Is she a cheat?

[Henrick]

Several years ago my wife started to hang around one of my co-workers wife. That was ok at first until my wife told me one day that the two of them talked about weather either of them ever thought about having sex with a woman, both said they had thought about it but couldn't ever act on it (it was on a talk show is what brought it up) After that I was uncomfortable with my wife stopping by her place every day. I knew alot about this co-workers wife. My wife kept going to her house said it was just friendship, so she would not stop like I asked. Next thing I know this gals husband my co-workers name is on the fridge with our one year old girls magnet alphabit letters. (Just so happens I had just lost my driving license so I couldn't even check things out for my self) I ask my wife what the fuck is this about she said "oh it was just by chance, all the letters are in a mess" so I messed them all up and next time I came home(my job takes me out of town several days sometimes) there his name was back on the fridge so I ask her again and she denied everything.The name soon stopped but she still was going over to their house almost every day (her work took her to this town and she was taking her lunch breaks at their house) Then one night I confronted her about this and she started cring and said she had fallen in love with my co-worker he was so sweet ,he wrote his wife love letters and called her all the time and was so romantic.(he had just stollen his wife from his best friend also a co-worker) my wife kept going to their house so I took her out to the garage and told her if she does not stop seeing this couple we were over.(that is the short quite version) then she goes on and tells me she had a little fling with one of her clients at work only was a week, three visits, flowers and a thank-you hand pat on the leg.Well my wife was going back to school soon and was able to use that as an excuse to stop seeing all of them she swore that nothing happened so I let it slide. Now a couple weeks ago I lost my licenes again and I must have been feeling insecure that I was getting in the same kind of deal as before. so I brought it up again that I was uncomfortable being away from home so much without wheeles. She didn't understand so I compared it to the first time and her story was all different than before witch conserned me. back and forth we went then I told her if I didn't get the truth we were over. Her story had to many holes in it to be true. Then one day she left work early and came to my apartment I have in the town I work and sat me down and told me she had made up the two romances with the guys to make me jealous she wanted me to think she had other men wanting her so I would love her more she was cring and seamed real honest she said she never talked to either of them just made it up and was to imbaraced to tell me she didn't have any one really after her. The co-workers wife was swinging several guys between the two husbands and she thought it would impress her friend by having a (fake boyfriend, her client) on the side also. So it was to take the focuse off the co-workers wife and put on the husband or client then I was like how in the hell is that going to help I still won't want you over at their house. so finally yesterday she told me the story about the guys was all fake she was really just courious if the wife and her would ever explore the bisexual thing and she was useing the guy story to take focuse off her and the wife. and at one point she almost talked her into getting a divorce with me and moving in with her. Nothing ever happened she said they just hung out like friends but she said she might have hoped something would happen. This co-workers wife admitted being bi and was a known whore in this half of the state, so do I belive my wife when she says nothing happened with any one? She just wanted to get my attention and was honestly courious about the bi thing also but is now embarraced she ever thought about it and only wants me and more in love than ever, bla-bla. Her story is bullshit I told her I knew about the bi-courious thing write off the bat and didn't understand why she would bring the other guys into it. she won't talk about any thing long enough to get answers and her story is always different.The most common story is she was mabey hopeing something would happen but was to imbarraced to tell me we moved 2hrs away from there two years ago and I haven't had any suspencion in over four years but I hate to think she wil get the itch again when I'm not around for the year. All sounds like horseshit but we have three kids now and she has a pretty tits job she would not want to mess any of that up. What do you guys think. She says she was stupid and that will never happen again I don't want to take a chance of going threw that shit again. but with the family and jobs it would be tuff to divorce her for no known reason, mabey she was just yong and dumb and now over it ?

[psyko1]

damn i can't believe i read all that. bro divorce ain't easy but she's lying right to your face. i know you think of the kids and all but think of yourself too. living like that is hell, i know i've done it before.

