What's my problem?

[TrippersGirl]

awww thanks Rhino! :) :) :) GT is a sweetheart, he eats all our home made peanut butter cookies for me!! grrr. that's of course so I can watch my girlie figure hehehe. j/t, i'm the piggy in the house....I hope everything works out with you and your g/f.

[Face]

Yeah, good luck Rhino, don't worry too much, these things have a way of sorting themselves out eventually....

Let us know what happens......

[BIKER_GIXXER]

Well bro, this is going to sound harsh, but please don't take it personally, it's only my opinion. STOP BEING SUCH A WUSSIE!!! You sound like a good person and your feelings about the situation sound genuine, but you need to ‘butch up’ and move on. You sound like a little school girl (no offense to the ladies) that just had her heart broken by the popular football jock.

Sounds like you have one hell of a girl now, why are you dwelling on your Ex, because you’re having dreams about her? SO WHAT! You situation with your ex is in the past, leave it there!

I’m not saying it will be easy, but I don’t see you doing much to help yourself.

Good luck bro…

[Face]

I don't think thats very fair. Dreams are not something that one can control in the usual realms of normality. And moreover they have a profound influence on how you feel, not only immediately afterwards but in the long term. If he "butches up" as you so put it, he will simply be brushing the issue under the carpet and leaving it for another day. He is doing the right thing by confronting them and trying to deal with them, the wussie approach is to sweep them under the carpet.

[BIKER_GIXXER]

Originally posted by Face
I don't think thats very fair. Dreams are not something that one can control in the usual realms of normality. And moreover they have a profound influence on how you feel, not only immediately afterwards but in the long term. If he "butches up" as you so put it, he will simply be brushing the issue under the carpet and leaving it for another day. He is doing the right thing by confronting them and trying to deal with them, the wussie approach is to sweep them under the carpet.

I'm not trying to make it sound 'fair', nothing is fair in life. I know he can't control Dreams, who can? What he can control is how the dreams make him feel. He can put his tail between his legs and let his emotions get the best of him, or he can 'butch up' and not let that happen. You control your emotions, not the other way around.

Again, this is my opinion. If he decides to tell me to F off, so be it. I'm just trying to contribute to this thread, so I apologize if I hurt anyone’s 'feelings'.

[trip]

Rhino,

In general you really don't have a problem.

What you're going through is fairly common, lot's of folks expereince it. As you are just now finding out, lot's of problems end up getting worse when we end up trying to hold them in, it is when we finally express them and get some good positive supportive feedback from others that we either find good solutions , or the comforting fact that hey, we are not alone, and all has worked out for others.

Agree with you Face has excpetionally uncommon wisdom at a young age, very inspiring to see.

IMHO, don't think you really have a problem, what you're going through is fairly normal.

Going to make the assumption that you are an A+ guy, with A+ intentions, such so that you are always willing to give 110, and help others, and put others first. ( that seems to be how old relationship was )

In general terms whenever you give like you normally do, things work out great and you feel good. Well, since it did not happen in your marriage, like face said, sub-conciously that is bugging the heck out of you, kind of like the old story the princess and the pea. You are focsuing on one teeny tiny negative, and trying to figure out WHY?

Now, because your smart and logical their is safety in figuring out the WHY, especially as you go forward into the new relationship, don't want to repeat sins from the past.

So, you're trying to figure out this WHY? So, you're mind runs through a zillion scenerios of What IF?

Well, the simple fact that the sub-concious has not yet accepted is there is NO ANSWER to the WHY?

No matter how hard you tried in marriage, your EX had major issues. Kind of like if she had had cancer, in your mind you would not take responsibility or expect to fix it because you know for a fact impossible. Yet, since there were a bunch of great times thrown in with a bunch of horrible times your mind is trying to discern the difference and figure out WHY?

Your ex, without getting into a bunch of stuff, has extremely erratic value system, she's up and down and all over the place like the weather, and you were not, your basic value was too give because that made for good, well in her case that wasn't so.

She's just a person who displays no consistency and because she doesn't life is always erratic and she's all over the place.

Bottom line is you cannot help people who won't help themselves, period, end of story. ( hey, there's a why for you )

You sound like an A+ guy, this is just a chance too learn and grow, we all go through it, and come out better for it.

Just know, in the end you are not alone, many of us have struggled with similar issues, and not only survived, yet, learned and went onto too tremendous happiness.

That's probably where you are headed, right over the next hill.

Hoped This Helped
Good Luck

[Face]

Biker, i am not trying to make your point sound invalid, i am sorry if you feel that way. i am just trying to say that dreams have a lot of control over a person. If you have had a very intense dream, you'll appreciate that its very hard not to take it to heart, sometimes dreams can be a lot more intense than real life experiences because of their discontinued, erratic and short-lived nature. I think forcing yourself to feel a certain way is not resolving the problem, but avoiding the issue altogether; Rhino has already said that he tries to make the dreams have no consequence in his life, but the fact they keep recurring suggests to me the problem lies too deep just to dismiss it, take a big gulp of water and get on with it.

Problems of such a deep nature need to be confronted or avoided. Avoidance is easier than confrontation, but my feeling is if rhino was to suppress these feelings and just try to move on without any further thought to this matter, the dreams would continue or maybe even get worse (its said that your suppressed, bottled up feelings are what comes out in dreams).

[Rhinosaurus]

BIKER_GIXXER, I LMAO at your post. Thanks! Yeah, there were times I thought I was being a big woos. No offense taken. I believe sometimes you need that kick in the pants too.

I have to thank everyone here for all their time and help. You made me realize that I'm not all that nutsy after all. I really appreciate it! It's great that you can open yourself to strangers and get so much help. I hope someday, down the road, I'll be able to repay you guys. Thanks again!

