Wanting Your Thoughts on this.....

[Puddles]

Re: Wanting Your Thoughts on this.....

Originally posted by bad14u
What are your thoughts?

I don't think you two are ready for marriage right now but I think your girl is in need of security from you that you will get married. Would setting a date (say in 2 yrs.) and getting engaged now be a problem for either of you? That could give you time to really decide as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life with her but at the same time it would give her some sense of security of a real commitment to her and the baby.

You have some issues to work out and her waking you early on the weekends is one of them. She's got to understand your needs are as important as hers. Can you two compromise and you sleep in every other weekend but get up early on the other weekends?

[Primal Instinct]

This is just my opinion but anytime someone's in a rush to get married when they are already living with that person and have plans in the works to progress together (living together, building a house, etc.) is a rush to failure. You have not only your own welfare to consider but also that of your son's. A divorce somewhere down the line could mean jeopardizing your home, possessions and income which will impact his well being as much as yours.


The Dogs vs Cats arguement could be a microcosm of a larger, more impending issue. Here is a question to consider:

Is she the mother of your son? If not, does she want to have her own children? In your heart, do you feel that she would treat your son any differently than her own biological child? The dog vs cats thing really does illustrate more than you might think. It's just on a lower level of your radar screen right now.


The fact that she wakes you up early on the weekends knowing that you have a hard time with it and probably require the rest from working two jobs (and having a house built) also brings the child issue into the light a bit, at least to me. She doesn't just wake you up but she wakes you up with your son at hand. Is this more an attempt to get you to take over responsibility of him so that she has the ability to do other things? It sounds like this is indicative of what amounts to a "handoff" so that she doesn't have to watch him. I could be totally off base here because I don't know her and only have your depiction to go by. The thing is, your son is a major part of your life and who you are. If she is not willing to treat him as hers, then she is not right for you and Chase. Like it or not, she has signed up for a package deal and if she's not willing to share the responsibilty or somehow resents that aspect of your relationship, it's time to reconsider it before you lock yourselves in a legally binding committment such as marriage.


What is the difference if you get married now or in two years when things settle down a bit if you are in love and living as a family right now? I understand the comment by Puddles with regard to security. One thing to keep in mind is that even if married, there are no guarantees of security. There can be infidelity or divorce if a couple becomes unhappy. You just have to trust in that you are committed to each other. That is what marriage should be based upon anyhow- that and the willingness to compromise. I guess that you need to determine if the actions are motivated by insecurity or the "biological clock" or if they are underlying a more complex set of issues. Maybe it's just a tloerance issue that you both must overcome. I don't know but don't get married until you can confidently answer these types of questions. I see a heart to heart talk with your girl in your near future.

[bad14u]

Re: Re: Wanting Your Thoughts on this.....

Originally posted by Puddles
I don't think you two are ready for marriage right now but I think your girl is in need of security from you that you will get married. Would setting a date (say in 2 yrs.) and getting engaged now be a problem for either of you? That could give you time to really decide as to weather you want to spend the rest of your life with her but at the same time it would give her some sense of security of a real commitment to her and the baby.

You have some issues to work out and her waking you early on the weekends is one of them. She's got to understand your needs are as important as hers. Can you two compromise and you sleep in every other weekend but get up early on the other weekends?

:agree: We talked last night and have decided that we would get the ring this weekend. 1kt Leo Diamond is what she wants so we will look to see who has what out there.

As for the sleeping in thing we talked about it too and said that we would take turns sleeping in and taking care of Chase. I will do it on Saturday and she will do it on Sunday....not that she can sleep anyway!

[bad14u]

Originally posted by Primal Instinct
She doesn't just wake you up but she wakes you up with your son at hand. Is this more an attempt to get you to take over responsibility of him so that she has the ability to do other things? It sounds like this is indicative of what amounts to a "handoff" so that she doesn't have to watch him


I see a heart to heart talk with your girl in your near future.

She is Chase's mother. I believe she brings him in with her for the simple fact that I can't be ugly to her with him in her arms....he is just too damn cute in the mornings with his bedhead and his bear in his arms.

Part of the heart to heart talk happened last night!

Thanks!

[bad14u]

Well...we have the ring but I haven't given it to her yet! This is driving her nuts!:P She wants to put it on so bad!!! I keep telling her everytime she mentions it that it will push back the engagement even further!

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice!

[dreamgirl]

WOW.... ok, well, Im in a family that everyone gets married and stays married. Guess I am lucky. I've been married now for 7.5 years... I also got married at 21 years old.

You either want to marry her or you don't. There isn't gray area and if there is, I would say she's probably not the one for you.

Time means nothing if you want to spend it all with her... to me you are completely "acting" like a married couple (ex- having a baby together, living together, & building a house together) so why not just get married? What is holding you back? You're doing everything humanly possible to pretend to be married, you just won't go get the peiece of paper that says you are.