[Face]

Damn man, sounds like a pretty crap deal all round. Your wife sounds like she needs to see a shrink with her compulsive lying problem. If I were you I'd get the hell out of there, how can you spend the rest of your life with someone when there isn't even a basis of trust? You shouldn't need to feel like you have to look over your shoulder every 5 seconds just in case she gets "the itch" to cheat. Screw that man, get someone else or enjoy the single life for a while........

[trip]

Wow, that is a heck of a story, and a incredible life situation to go through. Plus on top of fact, having 3 kids, meaning a family to balance also.

Based on the fact this is your first post, going to guess, that yes, this really really does bother you alot.

which is understandable because TRUST was broken and broken badly.

For a second let's just assume everything she said is true. What she is basically saying is that she has a great need to be desired, and for some reason since she wasn't FEELING that in her life, she made up all of that stuff.

For lack of a better description, this is basically the act of a child not an adult.

So, the thing that has to be determined is the magnitude and seriousness of this in her life.

Basically she told a huge big damn whopper of a lie that hurt people, and hurt them badly, you and even her.

Do people do this stuff and make mistakes like this. Well, the answer is yes, maybe not the same exact circumstances, yet, esesentially the consequences and hurt, is unfortunately fairly common in young adults.

since you two are still together, just going to make another assumption, is that by and large, she is not displaying any type of lying and hasn't in a long time, thus the reason why you are still with you. If it had continued to much stress and strain would have probably severed the marriage by now.

So, then what is essentially going on is your taking one incident that was very painful and replaying that tape in your head at times when things don't feel right with your wife, and projecting that pain of what if into the future. Which basically makes you feel like caropla.

Making a switch here.

You mention you lost liscense twice. Well, obviously don't know the circumstances behind it, yet, just a guess is that the lose could probably been prevented and your kicking yourself in the ass for losing it both times.

Which, if such is the case, makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable with TRUST in yourself, to do some things in life right.

So, since you maybe don't fully trust yourself for whatever reason, you tend to not have a full and complete grasp on what the social signs are in trust in another person.

This is basic counseling stuff 101, that any good counselor should help you over come in a month or two.

Say this because where you won't to be is in a state of peace and comfort in your marriage, so both you and your wife and kids feel such a feeling all the time. That atomosphere bolsters trust.

Your questioning thoughts can at times hamper trust.

Basically saying, what your feeling is a pain in the ass annoyance, that you shouldn't have to deal with.

Since you've been struggling with it for awhile on your own with no resolution, best bet is to get help from an expert.

And no, you're not crazy, and nothing is inherently wrong with you, just need a little help at a crossroads that's all.

Just try and be smart and don't be afraid of seeking help.

Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

PS-Look under my name, says what I do. Have dealt with this stuff lot's of times.

[Puddles]

Sounds like you could both benefit from some councelling. I would suggest going seperately at first and then in a little while after you get some insight into yourselves individually, then going together for a bit.

I had some personal issues years ago and councelling really helped me out. What you learn there stays with you forever. It's worth the money for the peace of mind you get in the long run.

[redMachchick]

If my husband told me 3 different storys and made excuses like that for each one, I'd slap the shit out of him....she's lying to you, something is going on. :mad: I agree with puddles, maybe you guys need to go to counsiling.

[psyko1]

in regards to your posts about counseling, why? why is it nowadays that everything needs some sort of mediator? what would counseling do exactly? talk about what their problems are? obviously, but that can be done in the privacy of their own home, between the two people that are having the problems in the first place. why do we feel that we need to "see" someone who will have you come back week after week to "talk" about what is really bothering you? this goes for all aspects of counseling not just relationships. why are we so afraid to just let go? say goodbye and walk away? the kids? well tell me you may stay together for them but children don't get the credit they deserve. if there are problems in a marriage that is only "in it for the kids" the children will pick up on it. they'll know that mommy and daddy aren't getting along and that they hate each other. henrick, think of yourself and think of your children, do you all need to live like that?

