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When 40,000 people gather at one central place there is bound to be some serious people watching. Throw in the presence of 24 oz. draft beers and you’ve got yourself a full blown spectacle.
Even if 90% of the people are what we might call “normal”, that still leaves us cynics with 4,000 strong at which to poke fun.
During baseball season, this people-watching extravaganza takes place 81 times in a six month span. The beauty of taking in a ballgame at the stadium is that, when it comes to the crowd, it’s almost like a trip to the zoo, where you go in knowing exactly what you are going to see.
These are staples of the baseball watching public that make their presence felt at nearly every Major League game, regardless of what stadium your team calls home.
Adult male who brings his glove to the game
Nothing beats heading down to the stadium for a game, getting a frosty beer, grabbing your seat and whipping out your Goose Gossage Special Edition Rawlings. If one of those steroid-happy sluggers rips a 724 foot homerun ball directly into your section, the average fan might be caught off guard. This guy won’t be.
Apparently for some gentlemen, the lure of getting a hold of that elusive game-used ball is too much for them to leave their 25 year-old, dust-covered mitt in the storage bin. Forget that the chances of catching a ball are in the neighborhood of 1 in 10,000, if he happens to be the lucky fan who grabs one there is no limit to the things he can do with it…well, in reality, he can’t do anything with it. Congratulations.
Shirtless Guy
Temperature doesn’t have anything to do with attire for this meathead. Hot, cold, rainy? Doesn’t matter. All he knows is that the stadium is a public environment where taking your shirt off is allowed - and that’s the only reason he needs.
No doubt his trendy T-shirt will be hanging out in his back pocket for all nine innings so that he can get a little sun on his freshly waxed chest and as a bonus, he’ll give the females in attendance a little something extra to look at. They probably all want him anyway.
A close relative to the meatheaded shirtless guy is the fat, slovenly shirtless guy. The removal of his clothing is not for aesthetic reasons, it’s because even doing something as simple as raising his hand to signal for the peanut vendor, causes him to break into crippling sweat. Appearance be damned, this guy just needs some relief. It’s a tough life when your chest and belly are constantly being strangled by that XXL Red Sox Polo that was bought in 1987.
Guy who puts his own name on his jersey
This superfan’s connections at the local screen printing shop have allowed him to fulfill a life long dream of officially becoming part of the franchise.
Rather than take the name and number of an actual baseball player, his goal is to boost his own personal pride and simultaneously confuse the people sitting behind him, who cannot for the life of them figure out when the Sox had a guy named “Jimmy Legs” on the roster.
And because he’s not handcuffed by the numbers on the Major League roster, he’s in the enviable position of being able to adorn the jersey with #69 to make certain that ladies know what Mr. Legs is all about.
Sign Guy
For most people, buying tickets to the game and enjoying the drama of professional athletics is enough. For this fella, there is something more to the baseball experience. It isn’t about watching your team squeak out an intense victory, or standing and applauding after a homerun. It isn’t even about enjoying the atmosphere with a cold beverage and the company of 40,000 of your closest friends.
For Sign Guy, it’s about getting on TV.
Even if it’s just for a second and even if the inevitable result is a blossoming animosity between him and the 200 people whose view he’s blocking, it’s well worth it. Once that TV camera focuses in on his sign, he knows that all the people watching on the local broadcast were just offered a brief glimpse of his genius.
Let’s face it, not everyone can create a hand painted sign that reads “Sportscenter is Next”; and only a select few can do it in a color and font that attracts the attention of even the most unflappable camera men.
And if you think bringing one clever sign into the game is hard, try coming up with 22.
Make no mistake about it; Sign Guy knows that he’s the main attraction.
Drunken College Monkey
There are bad seats in a stadium and there are really bad seats. The former have you seated in the right field foul line seats or in the bleachers in front of the Dunkin Donuts sign. The latter have you in the same seats only on this afternoon, you are a mere 10 feet away from an elite team of Drunken College Monkeys.
