Tweet
Randy Hill / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 1 day ago
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/4932976
Based on recent events, it seemed like an impossible task.
"Just give it a try," they said.
"This must be how it feels to be Mr. Blackwell," I said.
"Grow up," they said.
They also said pinpointing the NFL's best team would be easy. But attempting to determine the worst among NFL teams might build character.
So here we are.
Through four weeks, several teams are setting a blistering pace to see which finishes the season as the league's worst.
I like to think of it as "The Chase For Matt Leinart," although USC's ballroom-dancing quarterback looked sort of pedestrian during last week's comeback victory at Arizona State.
Anyway, the team eventually on the clock when Leinart's draft class arrives in New York should be quite worthy of this distinction.
My goal is to separate the true offenders from the pretenders. The challenge has been made more severe by a seeming increase in teams that are built to (be) last.
Through Monday's Green Bay loss at Carolina, a plucky 13 NFL teams have less than two victories. Two teams — the Packers and Houston Texans — have yet to scratch.
Week 5 should help put the baddies into a more clear focus; the list of ugly dates includes the Tennessee Titans at Houston, the Chicago Bears at Cleveland Browns and Baltimore's Ravens visiting the Detroit Lions.
Let's take a look at downtrodden, listed in alphabetical disorder:
*Arizona Cardinals (1-3): These rascals looked poised to run away and hide until they rose up and clobbered the San Francisco 49ers in Mexico City. According to idol gossip, soccer-lovin' Mexican authorities considered detaining Cards kicker Neil Rackers, who bagged all six of his field goal tries at Azteca Stadium.
Unfortunately, stellar play from quarterback Josh McCown — subbing for the hamstrung Kurt Warner — probably won't be duplicated much this season. Arizona's chip in securing the draft's first pick is an offensive line whose members serve as tour guides of the Cardinal backfield.
Warner, who's only slightly less mobile than a saguaro cactus, would be wise to take his time before returning.
If McCown continues to play well (and Denny Green decides he doesn't stink), Arizona will win enough to blow that first pick. But there may not be a QB alive (for now) capable of excelling behind that line, making Virginia tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson a viable pick.
Ferguson must be something special; he played on the same college line with Cardinals rookie Elton Brown and helped mask Brown's otherwise glaring deficiencies well enough to make the Cards believe he can play.
*Baltimore Ravens (1-2): Before each game, superstar middle linebacker Ray Lewis whips his teammates into a tackling frenzy by asking, "What time is it?"
After watching the Ravens open at 1-2, I know what time it is in Baltimore. It's panic time, Ray.
Sure, the starting quarterback is out, but that quarterback is Kyle Boller. Most experts don't believe the Ravens will produce on offense until Boller is traded or Jeff Tedford is hired to coach him again.
The Ravens' bid for the top pick (Leinart or USC teammate Reggie Bush certainly couldn't hurt) is enhanced by the defense, which has failed to bring the typical, Lewis-mandated pressure.
*Buffalo Bills (1-3): The premise was a dandy. A stout defense would keep the Bills in games while sophomore quarterback J.P. Losman learned how to play. But the defense never received the memo.
Losman? Let's just say there's a thin line between outward confidence and the clipboard.
*Chicago Bears (1-2): Thanks to a Week 4 bye, they lead the NFC North, which is not unlike seizing the pole position in a tricycle race. With division teams checking in at a collective 3-11, think of these Bears as the Monsters of the Middlin'.
For the record, they have a very impressive defense, but their QB is a rookie with the initials K.O.
*Cleveland Browns (1-2): With a coach named Romeo, this could be just the place for a ballroom dancer from USC. The Browns might be even better if Mike Shanahan agrees to bring their entire offensive line to Denver.
*Detroit Lions (1-2): With Joey Harrington at quarterback and Jeff Garcia on the injured list, it might take one Matt (Leinart) to save another (president Millen).
With seven more home games scheduled, the league may have to fumigate before staging its next Super Bowl.
*Green Bay Packers (0-4): To be fair, this is one team with a gurney in need of a tire rotation and oil change. It seems that everyone — save Brett Favre — is wounded. And Favre, who now requires glasses when attempting to misread defenses, isn't exactly as masterful as he once was. But, all teammates considered, he must feel like Eastwood in a Pauly Shore movie.
Speaking of stupid, a Wisconsin newspaper has reported that the Packers have the dumbest players in the league. This is based on an average score (19) taken from pre-draft Wonderlic test performances.
I'm not sure if these reports are true or relevant, but is should be pointed out that the Packer playbook includes pop-up art.