[Face]

Well, if they've tried other means to sort out their problems and its not working, I am sure the marriage is worth the effort of going to a counsellor. If it doesn't work, then so be it, but if it does, then it may improve the situation somewhat. I don't think a counsellor could make the situation worse, so I thinks it worth a shot.........

[redMachchick]

Originally posted by psyko1
in regards to your posts about counseling, why? why is it nowadays that everything needs some sort of mediator? what would counseling do exactly? talk about what their problems are? obviously, but that can be done in the privacy of their own home, between the two people that are having the problems in the first place. why do we feel that we need to "see" someone who will have you come back week after week to "talk" about what is really bothering you? this goes for all aspects of counseling not just relationships.

Because some people can't talk to each other and thats why they need counsiling! To some people, talking to a stranger might be easier (sad, but true). A lot of couples do not express what is REALLY bothering them, to the other. I mean, think about it if they were talking their problems out he wouldn't be writing this shit! It sounds like maybe Henricks wife might have a problem that is psychological and if thats the case then seeing a professional is a good thing.

[Henrick]

Thats kinda what started all this shit this last time. I told her I was just have'n a weird feeling about going away that long didn't know why, we have gotten along pretty good for the last four years, just would like to talk to ease any conserns and mabey work out a plan of when & how we would get together.(she has weekends/holidays off. I don't any set time off, I can have off any time I want, just not all weekends?hollidays) and beings she would be the one driving, we can't justify 4hr round trip w/three kids, one in school, for an afternoon, verry often anyhow. Anyway she told me yesterday she had plans to meet with her hometown church/counsllor to talk, witch is good, she took the first step, but I'm afraid she will not be able to tell her pastors wife, of 20+ years,(that her folks still goto every sunday and are real respected) that she had a (strange for small town) curious kick that almost ended her marriage, because the counsllors husband was the one who married us at that church. I'm shure my wife would tell her all of my problems but I am wondering if that would do any good besides give my wife a little pat on the back. Thats why I told my wife that if she won't talk to me and try to work ourselves threw, that we should go to a neutral/more professional counsllor that both of us could confortable talk to. My wife says she is embarraced as hell of ever thinking about what she did and the thought of any thing like that since then has never crossed her mind. If that is true, then I hate to dwell on something of the past but I obviously was not giving her something she needed at that time. (don't know if I could even today?) so that needs to be figured out. What is bothering me the most, I guess, is what she did back then was so unlike her she was a straight A student, church every Sunday sometimes during the week, went to a nationally known college did great. I was the first guy she had ever been with sexually. She took pride in that. I respected that. Then to go off on a weird streak like that really threw me. Hell I'll get as freaky with her as she can handle, so I don't belive I'm lacking there:) I don't know yesterday she said she couldn't be more happy, beautiful house, kids,job and even said she couldn't ask for a better husband. Witch make me wonder if that's because I'm silly enough to fall for whatever bullshit she blows up my ass or has she grown up since then? I really don't know what to think. We never have spent a hole lot of time together. She was in school out of state when we dated on the weekends, then I got a good job two and a half hours north of her home town, where I was living at the time, she was going to graduate the same time I would be moving and I did not want her to feel she needed to move with me and mabey limmit her job choices to the town town I was working out of. I wasn't ready to marry yet, no reason just not mature enough. so I told her I felt we should break up untill got established. My job has a really high divorce rate anyway, didn't want to chance screwing up two lives till I was retty to settle setteled down. Before I got moved she came over two my place and got pregnant.(I'll tell why I know that later) I had told her earlier in our dating that my dad told me "If I ever got a woman pregnant he wanted me to marry her,didn't want grandkids running all over the state." I think that is how my mom got him! Well she took me up on that, so we got married, she moved up with me and the first year or so we had typical newlywed problems, plus I was a little bitter that she made a choice for that child and I without talking to me about it, but I guess I felt she must want to be with me to do something that severe, just bad timeing, she is a good woman and I'm shure I would have looked her up as soon as I got settled. I guess in that first year or so there was some heated arguments that had some yelling and name calling, some blunt statements that weren't polite I really didn't think it was any more than any couple but she says that she didn't think I loved her and that I wanted a divorce and she was just out seeing what her options were when she went out on this runnabout. That is one of her lateset excuses anyway. Thank's for your advice, all of it has been helpfull. Helps a guy see more sides than he might, gust looking down his own tunnel.

