Some jokes

[Topher]

-The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster-

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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-Improvements in Hell-

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Gongshow]

haha good jokes

[Luftdude]

:rofl:

LD

[Lexi]

LOL :)

[bad14u]

Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking.

Sadie: "That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner....Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show.....Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!

Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No...No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Luftdude]

Lmfao

LD

[bad14u]

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."

[spidey]

An American, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are lost in the jungle when suddenly, screaming natives surround and capture them. They are trussed up and taken to a small village where the chief addresses them in impeccable English.

"I just wanted to tell you that yes, we are cannibles and we are going to kill and eat all of you. If it makes you feel any better though, no part of your bodies will go to waste. Your meat will feed my people. Your longer, heavier bones will be fashioned into weapons to help protect us; your smaller bones will be toys and baubles for our children and your skin will be stretched over wooden frames to make our canoes.

Now, I understand that as part of your culture your people like to make a last statement so I will allow it." He unties the Englishman first and asks for his last words. The man looks wildly around for escape but seeing none, he pulls a small derringer from his coat pocket and screams "Long Live the Queen" and shoots himself in the head. The Chief looks at his body in puzzlement and then proceeds to untie the Frenchman. The Frenchman also looks around but seeing no escape, he pulls a dagger from his pocket and screams "Viva la France", plunges it in his heart and falls over dead. The chief shakes his head in bemusement and unties the American. The American looks angrily at the chief and pulls out a fork. He jabs himself quickly and repeatedly all over his torso and yells "FUCK your goddamned canoes".

[Topher]

Hers another

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Ancient Translations

A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

"Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."

Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked.

"I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"

[bad14u]

Bobby went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

[bad14u]

Giorgio walks to work every day and passes a shoe store on his way.
Each day he stops and looks in the window, admiring a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about two months, he saves the $300 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together to dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, replies, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is playing. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Bocceli leather shoes!"

[Chi-Town]

LOL..nice