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20. “Hey Baby” No Doubt
Never have the goings-on between a rock band and its groupies been so boring, largely because Gwen is less interested in hoochies than her tea (it’s chamomile, if you were wondering).
Low point: “Hey baby, hey baby, hey!” (Repeat 6,000 times.)
19. “We Like to Party!” Vengaboys
It would have been forgotten if not for a Six Flags commercial featuring a freaky dancing man that was more nauseating than any ad not for herpes medication.
Low point: “The wheels of steel are turning/And traffic lights are burning/ So if you like to party/Get on and move your body.”
18. “The Girl Is Mine” Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney
Spoken word bits are tricky, as Jacko’s duet with the cute Beatle proves. Let’s just say that when MJ comes across as the masculine one, something’s gone very, very wrong.
Low point: “Paul, I think I told you, I’m a lover not a fighter.”
17. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” The Proclaimers
Scotland has given us many fine things (like golf, scotch, and Groundskeeper Willie), but that doesn’t excuse these twins for combining impenetrable dialect with nasal whine. Worse than haggis.
Low point: “DA DA DA DA DA!/DA DA DA DA DA!/Lika lika lika lika la, la, la.”
16. “This Kiss” Faith Hill
It’s a little bit country, a little bit rock’n’roll, and a whole lot of shit. A catchily mediocre love song achieves a special kind of awful when Tim McGraw’s hot wife tries to drop science. Stay away from the physics, Faith (at least until the Stephen Hawking mash-up).
Low point: “It’s centrifugal motion/It’s perpetual bliss/It’s that pivotal moment/It’s (ah) impossible/This kiss, this kiss—unstoppable.”
15. “Who Let the Dogs Out” Baha Men
The most famous group from the Bahamas gave us a song where the chant of “woof woof woof woof” is the least irritating part. Meanwhile, Jamaica produced Bob Marley and Peter Tosh.
Low point: “Get back, Ruffy/Bye, Scruffy/Get back, you flea-infested mongrel.”
14. “It’s a Small World”
This proves that, no matter where people come from, they have something in common: We all despise this song. Thanks, Disney.
Low point: “It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small, small world.”
13. “Secret Garden (Jerry Maguire version)” Bruce Springsteen
If there’s a tune that can’t be ruined by Cuba Gooding Jr., we’ve yet to hear it.
Low point: Cuba: “You’ve got to be fair to her! She loves you. If you don’t love her, you have got to tell her!”
12. “Vertigo” U2
“Hello, hello (Hola!)” When you can make The Joshua Tree, you’re held to a higher standard. The only thing more baffling than the discovery that Bono speaks Spanish—kind of—was the realization that U2 absolutely adores this tune, using it to open and close shows. Be careful, boyos, lest ye go the way of R.E.M.
Low point: “Unos, dos, tres—catorce!”
11. “Nookie” Limp Bizkit
Fred Durst, quadruple threat: He can’t sing, rap, write lyrics, or even get a gym membership so he wouldn’t be such a load. A fantastic opening riff goes tragically to waste.
Low point: “Stick it up your yeah!/Stick it up your yeah!/Stick it up your yeah!”
10. “Pray” MC Hammer
You can’t smear feces on the Mona Lisa and call it art. Yet Hammer desecrates the brilliant “When Doves Cry.” Angered, the Lord smites him with bankruptcy.
Low point: “I tried and tried and tried and tried to make a way/But nothing happened till the day that I prayed.”
9. “Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1–5)” R. Kelly
This epic shows the dark side of adultery. For if an accused pedophile does not uphold moral standards, who will?
Low point: “‘Oh, my goodness!/I’m about to climax’/ And I said, ‘Cool/ Climax/Just let go of my leg!’”
8. “Tom’s Diner” Suzanne Vega
Rhyming is hard! At least it is for Suzanne. Happily, she doesn’t let this stop her from capturing the thrills of sitting in a diner.
Low point: “I am waiting/At the counter/For the man/To pour the coffee.”
