Tweet
1. Homosexuality is not natural -- you know, much like eyeglasses, polyester, indoor plumbing, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. As we all know, infertile couples and old people shouldn't be able to get legally married because, after all, the world needs more children to increase its population of six billion plus.
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children -- after all, straight parents only raise straight children, right? Right?
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed. I mean, Britney Spears' 55-hour marital romp was so deep and meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all, right? (Oops -- I kinda forgot about "women are property," "blacks can't marry whites," "only husbands can initiate divorce" and "birth control is illegal.")
6. Gay marriage issues should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. (Say, didn't we vote on Brown vs. the Board of Education? Huh? No?)
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion should always be imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America -- the one true religion, you know. (Just ask Jerry Falwell.)
8. Gay marriage will make people gay -- much in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. (Oh, and my preacher told me this.)
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden by law to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms -- after all, we haven't adapted to things like horseless carriages or doubled lifespans or men walking on the moon or anything like that.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools and water fountains for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. As we all know, infertile couples and old people shouldn't be able to get legally married because, after all, the world needs more children to increase its population of six billion plus.
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children -- after all, straight parents only raise straight children, right? Right?
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed. I mean, Britney Spears' 55-hour marital romp was so deep and meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all, right? (Oops -- I kinda forgot about "women are property," "blacks can't marry whites," "only husbands can initiate divorce" and "birth control is illegal.")
6. Gay marriage issues should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. (Say, didn't we vote on Brown vs. the Board of Education? Huh? No?)
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion should always be imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America -- the one true religion, you know. (Just ask Jerry Falwell.)
8. Gay marriage will make people gay -- much in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. (Oh, and my preacher told me this.)
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden by law to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms -- after all, we haven't adapted to things like horseless carriages or doubled lifespans or men walking on the moon or anything like that.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools and water fountains for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
Comment