What is the best or worse date you ever had?

[jmac2222]

Originally posted by FX4
HOLY SHIT :rofl: That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life....please tell me you're a :liar: and made that up :rofl:

If I could make stories like that up I wouldnt have to work for a living. No my friend...that is real.

I shit you not. (pun)

[Git R Done]

Originally posted by jmac2222
My worst date...

I was 17 and had just gotten a new car, a convertible. I had scored a date with this girl who I had liked for a little while. Not really much of a plan for the date, just to drive around check out my car. I was hoping she would check under the hood! (cheesy, I know but keep reading).

I grew up working outside during the summers before football kicked in. That tends to dehydrate you by the afternoon. This particular night I was ravenous from working hard all day and I ate a really big plateful of lasagna before the big date. This was a big mistake.

I picked her up and we drove around and talked. Everything was going pretty good. Then suddenly I had to fart so I tried to slide one out, silent and smooth. You know how you can tell by the smell when someone's stomach is fucked? Well you could definitely tell mine was. I was in a convertible so it wasnt that bad, but I knew I had to get home and I was at least fifteen minutes from her house. I started screaming back for her house. She asked me what was wrong and I told her "nothing", I told her that I was just seeing what the new car would do. As I flew down the road I kept farting and even with the top down it was really starting to stink. She could tell because she asked me if I was allright. I said I was fine and just kept driving.

I got back to her house in about ten minutes. With the car stopped the stench was really bad as I now had no control of my bowels whatsoever. It was all I could do to not shit on myself. I knew she could smell it now. She asked me if I was OK, I said "yes", but admitted that my stomach was hurting. She asked if I wanted to come inside. It was her parents house so this was 'come inside and use the bathroom' not 'come inside and fuck me'. I knew that if I stood up I would definitely lose it right on her lawn. This is high school we are talking about here so if you shit on a girl's lawn after a date it's going to get around. Also I didnt want to just run into her house and unleash this death upon her parents bathroom. This stuff could make the paint peal. It was awful smelling. I told her that I would be OK. Just going to head out and see some friends down the street and that she could call me later.

Her parents were very wealthy and lived in a big house in a nice suburb. Well lit. As I cruised off I realized that this was it. I wasnt going to make it home, I wasnt even going to make it to the waffle house. It was coming out, NOW, whether I want it to or not. I got four houses down, pulled over and shit right in the front lawn of somebody's house. It was a blow out too. You would have thought an animal had died right there if you could have smelled it. I also think I saw a picture of it on unsolved mysteries as proof of alien visitors. It was everywhere. Remember that this is a wealthy trendy neighborhood where there are always people out jogging or walking thier dog. I was in a hurry so I quickly took off my shirt, wiped my ass with it and threw it in a trash can by the curb. Jumped in my car and sped away.

It didnt stop there. I stopped and shat in two more yards on the way home. I couldnt stop and use a public facility because I had no shirt. I used my socks to wipe on the last one. I got home and threw away my underwear and left my pants sitting in the yard. I headed for the lawn hose and started to spray myself down. It was late so my Mom got up (this is high school) and checked outside. She noticed that I was walking around outside asshole naked taking a shower. My brother also saw me and came outside to ask me what the fuck I was doing. I told him the whole story because we are close in age and best friends. He went inside and told my Mom that I was just fucking nuts and to leave it at that.

The girl never called me. I think she had an idea of what had happened, but didnt tell anyone else. One of those things were you think you know, but it just sounds too stupid to be real so you dont tell anyone else.



That was nine years ago. That was the worst date ever.

OMG,
I aint laughed that hard in a long time! :rofl:
Thanks for sharing!

[Puddles]

Originally posted by jmac2222
If I could make stories like that up I wouldnt have to work for a living. No my friend...that is real.

I shit you not. (pun)

Terrible date but a great story to have to tell!

Have you ever read the Ryan's Steakhouse story?

[bad14u]

Originally posted by Puddles
Terrible date but a great story to have to tell!

Have you ever read the Ryan's Steakhouse story?

:rofl: I think I have! Is that the one where the guy shits everywhere and cleans it up with a hose in the bathroom?

[bad14u]

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

by Anonymous

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

[Puddles]

Originally posted by bad14u
:rofl: I think I have! Is that the one where the guy shits everywhere and cleans it up with a hose in the bathroom?

Now...THAT'S a bad date!

[jmac2222]

Originally posted by Puddles
Terrible date but a great story to have to tell!

Have you ever read the Ryan's Steakhouse story?

Just googled and read it. Pretty funny. I know exactly what the guy is talking about when he says "the hook method". No doubt that lots of people have similiar stories. Turns out there are entire websites dedicated to poop humor. I am not very interested in reading anyof the stories as I am not really into bathroom humor. You asked what the worst date ever was and I thought I'd share mine.

This could quickly become a "problem with bowels" thread as we all have to shit and sometimes it's just not a good time. I can think of four experiences involving defecation that would probably rank a 10 in the OMG section.

I was happy to share the story and ensure you that the story is true. May/Maynot have changed a detail or two (like the age of occurence) but these details were changed only so that I could keep my confidentiality (perfectly legit forum practice). The intent of these changes (should they have occurred) is not to change or add to the story in one regard or another and therefore immaterial.