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Holy crap...I just about pissed myself reading this.
1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
4. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
5. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent
6. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
7. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
8. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
9. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
11. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
12. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
13. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
14. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
17. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
18. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
19. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
21. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
22. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
23. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
24. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
25. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
26. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
27. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
28. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
29. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
30. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
31. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris's Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later caused his Parkinson's disease.
32. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and tequila.
33. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
34. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
35. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
36. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
37. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
38. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
39. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
40. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
41. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
42. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
43. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass--at night.
44. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
45. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
46. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
47. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the Earth down.
48. Bruce Lee actually died from internal bleeding caused by a roundhouse recieved from Chuck Norris during the filming of "Return of the Dragon".
49. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
50. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...horses are hung like Chuck Fucking Norris.
1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
4. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
5. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent
6. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
7. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
8. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
9. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
11. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
12. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
13. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
14. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
17. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
18. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
19. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
21. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
22. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
23. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
24. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
25. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
26. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
27. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
28. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
29. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
30. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
31. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris's Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later caused his Parkinson's disease.
32. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and tequila.
33. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
34. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
35. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
36. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
37. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
38. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
39. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
40. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
41. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
42. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
43. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass--at night.
44. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
45. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
46. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
47. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the Earth down.
48. Bruce Lee actually died from internal bleeding caused by a roundhouse recieved from Chuck Norris during the filming of "Return of the Dragon".
49. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
50. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...horses are hung like Chuck Fucking Norris.
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