Woman Troubles - Could use some advice

[Knoxville]

Well I could use some advice. Here's the deal. I have been involved with a girl for about the last 3.5 yrs. For the first 2 years, things were awesome. We were both very happy and would do anything for one another. I graduated college in Spring of 2004 and since then, things have not been right. I think that most of it has been my fault, but takes work on both parts to make things work. I think that I was having problems accepting the fact that this is the woman that I want to marry. I moved into a house by myself after I got out of college. I had the idea in the back of my mind that I would find something better and move on to a better life. I was wrong, I have never found any such thing. We have split up several times over the years, but always got back together. We got engaged X-mas of last year and I moved in with her. I don't know why I wasn't happy. I don't think that I really truely appreciated what I had in front of me. My job was not going the greatest, so I switch jobs and with the price of gas, I had to move to where I would not spend 20$ a day on gas. I only live about 45 mins away, but she wanted to separate when I started my new job. Since I have started my new job, I have dated another girl and realized with her that I only want one thing in my life, the woman who I fell madly in love with, the woman who I do not ever want to be without.

We have been separated for about 3 months now and in that 3 months she has dated another guy, went out with him 2 times. She likes him, but said that she still has feelings for me. I talked to her this weekend and she called the guy she went out with and told him that she can not see him anymore because she is confused about what she wants. I am flat out miserable without her, my mind does not rest. I can change the things in my life that she does not like, but she thinks that it will go back to the same old ways after a few months. I need to show her that I'm speaking the truth that I love her and the fact that I can make her happy and be the man that she deserves. I don't know what to do. I wrote her an e-mail the other night and told her some of this. She said thank you, and that's about it. I thought about getting her some flowers, but the guy she dated, bought her 3 roses and gave to her when he saw her. I don't want her mind to compare me to him in any way. The flowers are dead I'm sure. I dumped out all of the water in the vase and filled it with industrial strength cleaner. Before I had left that day, the water had already turned green from breaking down the chlorophyll. All that I want is a fair chance to show her that I can and will change for her. I can make her happy like we used to be. Any suggestions on what I should do? I'm going back to my home town tonight to stay at my parents house. I thought about just writing her a "letter" explaining how things will be different. I can say whatever I want, but a letter is tangible, somthing that she can read over and over. I thought about getting her a card, but I don't know, I really don't know what to do, but I do not want to lose her. Please, no smartass responses. This is a serious issue with me. It is effecting my workouts (none in almost a week), eating, work, everything, I'm a mess.

Knox

[trip]

Whoooooaaaaaa, that is alot of stuff, man.

If you don't mind me asking.......What does she want you too change?

Please be specific.


She told the other guy she doesn't want to see him, thus, it is best to believe her and take her at her word. She is confused. She knows how you feel, no doubt, flowers, a letter or what ever will not make your feelings, or her feelings for you anymore real.

Confusion probably lies, ( best bet ) is that she asked you to change these things before because they were important to her, and for whateve reason it didn't happen, thus she does not feel important, and when a person does not feel important, it's just a horrible feeling, like the one you are going through now. You don't feel important and thus are ready to do anything to change that feeling. Well, that's probably what she is confused about, she has feelings for you, yet, if things don't change, she will feel horrible again, and most likely worse, for having waisted time, etc.

[Knoxville]

Things to change would include me spending more time with her family. I have nothing in common with them, but I still need to try. For example, her brother has a b-day and her entire family wanted to have a big party for him. I thought he was a piece of shit and did not want to be around him. He is in jail for 7 years now for all kinds of charges. I used to smoke pot quite a bit. I think that I smoked because I was depressed a little bit. That in turn would make me not want to do a whole lot other than smoke with friends and all sit around and get high. After I hurt my back, I did not like doing anything that involve a lot of sitting down. My back has gotten a lot better and doesn't hurt much anymore. I didn't spend enough time with her. Instead of going out on a saturday afternoon to hang out with my friends and seeing her at night, I should have spent the entire day with her. We should have taken a vacation, we never did go anywhere and spend time alone with each other. I've got a lot of changes lined up to follow through with. I'm not going to waste 3.5 yrs.

[Shibby]

First I have always recieved good useful advice from Trip. Definatly knows what he's talking about. Now when I read this it' hard to find a direction. Both of you seem to want to change for each other but are afraid it's going to be time wasted. I get a feeling from it, that as each of you change things for each other, something else will start to conflict, because it's not the as it was. It sounds like eventually one or both of you will resent the other for loosing parts of yourself for making to many personal comprimises. What I mean by that, is you start to change who you are. ie, hanging out at the birthday party when it's completely against what you believe.

[Puddles]

There is a lot of give and take in any successful relationship but like Shibby said, there can be resentment if it's too much.

Take a look at the things you think she wants you to change about yourself and see if you can honestly live happily with those changes or not. Decide if you were being selfish or not. Same thing goes for her, she needs to do some thinking about the same things.

The other day I was talking to an older couple and when I asked how long they had been together they said 60 years. The old man asked me if I knew what the secret was to a long happy marriage and then told me "Compromise!" But of course that goes both ways. You also need a decent sense of humor because all too often we get upset with the stupidest things but if you lighten up, they can be commical. And always try to understand things from the other person's point of view. Don't hold things in when you dissagree but make sure when you have a difference of oppinion you treat eachother with respect in your discussions.

If you two love eachother but you're just having difficulties, working together you should be able to overcome them if your goals are the same. The earliest years of a relationship are the hardest IMO. Good luck!

[crazykris6]

Sometimes if you truely love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them then you make compermises. Like you could say to her I really don't want to go because I don't like him, but i will go because I love you. Let her know how you feel,bt don't change yourself for her. You guys fell in love with who each of you were so don't change yourselves. You can never change a person and it work out, but compermising is ok if you express your felings still. Good luck bro.

[trip]

First I have always recieved good useful advice from Trip. Definatly knows what he's talking about. Now when I read this it' hard to find a direction. Both of you seem to want to change for each other but are afraid it's going to be time wasted. I get a feeling from it, that as each of you change things for each other, something else will start to conflict, because it's not the as it was. It sounds like eventually one or both of you will resent the other for loosing parts of yourself for making to many personal comprimises. What I mean by that, is you start to change who you are. ie, hanging out at the birthday party when it's completely against what you believe.

Shibster IMHO see's it the way I do, and said it lot's better.

Try and focus on the positive aspects of one another, ie, what is right about stuff rather than wrong.

And might help to get some help as a couple. Kind of get the sense you two are really into each other yet need some assistance working out and understanding and learning what is and isn't a good comprimise, which lot's of times is not an easy thing.

Big thumbs up for Shibby, da new daddy, you will make a better one that you can ever fathom with this wisdom.

[Knoxville]

Thanks for the advice people. She says that she just needs some time to herself. She works this weekend at the hospital, Thur Fri and Sat. She said that she would call me this weekend. God I hope all of this works out.

Knox

[Mr I]

Good luck bro, you sound like a pretty genuine fella, don't beat your self up about stuff like this though dude. I know its hard when your into someone but personally I think she's flatering her ego by dating a guy in between break ups, I can understand it from your side, a man has urges. I think your worth more than that dude, like I said you seem genuine, you say what you feel and wear your heart on your sleeve. She sounds young, at least in the head anyways.

[crazykris6]

Let us know how it goes. If you guys truely love each other then it will all work out. We all go through hard times bro.