilized. The bench should be clear within 2 sets.

Leg Day Clearinghouse- On leg press day, take an old pair of under wear(clean or dirty), take a brown magic marker and make a series of fake skid marks in the crotch. Next, take a pair of shorts that are way to small for you and put them on over the underwear. When Angie Dimpleknees is on the leg press grunting out her 10 pound iron pies, just simply ask if you can warm up. One set for her to see the skid marks hanging out your ass will ensure the leg press machine is all yours. Also effective on leg curls.

The Ventriliquist- When Steve Stickfigure is hogging the dumbells and being a general nusiance. Sit beside him on a flat bench and while he is curling those monster dumbbells, make a string of grunting noises on the positive movement. Everyone in the gym will be watching him while you sit back and laugh.

Dumbbell Magic- On dumbbell day of any body part, and you don't want to be bothered. Get to the gym early, and before cardio hide all the 30, 35, and 40 pound dumbbells and head to the cardio room. Once you come out, it will be like magic. The front desk will be full of members wondering where the dumbbells are. This will cause Little Cousin Bobby to foam at the mouth, and twitch uncontrollably.

The Chernobyl- *CAUTION* *CAUTION* This little tid bit should be used only on extreme cases. Damage control could total well into the 50 member mark. When you are in a cutting phase, and it's an absoulte must that you have the cardio room, use this method. Now, about 2 hours before gym time, have a HUGE bowl of turkey chili with red beans. Stretch's recipe book is forthcoming folks. Wash chili down with large protein shake. Let the contents settle for ten minutes then add 6 hard boiled eggs, and a bowl of Special K for fiber control(if you're one of those). Wait fifteen minutes and jump up and down for three minutes. Now this is where complete body and mind control comes into play. Every time you feel the protein bomb starting, pinch it off, I like to refer to this as the " Recycle Method ". Doing this over and over increases the volumne each time. This must be done at least ten times for maximum effect and range. Head to gym with butt checks squeezed tightly shut, veins popping out on forehead, and tears flowing from eyes. Head straight to the cardio room and deliver. You will notice this one effective bomb can last five to thirty seconds. I like to refer to this as " Hang Time ". My personal best is thirty-eight seconds, start to finish. It cleared out Bally's in just under four minutes. Make note of the many different faces as they trample each other exiting the door. Also great for parties!!!

The Ebola- Very simple, very quick, and very effective. Consume one can of saurkraut, two protein bars, and a mixture of egg whites and red beans. Learn to relax your sphincter muscles for quite distrubition of this bomb. Stretch has gotten so effective at this, he can actually drop them quitely while walking. Once you drop this silent disease, walk away and watch the fun. The sheer density of this bomb will slowly spread like a virus. The aroma alone can linger for up to three hours.

The Red-Neck- Just before you walk into the gym. Take a pack of Oreo cookies, crush them up into fine pieces. Now, take that mixture and rub them throughly all over your teeth. Walk in, smile alot, and enjoy the workout. You will notice the stares as squibs move out of your way, and leave you to a nice peaceful workout. Once completed, hit locker room, brush, then leave. Also alot of fun for anal retentive Dentist when it's time for that yearly cleaning and checkup.

THE UPPER DECK- effective against douchebag gym owners and their Little Cousin Bobby who works behind the desk - only works on toilets with a water tank on top. Close stall door - take of water tank lid - drop you're stinky bomb in the tank - put the lid back on. By the time they realize where the smell is coming from - they have a water tank full of stew on their hands.

THE STINK PLATE - Also effective against douchebag gym owners -in your home - pack a paper plate and saran wrap in your gym back. Go to the gym. In the locker room, hit a stall and crap on the plate. Cover it with saran wrap. No make sure no one sees you, put the plate in a locker and lock it. Flush the key down the toilet. stink plate in da house.

THE YOU THINK ITS THERE STINK BOMB - When you see squidly coming towards the water fountain, beat him there, take your drink, squeeze out a nice protein bomb, then run away. Squidly then steps up to the fountain, and the people in line behind him thinks it's his stink!







Ranger