That is one thing I never understand about people... my sister-in-law did the same thing with every guy. ... she must have lived with 5-6 guys and then pressured them to marry her and then all of them left her in the long run... this last guy though, he did marry her and they are still married now it's been 2 years.


I say get married, you have a kid together and you're living with her.

Sorry I am being so harsh, but I am totally against living with people unless you're married... not for religious reasons, just because I don't see why you would live with someone and not be married... I don't understand it that's all. To me the hardest part of being married IS living together and getting along on a daily basis. Sorry again for being so harsh... I do mean that.

[bad14u]

DG....I just have a time line that I am going buy, financially! A wedding would just take away from the funds that we have for the house. I will marry her, when we have the time and money.

[dreamgirl]

Originally posted by bad14u
DG....I just have a time line that I am going buy, financially! A wedding would just take away from the funds that we have for the house. I will marry her, when we have the time and money.

ok, ok, I never think about the money, cause my parents did foot the entire bill of our wedding. My wedding would have been at the courthouse if I had to pay, at 21, I was right out of college with a entry level paying job. lol!

I guess you would have to save up for something like that... I can't imagine saving up that kind of money, I can't even save like $50!

If I were you all, in your exact situation, I'd probably have a very small elegant wedding... on a Friday. Inviting only 50 guests at the most. Still having the flowers and the designer wedding gown, but doing it at such a small scale that it's still affordable.

[imonboardtoo]

Bad, I'm glad I read this. I asked you in another thread how old your kid was now, and it's all in here.

Sorry it's not all smooth, but few things in life are. My wife and I each have three siblings and we're theonly ones who've stayed married, so I can relate to that. But, just keep talking things through and it will work itslef out. Sounds like you're a careful planner, and that's just as important as her security issues for the relationship. In other words, you're both right, adn you just need to keep communicating what ou need.

Good luck...and Go Gators! (sorry)

[trip]

Glad the talking worked out.

Curious as to what are all the great things about her you love?

[Primal Instinct]

Good luck, I hope that it all works out for you three! I hope that she appreciates that you proceed on things with responsibility and careful planning .

[bad14u]

Originally posted by dreamgirl
ok, ok, I never think about the money, cause my parents did foot the entire bill of our wedding. My wedding would have been at the courthouse if I had to pay, at 21, I was right out of college with a entry level paying job. lol!

:agree: Her dad said he would contribute $5,000, which wouldn't really do to much but cover the food and maybe the bar...I have no idea. Her mother has said that when she gets out of her situation and wins her settlement she would pay for everything, but you know how that is....just a lot of BS to me. Steph has said that she doesn't want anything to big, maybe 100 people at the most.....SHIT, a hundred people would just be my friends and family! Anyway...I told her we can build a smaller house and have a nice wedding....which I was completely lying about and I knew she wouldn't go for that because she wants another child too.

So....she WILL HAVE the ring she wanted when I give it to her and she will have the house she wanted, but for now she will have to wait for a wedding.;)

[bad14u]

Originally posted by imonboardtoo
Bad, I'm glad I read this. I asked you in another thread how old your kid was now, and it's all in here.

Sorry it's not all smooth, but few things in life are. My wife and I each have three siblings and we're theonly ones who've stayed married, so I can relate to that. But, just keep talking things through and it will work itslef out. Sounds like you're a careful planner, and that's just as important as her security issues for the relationship. In other words, you're both right, adn you just need to keep communicating what ou need.

Good luck...and Go Gators! (sorry)

Thanks....things seem to be smoothing out now as long as we keep talking!

And as for the Gator remark....:nutkick:

[dreamgirl]

good luck with this bad14u! Let me tell you, weddings make everyone crazy so watch out. Everyone fights for control over things and people just aren't their normal selves.

BTW, my sister just got married last year - they had about 160 guests and served prime rib and the food cost at the end of the night was almost $15,000. This was also at a country club.

If I were you, get married on a Friday, this also cuts people from attending, because they have to take off work & kids out of school. And keep it to immediate family members only and if either of your parents want to invite more people, then they have to pay for their extra guests dinners... then there's no hard feelings. Explain to them that you want to keep costs down and this is how you're gonna do it. Good luck!

[GreekTank]

Originally posted by dreamgirl
good luck with this bad14u! Let me tell you, weddings make everyone crazy so watch out. Everyone fights for control over things and people just aren't their normal selves.

BTW, my sister just got married last year - they had about 160 guests and served prime rib and the food cost at the end of the night was almost $15,000. This was also at a country club.

If I were you, get married on a Friday, this also cuts people from attending, because they have to take off work & kids out of school. And keep it to immediate family members only and if either of your parents want to invite more people, then they have to pay for their extra guests dinners... then there's no hard feelings. Explain to them that you want to keep costs down and this is how you're gonna do it. Good luck!

Prime Rib is pretty standard as far as european wedding's go, Italians and Greeks spend fortunes on their children's wedding's. Cheapest I heard was $30,000 by 300 guests maximum