Secondary to the game being played on the field for these guys is the challenge of identifying a beer vendor who will overlook the ‘1986’ that is prominently displayed on their ID’s. Once said vendor has been targeted, it becomes a competition to see who can drink the most while remaining at an acceptable level of obnoxiousness.
You want them to respectfully watch the game like everyone else? Not today. Not while the Bud Light is flowing like the Mississippi. Today is the day that they set a course that ensures that they will not remember anything beyond the 6th inning; today is the day they pledge to annoy everyone within ear shot of their drunken voices.
Today is the day that you, the casual observer, have the really bad seats.
Cell phone guy
It is too much to ask for Sprint, Verizon and Cingular to immediately declare the first five rows behind home plate in each Major League ball park a “No Service Zone,”? If they could make it happen, it might be the biggest public relations coup in history. Millions of appreciative fans across the nation would be spared from watching the nuisance that is Cell Phone Guy talking to his friends, waving to the camera and generally ruining the viewing experience for the rest of the audience.
Yes, we see you. Please know that, with the possible exception of the people on the other end of your phone call, everyone watching pretty much hates you; now put your phone back in its custom belt holster.
Old Man who puts his hands on the wall while he pees
For most men, a trip to the urinals is like being part of an assembly line. You step up when it’s your turn, accomplish what you need to accomplish and move on so the next person can do the same. All business.
The ballpark bathroom can be a little different. In addition to those normal visitors, it is also the natural habitat for an older generation of urinal users; a generation that believes that placing ones hands on the wall over the toilet is the only acceptable way to use the facilities. One is only left to speculate as to the motives behind this odd ritual.
Is it because he is afraid he might drift into the urinal next to him without the added support of two hands planted on the concrete wall? Is it necessitated by the intense sense of relief that comes after waiting six innings and three rounds before taking the required bathroom break? Does he notice that the beer he’s set on top of the urinal is now being invaded by the condensation that is dripping from the flusher?
Whatever the reason, the hands on the wall is only one of the various stances that a bystander will witness while waiting in line at the urinals. There’s also the “hands on hips” method, “hands behind the head”, the “arm on wall with head resting on arm” method which is a late inning favorite of the Drunken College Monkeys and the “pants around the ankles” routine, which is as rare and as shocking as a no-hitter.
Overzealous usher
When a game is so important that seats no longer matter and the stadium has reached its saturation point, the overzealous usher springs into action. On these days, those people who were not fortunate enough to obtain a seat, pose a threat to the well oiled machine that he knows as Section 20.
For some reason, these hoodlum fans feel as if they have the right to blatantly stand three inches outside of the “standing room only” section, something the he sees as flagrantly breaking the law…his law. And when it comes to a sold out game, that’s the only law that matters.
If you choose to challenge the authority granted to him by the all powerful head usher , then you will be met with a brutal, yet just, reprimand.
In the mind of the overzealous usher, he stands side by side with the police force and the firefighters of the city, as one of the citizens who carry with them a great responsibility into their professions. Without him, “standing room only” would be a synonym for “public riot”.
Guy who is desperate to start The Wave
Let’s face it, there’s just nothing out there that is more entertaining than doing the 25 year-old audience participation routine known as “The Wave.”
Most fans probably remain ignorant as to how this phenomenon goes from conception to implementation, instead they are simply satisfied to stand for a second and then enjoy the brilliant visual spectacle it creates. Contrary to what you might believe, the wave does not start by itself.
At the beginning of every great wave, there is the person or collection of people who have gone beyond the call of duty and made the leap from normal fan into the realm of cheerleader. Regardless of the play on the field, this guy will not be satisfied until everyone in his section is unified in their pursuit of the perfect wave. If it’s necessary, he’ll run from one section to the next, like a conductor instructing his symphony.
Because, when it comes right down to it, what fun is a baseball game without the wave?
Next time you venture into the stadium do yourself a favor and take a second to look at the crowd around you. If you get lucky you might see a drunken college monkey with his shirt off, glove on, talking on his cell phone and arguing with the overzealous usher because he’s trying to start the wave.
Screw the game, that right there is worth the price of admission.