[BIKER_GIXXER]

Originally posted by Face
Biker, i am not trying to make your point sound invalid, i am sorry if you feel that way. i am just trying to say that dreams have a lot of control over a person. If you have had a very intense dream, you'll appreciate that its very hard not to take it to heart, sometimes dreams can be a lot more intense than real life experiences because of their discontinued, erratic and short-lived nature. I think forcing yourself to feel a certain way is not resolving the problem, but avoiding the issue altogether; Rhino has already said that he tries to make the dreams have no consequence in his life, but the fact they keep recurring suggests to me the problem lies too deep just to dismiss it, take a big gulp of water and get on with it.

Problems of such a deep nature need to be confronted or avoided. Avoidance is easier than confrontation, but my feeling is if rhino was to suppress these feelings and just try to move on without any further thought to this matter, the dreams would continue or maybe even get worse (its said that your suppressed, bottled up feelings are what comes out in dreams).

I see your point and understand, no harm done. However, I'm not preaching he avoid it, disregard it or brush it off, I was simply trying to throw some 'tough love' at him, hoping it would force him to look at the situation from a 'different' angle. I think your post, along with the others are great if your trying to give him a 'hug' and say 'it will be o.k.'. I just wanted to give our boy a kick in the ass, see if it would motivate him a bit, LOL.

[BIKER_GIXXER]

Originally posted by Rhinosaurus
BIKER_GIXXER, I LMAO at your post. Thanks! Yeah, there were times I thought I was being a big woos. No offense taken. I believe sometimes you need that kick in the pants too.

I have to thank everyone here for all their time and help. You made me realize that I'm not all that nutsy after all. I really appreciate it! It's great that you can open yourself to strangers and get so much help. I hope someday, down the road, I'll be able to repay you guys. Thanks again!

Great, that's all I wanted to do bro!!! I wanted to give you a kick in the butt and shake you from the 'oh my god, what's wrong with me' train of thought. That's how wussie's think, in my book. There's nothing wrong with you, your the man and she should be so lucky to be in your dreams!! By allowing yourself to feel those emotions, your allowing 'her' to have control of you and who is she to control your feelings? Not on my watch!LOL!

[Face]

LOL :)

[mick-g]

Rino, I went thru the same thing. I am now 45yrs old. But, my first marriage was when i was 21 and my gf was 19. Much too young IMO. But i was determined to get married and I personally don't think that my then gf was ready for it. After, about one yr of marriage she started bitching all the time and sex started to dwindle to like twice a wk, which is good for some, but for a male at 22yr thats shit. I started to think she was having an affair, so i drove to her work at night and her car wasn't there. So i waited in the parking lot and there was a guy bringing the car back? Anyway, to make a long story short i found out she was seeing him, but she would never admit to doing anything. She just started saying that she thought she didn't have the same feelings for me then when we first met and she was falling out of love with me. Well six months later she filed for divorice. What bugged me is that she waited till i wasn't in the apartment and at work to get all her stuff and all i was left with was a note. I was torn apart, because i was very much in love with her. She and I did talk after she left, but all she wanted to do was go out with her friends and party. Anyway, it has only been a very short time for you. I think you maybe on the rebound and have not given yourself enough time to be with alot of different women before settling for one. And I'm sorry Tripper's girl, but most women are not as open as you and i believe most women of that age would not have the maturty to be able to handle him bringing up all this. Rino, this is something thats going to take much longer than 6 months or a year. One thing you have to get straight is that there is nothing wrong with you. Some girls are just sluts and you have to leave it at that. One thing i did that i wish i hadn't is take out my frustration at other women and compare other women to her. Try not to do this if you are, but you definately have some unresolved issues, and they will just take a long time to heal.

[TrippersGirl]

good story mick-g. You've made some good points, and its unfortunate that these things happen to couples. Hell, my dad is 52 and he STILL doesn't get it. My mom cheated on him when they were married and now he uses girls left and right, ugh... Communication is key! Always!

[mick-g]

Yes, TG! I have seen this in men. They will sub-consiously cheat on the women they love, because some woman fucked on them long ago, so they continue this cycle and leave the women they are with crushed and sometimes ruined forever. On the other hand i have also gone out with women that have the same problem, and i think this happens to more of them then men. The women i've met will either try to degrade the man, or not give him a chance to make a difference in their life. To them, all men are the same. I have also know women to compulsively cheat, lie, or find any excuse to make relationship not work. One must alow oneself to really think about our past and try to resolve these issues before moving on, because it will really endup hurting the other person.

[RobertEAustin]

I think Puddles has it right that you may be feeling guilty about having the dreams/nightmares of your ex even though your current girlfriend is nothing like her and your relationship is awesome. Telling your girlfriend will probably help clear your conscience and heart. Honestly, if you have a future with your current girlfriend you should feel completely comfortable talking with her about it. You've done a very good job of describing your feelings to the board and not sounding obsessed with your ex (which you definitely are not) so i don't think your girlfriend will take i the wrong way.

as far as the overall situation, i can totally relate. almost the exact same thing happened to me and it took me a number of years and at least one failed relationship to get back on track. it's hard giving your heart and soul to someone only to have that person take it for granted and disrespect you by cheating. and if you've committed yourself, it's completely understandable that you would want to get back together and try to make it work, even in the face of the obvious. i don't think you made any mistakes necessarily with your ex, you just got screwed. i think what you're going through now is a process of getting stronger and becoming a better person - learning from your past.

even if you were separated, you just divorced in the last year or so . . . so i think your feelings are perfectly natural. you'll get over it. but you don't want it affecting your current relationship negatively, so i would definitely recommend talking this through with your girlfriend. she can probably sense that something is up anyway. and relationships that are built on absolute trust and communication are the ones that last.