[trip]

You keep on trying to solve a problem that really has no solution.

You won't a 100% guarantee why this happened, and that it will never happen again.

Well, this is not going to happen. No one can predict the future.

First off, this problem she had, most likely had zero to do with you and what you were lacking or giving her in the relationship.

What she did was just plain ass weird, okay, . And guess what we all do it at one time or another. That's life, most get over it and move on.

She's told you a 100 times now, it's over, she's happy, she's content, she's embarassed about the whole thing wants to leave it in the past.

Well, guess what, you keep on presurring her for answers, she probably get's frustrated at you, and finally says something.

since it is not what you want to hear, it makes things worse. Worse for you and the relationship.

Right now there, doesn't seem to be any problems, accept you can't let go of the past from four years ago, even though there have been no incidents. This is understandable because it's your life, it's scary, it's your love and family.

Yet, it's only harming not helping relationship.

Some time or another to move on trust has to be re-established, it sounds like she is doing those things, yet, you are not giving her credit, or using those things to build up the trust, you're still stuck on that once incident.

Even with the counseling issue. Any counseling is better than none. Yet, rather than support her, and give her credit for trying, and encourage her. You've come up with ten reasons why this won't work. that is so so harmful.

She's doing something right, and you are making her feel wrong about, based on NO factual information cause she hasn't even been to counseling long enough to see if that particular counselor can help her.

A good counselor creates an environment of total trust so a person can express their feelings. That takes time, not a week.

Again, I'd say, go see a counselor on your own. On this thread we are getting 1% of important information.

A good counselor can help you sort out this thing that has been bothering you for the last four years.

Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

[Megiddo]

Not trying to sound like an insensitive prick but here goes:

Divorce that ass. Stop losing you liscenes. It will be hard but it must be done.

In my experieinces a woman makes a dude feel guilty about not showing her affection or a past fuck up to cover for her stuff that is going on. Some women can be manipulative and she sounds like one. Oh and another thing, she has probably snacked on her friend's box too.

Sorry to sound harsh

[Henrick]

TRIP, You have been a lot of help. My main consern is, still to this day she will not tell me the truth on what happened. Yeah, I need to get over it cuz she says she is. But that is not helping me trust her. If she is over it and sorry, why won't she just own up and use that as an example of why I can belive/trust her in future ordeals. If she still lies and sneaks, about a scewup four years ago I wonder if she can be trusted next time something comes up. As far as giving her credit for going to a councellor by her self, true I should if I thought for a second she would be honest with the counsellor. She would have a lot of preasure to tell some one that close to her family that she wanted to be or mabey still does want to screw around with anouther woman while she was still married and hasn't even had time to get our newly born son babtised at that church yet. If she wanted to go to a counsellor by her self that would be great, would love for her to work out some of the shit she has going on, but not the preachers wife? Realigon is a big thing in her family and I am most confident she would not reveal some of the shit she has pulled. First off she is a conplusive liar second she is a pitty freak, she loves nothing more than for someone to feel sorry for her. She has proven that, has even admitted to that.I know it was in the past. I should move on but I just needed to go over that with her and she still won't be honest, witch does consern me about our future. All I ask of her was to come clean so I would be convinced that she was she was ready to work on the rest of our relationship. When I was a kid I was required to own up for my fuck up, and that is how I still work today. We have all fucked up, so own up and move on. She thinks I should just move on like nothing ever happened, and that just doesn't sit right. Years from now when she is running around with the wife of JR'S football coach, am I just suppose to assume she new what she did was wrong at the first of our marrige and that she got away with once so why not try again. Something as simple as just talking about something that was bothering me shouldn't be this big of a deal. I even told her that whole "fall'n in love with my co-worker thing" I didn't want the details. If nothing happened and you just had a crush on a man that was saying and doing shit to get in the panties of his buddies wife then I could see how she would see him as sweat and romantic. (shit we have all been sweat and romantic to get into a chicks panties) So it is not like I am tring to make her unconfortable or imbarrace her, just asked w.t.f went on so mabey I can foresee it comming if it happens again. I guess I am going to feel prety stupid if I go threw this again and I can't get any real reason why it wouldn't. I spend alot of time away from home with nothing to do but think and shure that can cause problems but it could also help prevent future problems. Again TRIP thank for your help and the rest of you ,Thanks I'm shure I'll regret not listening to ya if something like that happens again!