When 40,000 people gather at one central place there is bound to be some serious people watching. Throw in the presence of 24 oz. draft beers and you’ve got yourself a full blown spectacle.
Even if 90% of the people are what we might call “normal”, that still leaves us cynics with 4,000 strong at which to poke fun.
During baseball season, this people-watching extravaganza takes place 81 times in a six month span. The beauty of taking in a ballgame at the stadium is that, when it comes to the crowd, it’s almost like a trip to the zoo, where you go in knowing exactly what you are going to see.
These are staples of the baseball watching public that make their presence felt at nearly every Major League game, regardless of what stadium your team calls home.
Adult male who brings his glove to the game
Nothing beats heading down to the stadium for a game, getting a frosty beer, grabbing your seat and whipping out your Goose Gossage Special Edition Rawlings. If one of those steroid-happy sluggers rips a 724 foot homerun ball directly into your section, the average fan might be caught off guard. This guy won’t be.
Apparently for some gentlemen, the lure of getting a hold of that elusive game-used ball is too much for them to leave their 25 year-old, dust-covered mitt in the storage bin. Forget that the chances of catching a ball are in the neighborhood of 1 in 10,000, if he happens to be the lucky fan who grabs one there is no limit to the things he can do with it…well, in reality, he can’t do anything with it. Congratulations.
Shirtless Guy
Temperature doesn’t have anything to do with attire for this meathead. Hot, cold, rainy? Doesn’t matter. All he knows is that the stadium is a public environment where taking your shirt off is allowed - and that’s the only reason he needs.
No doubt his trendy T-shirt will be hanging out in his back pocket for all nine innings so that he can get a little sun on his freshly waxed chest and as a bonus, he’ll give the females in attendance a little something extra to look at. They probably all want him anyway.
A close relative to the meatheaded shirtless guy is the fat, slovenly shirtless guy. The removal of his clothing is not for aesthetic reasons, it’s because even doing something as simple as raising his hand to signal for the peanut vendor, causes him to break into crippling sweat. Appearance be damned, this guy just needs some relief. It’s a tough life when your chest and belly are constantly being strangled by that XXL Red Sox Polo that was bought in 1987.
Guy who puts his own name on his jersey
This superfan’s connections at the local screen printing shop have allowed him to fulfill a life long dream of officially becoming part of the franchise.
Rather than take the name and number of an actual baseball player, his goal is to boost his own personal pride and simultaneously confuse the people sitting behind him, who cannot for the life of them figure out when the Sox had a guy named “Jimmy Legs” on the roster.
And because he’s not handcuffed by the numbers on the Major League roster, he’s in the enviable position of being able to adorn the jersey with #69 to make certain that ladies know what Mr. Legs is all about.
Sign Guy
For most people, buying tickets to the game and enjoying the drama of professional athletics is enough. For this fella, there is something more to the baseball experience. It isn’t about watching your team squeak out an intense victory, or standing and applauding after a homerun. It isn’t even about enjoying the atmosphere with a cold beverage and the company of 40,000 of your closest friends.
For Sign Guy, it’s about getting on TV.
Even if it’s just for a second and even if the inevitable result is a blossoming animosity between him and the 200 people whose view he’s blocking, it’s well worth it. Once that TV camera focuses in on his sign, he knows that all the people watching on the local broadcast were just offered a brief glimpse of his genius.
Let’s face it, not everyone can create a hand painted sign that reads “Sportscenter is Next”; and only a select few can do it in a color and font that attracts the attention of even the most unflappable camera men.
And if you think bringing one clever sign into the game is hard, try coming up with 22.
Make no mistake about it; Sign Guy knows that he’s the main attraction.
Drunken College Monkey
There are bad seats in a stadium and there are really bad seats. The former have you seated in the right field foul line seats or in the bleachers in front of the Dunkin Donuts sign. The latter have you in the same seats only on this afternoon, you are a mere 10 feet away from an elite team of Drunken College Monkeys.