7. “With Arms Wide Open” Creed
Did you know when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina, they can make a baby? So does everyone else, but Scott Stapp drones on as if he were the first man ever to knock somebody up.
Low point: “We stand in awe/We’ve created life.”
6. “Electric Boogie” Marcia Griffiths
We’ll let Ms. Griffiths speak for herself:
“It’s electric!/Boogie woogie woogie/ Diggita Mrs. Kelly with the bubbling electric belly/She’s moving along with the electric/ She sure got the boogie!”
She sure does.
5. “Wannabe” Spice Girls
A second, far crappier British invasion happened in the ’90s, as the Spice Girls paid us back in spades for every joke we ever told about English dentistry.
Low point: “I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ah!”
4. “Wonderful Christmas Time” Paul McCartney
Could he really once have been a Beatle? Say what you will about Ringo, but at least Mr. Starr never ruined Jesus’ birthday.
Low point: “The choir of children sing their song/Ding, dong, ding, dong.”
3. “My Heart Will Go On” Celine Dion
The Titanic sinking cost some 1,500 people their lives. Celine hasn’t killed that many yet, but give her time. The second most tragic event to result from that fabled ocean liner continues to torment humanity years later, as Canada’s cruelest shows off a voice as loud as a sonic boom, though not nearly so pretty.
Low point: “Love was when I loved you/One true time I hold to.”
2. “Your Body Is a Wonderland” John Mayer
Rock’s biggest tool offers a mix of cheese (“You want love?/We’ll make it”) and outright stalking (“I know you’re mine/All mine/All mine”).
Low point: “One thing I’ve left to do/Discover me/ Discovering you.”
1. “HollaBack Girl” Gwen Stefani
The millennium is young, yet the next 1,000 years can’t possibly bring a more nerve-shredding tune. What begins as a pathetic school fight song (“So I’m ready to attack/Gonna lead the pack/Gonna get a touchdown/Gonna take you out!”) achieves a shrillness for the ages when Gwen shows off her ability to spell. Mrs. Rossdale, your song S-U-C-K-S.
Low point: “This shit is bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”
20. “Hey Baby” No Doubt
Never have the goings-on between a rock band and its groupies been so boring, largely because Gwen is less interested in hoochies than her tea (it’s chamomile, if you were wondering).
Low point: “Hey baby, hey baby, hey!” (Repeat 6,000 times.)
19. “We Like to Party!” Vengaboys
It would have been forgotten if not for a Six Flags commercial featuring a freaky dancing man that was more nauseating than any ad not for herpes medication.
Low point: “The wheels of steel are turning/And traffic lights are burning/ So if you like to party/Get on and move your body.”
18. “The Girl Is Mine” Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney
Spoken word bits are tricky, as Jacko’s duet with the cute Beatle proves. Let’s just say that when MJ comes across as the masculine one, something’s gone very, very wrong.
Low point: “Paul, I think I told you, I’m a lover not a fighter.”
17. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” The Proclaimers
Scotland has given us many fine things (like golf, scotch, and Groundskeeper Willie), but that doesn’t excuse these twins for combining impenetrable dialect with nasal whine. Worse than haggis.
Low point: “DA DA DA DA DA!/DA DA DA DA DA!/Lika lika lika lika la, la, la.”
16. “This Kiss” Faith Hill
It’s a little bit country, a little bit rock’n’roll, and a whole lot of shit. A catchily mediocre love song achieves a special kind of awful when Tim McGraw’s hot wife tries to drop science. Stay away from the physics, Faith (at least until the Stephen Hawking mash-up).
Low point: “It’s centrifugal motion/It’s perpetual bliss/It’s that pivotal moment/It’s (ah) impossible/This kiss, this kiss—unstoppable.”
15. “Who Let the Dogs Out” Baha Men
The most famous group from the Bahamas gave us a song where the chant of “woof woof woof woof” is the least irritating part. Meanwhile, Jamaica produced Bob Marley and Peter Tosh.
Low point: “Get back, Ruffy/Bye, Scruffy/Get back, you flea-infested mongrel.”