[trip]

Henrick,

Above is some of reasons why you should see a counselor.

It is so hard to determine, what is, or what isn't important.

New inforamtion in above post:

1. She's a compulsive liar. Well, is she or isn't she?

2. She's into pitying herself.

Okay, these are two big dynamics that play into trust big time.

Like said, doubt much of this have to do with you. You seem fairly smart, action oriented, and have a desire to do the right thing.

If she's doing above, and you have a little issue of your own with trust, it is just a bad combo, because you never have any issue that get's resolved and is consistent enough to create confidence in the relationship.

Lot's and lot's of issue's are very erratic, not just the one's you mentioned. Thus, when you have time to think, you basically are thinking way to much about the wrong stuff, this is a very bad and caustic habit sometimes.

Like you believe you wife will not be honest in the session. Well, guess what, you really don't know, and never will because you're not their, so no matter how much you think about the what if's, you just will never know. Just with like what happened.

She told you what happened, she said nothing happened, said it was a whirlwind of lies and bs, and she's sorry.

Details, won't help, they will just give you more shit to think about.

Again, the more you think the more you're tendency is to project shit into the future. You're thinking about how she will be with your kids coach in the future. Thinking about that, only cause's you pain, not her, she's not thinking about it. Who knows if it will or will not happen.

Just bad thinking habits.

She probably won't tell you the truth because, you will pick wholes in her answers, make her feel like more shit than she already does, and throw it back in her face over and over lot's of time.

You're thinking along the lines, well, if I had information, I could stop it from happening again. Well, that's not good thinking.

You're not with her 24-7 . You're afraid this shit is happening when you're not around and it is driving you crazy .

You're so focused on it, that when you see anything remotely close that it might be happening again, you project it out into the worst case scenerio, and then internally you get stressed out and prepare yourself emotionally for the worst.

You live under this stress for ahwile, then finally feel you need to do something. Which usually is telling her what to do, which pisse's her off cause in her mind she hasn't done anything wrong.

And then you get caught in a vicous circle.

In life there are Great Strengths's and Weakness's in with everything.

Just by the way you communicate, and what you say, and the fact that you are open, tell's me tons and tons of stuff.

You're very smart, have a super fast brain, and you are a very good problem solver. All of this stuff says you have an A+++ Logical brain, far far better than the norm.

Folsk with these great strengths often miss Social and Emotional Signals cause lot's of them are not in the least bit Logical.

Basically every problem you see you try and solve Logically. When guess what about 75% of the people of earth operate emotionally.

So, although you have great skill and success with the logical, in relationships, it's the emotional stuff.

You need to minimize the lack of emotional context in your problem solving stuff.

Even with your wife you're looking at all of this logically, when it's a good bet you're wife, especially with the pity stuff, operates emotionally.

A good counselor can help you with this stuff fairly quickly and simply.

It's not easy, yet, it's fairly common.

[bonebreaker]

One thing that sounds like a major problem with you is that you want to know the truth. The truth about whether or not she did some of the things you obviously run through your mind constantly and they're making you nuts. I can tell you without hestiation--you will never know the entire truth, people just do not tell all--they always leave something out. BB