With Aaron Rodgers residing as the first-round gamble of 2005, Leinart may not be an option. Ferguson would serve, as would Bush or anyone who could sack, stuff or cover.
Actually, that job description probably fits a supermarket box boy.
*Houston Texans (0-3): David Carr, the celebrated overall No. 1 draft pick, once vowed to avoid cutting his hair until the Texans had achieved back-to-back victories.
If applied to the 2005 squad, Carr might end up as a stunt double for Chewbacca.
Please note that an inability to get rid of the ball — abetted by rotten pass blocking — suggests Houston might have to sell the embattled Carr for parts.
*Minnesota Vikings (1-3): They traded Randy Moss and kept Mike Tice. Something tells us that more than one employee is guilty of borrowing the original Whizzinator from a cousin.
Despite many alleged upgrades, the defense has not demonstrated the expected improvement.
But the true puzzler has been the Moss-free offense. Minnesotans haven't been forced to look at something this less offensive than advertised since the film Fargo.
*New York Jets (1-3): How close is Leinart to the Jets? Here's all you need to know — Vinny Testaverde soon will be lining up behind Kevin Mawae. To Vinny, "two-minute drill" refers to the challenge of getting out of bed.
*Oakland Raiders (1-3): The best three-loss team in football could add several more defeats by playing in a rough division. Even if they should fall apart, Leinart may not seem as right for the Raiders as 6-foot-8, 280 pound defensive end Mario Williams of N.C. State might be.
*San Francisco 49ers (1-3): After offending Gay-Americans and Asian- Americans, the Niners spent Sunday night offending an entire country (I'm referring to Mexico ... the Niners are beyond offending Americans).
The presence of rookie quarterback Alex Smith — and the lack of marquee wide receivers as draft bait — might cause players like Ferguson and Bush to look dandy as 49ers.
*Tennessee Titans (1-3): Offensive coordinator Norm Chow certainly would know what to do with Leinart. But what would the Titans do with premium QB understudy Billy Volek?
Their shot at No. 1 seems legit; Nashville hasn't experienced such a commitment to youth since Jerry Lee Lewis took a wife.
And the winner is:
The Green Bay Packers, whose fans — if on-field trends spill into the stands — are overdue for some drops during the Lambeau Leap. The Pack has managed to land on its back despite having the good fortune of playing two teams on this list.
For the record, this win does not make the Packers 1-4.
Posted: 1 day ago
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/4932976
Based on recent events, it seemed like an impossible task.
"Just give it a try," they said.
"This must be how it feels to be Mr. Blackwell," I said.
"Grow up," they said.
They also said pinpointing the NFL's best team would be easy. But attempting to determine the worst among NFL teams might build character.
So here we are.
Through four weeks, several teams are setting a blistering pace to see which finishes the season as the league's worst.
I like to think of it as "The Chase For Matt Leinart," although USC's ballroom-dancing quarterback looked sort of pedestrian during last week's comeback victory at Arizona State.
Anyway, the team eventually on the clock when Leinart's draft class arrives in New York should be quite worthy of this distinction.
My goal is to separate the true offenders from the pretenders. The challenge has been made more severe by a seeming increase in teams that are built to (be) last.
Through Monday's Green Bay loss at Carolina, a plucky 13 NFL teams have less than two victories. Two teams — the Packers and Houston Texans — have yet to scratch.
Week 5 should help put the baddies into a more clear focus; the list of ugly dates includes the Tennessee Titans at Houston, the Chicago Bears at Cleveland Browns and Baltimore's Ravens visiting the Detroit Lions.
Let's take a look at downtrodden, listed in alphabetical disorder:
*Arizona Cardinals (1-3): These rascals looked poised to run away and hide until they rose up and clobbered the San Francisco 49ers in Mexico City. According to idol gossip, soccer-lovin' Mexican authorities considered detaining Cards kicker Neil Rackers, who bagged all six of his field goal tries at Azteca Stadium.
Unfortunately, stellar play from quarterback Josh McCown — subbing for the hamstrung Kurt Warner — probably won't be duplicated much this season. Arizona's chip in securing the draft's first pick is an offensive line whose members serve as tour guides of the Cardinal backfield.
Warner, who's only slightly less mobile than a saguaro cactus, would be wise to take his time before returning.
If McCown continues to play well (and Denny Green decides he doesn't stink), Arizona will win enough to blow that first pick. But there may not be a QB alive (for now) capable of excelling behind that line, making Virginia tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson a viable pick.
Ferguson must be something special; he played on the same college line with Cardinals rookie Elton Brown and helped mask Brown's otherwise glaring deficiencies well enough to make the Cards believe he can play.