Secondary to the game being played on the field for these guys is the challenge of identifying a beer vendor who will overlook the ‘1986’ that is prominently displayed on their ID’s. Once said vendor has been targeted, it becomes a competition to see who can drink the most while remaining at an acceptable level of obnoxiousness.
You want them to respectfully watch the game like everyone else? Not today. Not while the Bud Light is flowing like the Mississippi. Today is the day that they set a course that ensures that they will not remember anything beyond the 6th inning; today is the day they pledge to annoy everyone within ear shot of their drunken voices.
Today is the day that you, the casual observer, have the really bad seats.
Cell phone guy
It is too much to ask for Sprint, Verizon and Cingular to immediately declare the first five rows behind home plate in each Major League ball park a “No Service Zone,”? If they could make it happen, it might be the biggest public relations coup in history. Millions of appreciative fans across the nation would be spared from watching the nuisance that is Cell Phone Guy talking to his friends, waving to the camera and generally ruining the viewing experience for the rest of the audience.
Yes, we see you. Please know that, with the possible exception of the people on the other end of your phone call, everyone watching pretty much hates you; now put your phone back in its custom belt holster.
Old Man who puts his hands on the wall while he pees
For most men, a trip to the urinals is like being part of an assembly line. You step up when it’s your turn, accomplish what you need to accomplish and move on so the next person can do the same. All business.
The ballpark bathroom can be a little different. In addition to those normal visitors, it is also the natural habitat for an older generation of urinal users; a generation that believes that placing ones hands on the wall over the toilet is the only acceptable way to use the facilities. One is only left to speculate as to the motives behind this odd ritual.
Is it because he is afraid he might drift into the urinal next to him without the added support of two hands planted on the concrete wall? Is it necessitated by the intense sense of relief that comes after waiting six innings and three rounds before taking the required bathroom break? Does he notice that the beer he’s set on top of the urinal is now being invaded by the condensation that is dripping from the flusher?
Whatever the reason, the hands on the wall is only one of the various stances that a bystander will witness while waiting in line at the urinals. There’s also the “hands on hips” method, “hands behind the head”, the “arm on wall with head resting on arm” method which is a late inning favorite of the Drunken College Monkeys and the “pants around the ankles” routine, which is as rare and as shocking as a no-hitter.
Overzealous usher
When a game is so important that seats no longer matter and the stadium has reached its saturation point, the overzealous usher springs into action. On these days, those people who were not fortunate enough to obtain a seat, pose a threat to the well oiled machine that he knows as Section 20.
For some reason, these hoodlum fans feel as if they have the right to blatantly stand three inches outside of the “standing room only” section, something the he sees as flagrantly breaking the law…his law. And when it comes to a sold out game, that’s the only law that matters.
If you choose to challenge the authority granted to him by the all powerful head usher , then you will be met with a brutal, yet just, reprimand.
In the mind of the overzealous usher, he stands side by side with the police force and the firefighters of the city, as one of the citizens who carry with them a great responsibility into their professions. Without him, “standing room only” would be a synonym for “public riot”.
Guy who is desperate to start The Wave
Let’s face it, there’s just nothing out there that is more entertaining than doing the 25 year-old audience participation routine known as “The Wave.”
Most fans probably remain ignorant as to how this phenomenon goes from conception to implementation, instead they are simply satisfied to stand for a second and then enjoy the brilliant visual spectacle it creates. Contrary to what you might believe, the wave does not start by itself.
At the beginning of every great wave, there is the person or collection of people who have gone beyond the call of duty and made the leap from normal fan into the realm of cheerleader. Regardless of the play on the field, this guy will not be satisfied until everyone in his section is unified in their pursuit of the perfect wave. If it’s necessary, he’ll run from one section to the next, like a conductor instructing his symphony.
Because, when it comes right down to it, what fun is a baseball game without the wave?
Next time you venture into the stadium do yourself a favor and take a second to look at the crowd around you. If you get lucky you might see a drunken college monkey with his shirt off, glove on, talking on his cell phone and arguing with the overzealous usher because he’s trying to start the wave.
Screw the game, that right there is worth the price of admission.
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