14. “It’s a Small World”
This proves that, no matter where people come from, they have something in common: We all despise this song. Thanks, Disney.
Low point: “It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small world, after all/It’s a small, small world.”
13. “Secret Garden (Jerry Maguire version)” Bruce Springsteen
If there’s a tune that can’t be ruined by Cuba Gooding Jr., we’ve yet to hear it.
Low point: Cuba: “You’ve got to be fair to her! She loves you. If you don’t love her, you have got to tell her!”
12. “Vertigo” U2
“Hello, hello (Hola!)” When you can make The Joshua Tree, you’re held to a higher standard. The only thing more baffling than the discovery that Bono speaks Spanish—kind of—was the realization that U2 absolutely adores this tune, using it to open and close shows. Be careful, boyos, lest ye go the way of R.E.M.
Low point: “Unos, dos, tres—catorce!”
11. “Nookie” Limp Bizkit
Fred Durst, quadruple threat: He can’t sing, rap, write lyrics, or even get a gym membership so he wouldn’t be such a load. A fantastic opening riff goes tragically to waste.
Low point: “Stick it up your yeah!/Stick it up your yeah!/Stick it up your yeah!”
10. “Pray” MC Hammer
You can’t smear feces on the Mona Lisa and call it art. Yet Hammer desecrates the brilliant “When Doves Cry.” Angered, the Lord smites him with bankruptcy.
Low point: “I tried and tried and tried and tried to make a way/But nothing happened till the day that I prayed.”
9. “Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1–5)” R. Kelly
This epic shows the dark side of adultery. For if an accused pedophile does not uphold moral standards, who will?
Low point: “‘Oh, my goodness!/I’m about to climax’/ And I said, ‘Cool/ Climax/Just let go of my leg!’”
8. “Tom’s Diner” Suzanne Vega
Rhyming is hard! At least it is for Suzanne. Happily, she doesn’t let this stop her from capturing the thrills of sitting in a diner.
Low point: “I am waiting/At the counter/For the man/To pour the coffee.”
7. “With Arms Wide Open” Creed
Did you know when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina, they can make a baby? So does everyone else, but Scott Stapp drones on as if he were the first man ever to knock somebody up.
Low point: “We stand in awe/We’ve created life.”
6. “Electric Boogie” Marcia Griffiths
We’ll let Ms. Griffiths speak for herself:
“It’s electric!/Boogie woogie woogie/ Diggita Mrs. Kelly with the bubbling electric belly/She’s moving along with the electric/ She sure got the boogie!”
She sure does.
5. “Wannabe” Spice Girls
A second, far crappier British invasion happened in the ’90s, as the Spice Girls paid us back in spades for every joke we ever told about English dentistry.
Low point: “I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ah!”
4. “Wonderful Christmas Time” Paul McCartney
Could he really once have been a Beatle? Say what you will about Ringo, but at least Mr. Starr never ruined Jesus’ birthday.
Low point: “The choir of children sing their song/Ding, dong, ding, dong.”
3. “My Heart Will Go On” Celine Dion
The Titanic sinking cost some 1,500 people their lives. Celine hasn’t killed that many yet, but give her time. The second most tragic event to result from that fabled ocean liner continues to torment humanity years later, as Canada’s cruelest shows off a voice as loud as a sonic boom, though not nearly so pretty.
Low point: “Love was when I loved you/One true time I hold to.”
2. “Your Body Is a Wonderland” John Mayer
Rock’s biggest tool offers a mix of cheese (“You want love?/We’ll make it”) and outright stalking (“I know you’re mine/All mine/All mine”).
Low point: “One thing I’ve left to do/Discover me/ Discovering you.”
1. “HollaBack Girl” Gwen Stefani
The millennium is young, yet the next 1,000 years can’t possibly bring a more nerve-shredding tune. What begins as a pathetic school fight song (“So I’m ready to attack/Gonna lead the pack/Gonna get a touchdown/Gonna take you out!”) achieves a shrillness for the ages when Gwen shows off her ability to spell. Mrs. Rossdale, your song S-U-C-K-S.
Low point: “This shit is bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”
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