*Baltimore Ravens (1-2): Before each game, superstar middle linebacker Ray Lewis whips his teammates into a tackling frenzy by asking, "What time is it?"
After watching the Ravens open at 1-2, I know what time it is in Baltimore. It's panic time, Ray.
Sure, the starting quarterback is out, but that quarterback is Kyle Boller. Most experts don't believe the Ravens will produce on offense until Boller is traded or Jeff Tedford is hired to coach him again.
The Ravens' bid for the top pick (Leinart or USC teammate Reggie Bush certainly couldn't hurt) is enhanced by the defense, which has failed to bring the typical, Lewis-mandated pressure.
*Buffalo Bills (1-3): The premise was a dandy. A stout defense would keep the Bills in games while sophomore quarterback J.P. Losman learned how to play. But the defense never received the memo.
Losman? Let's just say there's a thin line between outward confidence and the clipboard.
*Chicago Bears (1-2): Thanks to a Week 4 bye, they lead the NFC North, which is not unlike seizing the pole position in a tricycle race. With division teams checking in at a collective 3-11, think of these Bears as the Monsters of the Middlin'.
For the record, they have a very impressive defense, but their QB is a rookie with the initials K.O.
*Cleveland Browns (1-2): With a coach named Romeo, this could be just the place for a ballroom dancer from USC. The Browns might be even better if Mike Shanahan agrees to bring their entire offensive line to Denver.
*Detroit Lions (1-2): With Joey Harrington at quarterback and Jeff Garcia on the injured list, it might take one Matt (Leinart) to save another (president Millen).
With seven more home games scheduled, the league may have to fumigate before staging its next Super Bowl.
*Green Bay Packers (0-4): To be fair, this is one team with a gurney in need of a tire rotation and oil change. It seems that everyone — save Brett Favre — is wounded. And Favre, who now requires glasses when attempting to misread defenses, isn't exactly as masterful as he once was. But, all teammates considered, he must feel like Eastwood in a Pauly Shore movie.
Speaking of stupid, a Wisconsin newspaper has reported that the Packers have the dumbest players in the league. This is based on an average score (19) taken from pre-draft Wonderlic test performances.
I'm not sure if these reports are true or relevant, but is should be pointed out that the Packer playbook includes pop-up art.
With Aaron Rodgers residing as the first-round gamble of 2005, Leinart may not be an option. Ferguson would serve, as would Bush or anyone who could sack, stuff or cover.
Actually, that job description probably fits a supermarket box boy.
*Houston Texans (0-3): David Carr, the celebrated overall No. 1 draft pick, once vowed to avoid cutting his hair until the Texans had achieved back-to-back victories.
If applied to the 2005 squad, Carr might end up as a stunt double for Chewbacca.
Please note that an inability to get rid of the ball — abetted by rotten pass blocking — suggests Houston might have to sell the embattled Carr for parts.
*Minnesota Vikings (1-3): They traded Randy Moss and kept Mike Tice. Something tells us that more than one employee is guilty of borrowing the original Whizzinator from a cousin.
Despite many alleged upgrades, the defense has not demonstrated the expected improvement.
But the true puzzler has been the Moss-free offense. Minnesotans haven't been forced to look at something this less offensive than advertised since the film Fargo.
*New York Jets (1-3): How close is Leinart to the Jets? Here's all you need to know — Vinny Testaverde soon will be lining up behind Kevin Mawae. To Vinny, "two-minute drill" refers to the challenge of getting out of bed.
*Oakland Raiders (1-3): The best three-loss team in football could add several more defeats by playing in a rough division. Even if they should fall apart, Leinart may not seem as right for the Raiders as 6-foot-8, 280 pound defensive end Mario Williams of N.C. State might be.
*San Francisco 49ers (1-3): After offending Gay-Americans and Asian- Americans, the Niners spent Sunday night offending an entire country (I'm referring to Mexico ... the Niners are beyond offending Americans).
The presence of rookie quarterback Alex Smith — and the lack of marquee wide receivers as draft bait — might cause players like Ferguson and Bush to look dandy as 49ers.
*Tennessee Titans (1-3): Offensive coordinator Norm Chow certainly would know what to do with Leinart. But what would the Titans do with premium QB understudy Billy Volek?
Their shot at No. 1 seems legit; Nashville hasn't experienced such a commitment to youth since Jerry Lee Lewis took a wife.
And the winner is:
The Green Bay Packers, whose fans — if on-field trends spill into the stands — are overdue for some drops during the Lambeau Leap. The Pack has managed to land on its back despite having the good fortune of playing two teams on this list.
For the record, this win does not make the Packers 1-4.
Comment