Question give me an answer of you can or an opinion if you can

[trip]

someone,

And one more q if you don't mind.

Is the ex, and ex-boyfriend or husband?

[Puddles]

There's no simple answer to this situation. Obviously you two get along well and that in itself is a huge plus, but the main problem is that she's still got deep feelings for this guy and you will risk being hurt again if you two get back together. I would keep my distance emotionally as much as possible until she's made a firm decision to not be involved with this guy and has stuck to it for a few months after the baby is born. Maybe then I would begin to let the relationship grow again. Meanwhile, you can remain friends and support her while she's going through her troubled times.

People make mistakes and having a friend to count on for forgiveness and support means a lot. If you're able to handle it, take things SLOWLY and see what develops. She's got some serious personal issues to deal with before she can even begin to make a commitment to you.

Good luck.

[someone-new]

Originally posted by trip
someone,

And one more q if you don't mind.

Is the ex, and ex-boyfriend or husband?

It is an ex-boyfriend who asked her to marry him a long time ago but just didin't follow through

[someone-new]

Originally posted by MrsPuddlesFL
There's no simple answer to this situation. Obviously you two get along well and that in itself is a huge plus, but the main problem is that she's still got deep feelings for this guy and you will risk being hurt again if you two get back together. I would keep my distance emotionally as much as possible until she's made a firm decision to not be involved with this guy and has stuck to it for a few months after the baby is born. Maybe then I would begin to let the relationship grow again. Meanwhile, you can remain friends and support her while she's going through her troubled times.

People make mistakes and having a friend to count on for forgiveness and support means a lot. If you're able to handle it, take things SLOWLY and see what develops. She's got some serious personal issues to deal with before she can even begin to make a commitment to you.

Good luck.

I knew there was no simply answer to this whole thing but i was just hopping to get feed back just as you and everyone else taht replied did and i appreciate all the replies thank you very much.

[Auriflex]

I think the answer has just come to me.

We must kill the exboyfriend. Not with our hands though - they are too easy to break. Let's use putters. I have this way cool titanium putter that looks like it would maim someone pretty good.

My reply wasn't very appropriate I know.

[someone-new]

Originally posted by Auriflex
I think the answer has just come to me.

We must kill the exboyfriend. Not with our hands though - they are too easy to break. Let's use putters. I have this way cool titanium putter that looks like it would maim someone pretty good.

My reply wasn't very appropriate I know.

But I like it

[trip]

someone-new,

Thanks very much for the answers.

Mrs. P, hit it on the head in reference to how too handle the future with her. I would add one thing to this. If perhaps you decide to try again suggestion would be for individual and group counseling and here's why.

The deep issues the Mrs. P talks about are most likely there, of course we don't know because we do not know her per say and it is her choice always if there is something there or not, yet it would seem they are most likely there than not.

We always here, "It all happened in your childhood", and guess what, that is almost so very true.

In childhood all trust and love issues, ie value systems are developed. And if you grow up in a non-functioning family situation you can get this two issues a little off balance such so that this is what happens.....

Let's just say it takes ten things too add to have a good handle on trust or love. Most folks that deal with this issue have eight of the ten pretty much down, which is good, and one of them they don't fully understand, and then there is another they are totally blind too.

Well, since you learned this stuff from your family, in general they work okay in your family, alas though since it's not like the rest of the world what you learned in childhood ends up being in conflict with others.

Now, of course the person is smart and tries to change things or do things different, yet most of the time they try and change or tinker with the eight things they know. So, while they know and feel in their hearts they are trying, because they are, they are still getting the not desired results, thus the constant banging head on the wall getting nowhere.

What a good counselor does is help the person uncover one item they are blinded too, fully understand the one they are a little off kilter on, and they hang with that person until they have run the equaiton through enough times they have re-built there confidence.

Some things to take comfort in now.

Try not concern yourself with TELLING her you will be their for her. Your actions are already stating that fact and she probably knows it quite well because you have told her many times. The hope here might be that if you say it you will get a different answer, the thing is your actions are already telling her that. So, try and let it be.

The best thing for you.

The guess here is that your mind is really kind of going a little wacky on you. Which is really the cause of additional stress or anxiety.

It's probably doing something like this.

When you have work to do or workout, when you need to be focused, you're probably okay and do well, get the job done as good as it needs to be.

Now when your mind is unfocused we have a different story. Most likely 40% of your mind is reviewing the past thinking what if this, what if that, and with this type of thinking you end up putting another 40% of your time into projecting into the future, which as we know is totally unpredicatably, yet your mind is trying to predict it.

In essence 80% of your time is spent mulling over something that has already happened, that really has no good answer too. What it is ultimately doing is causing you pain, cause all this thinking keeps you stuck in the past with all these what if's, and what will never be's.

The best you can do now is too try and allow some new things to come into your life that you can focus on positively. Take a class, get a new hobby, re-do workouts, re-do the house, anything that would get your mind focused on something positive and constructive.

Right now the mind is focused on things that are really harming you than helping you.

Know this is not easy, and this is where the personal learning comes in, yet it's the best thing to do.

What we do know is:

WHATEVER YOU FOCUS ON WILL EXPAND

If you focus on the what if's of the relationships and the not having her, those are all painfull feelings.

Focus on something good and new, to get good feelings.

ACTIONS CREATE FEELINGS

Actions right now, this thinking stinking thing, are the cause of the bad feelings.

Take some new good actions.

This is a little dicey what I am going too say next because I do not want to do anything to harm your pschye in anyway, and remember I'm up on a highwire here with no net and one eye shut, more chance to be wrong than right.

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS

Okay, cliched again, and won't go into it because that's not where I'm going.

Best guess is that your ex is probably embarraressed to the maximum to have created such problems for everyone involved. And often times when this happens people just don't like to talk about this stuff, face it or be reminded of it.

So, anytime you bring up the future now, she probably starts thinking about how she screwed up the past and has feelings of embarassment, which are stronger than what might be in the future.

She also probably senses sub-conciously that you are making your happiness dependent on being in the relationship. Which making your happiness dependent on another person is too much of a responsiblity for most anyone to bear, especially after messing things up totally.

So, the best thing here, is to take this time now and better yourself, concentrate on making things better for your kid. And in the future maybe your ex's wounds will heal enough with time that the future might look brighter, and then maybe she will be ready for some counseling.

All in all, that is about all I have too say. Apologize if it was too much or not what you were looking for.

Of course ask any quesitions you want, or PM me if you desire.

The goal is to get yourself better so you are ready to enjoy totally whatever life has to offer you, and by the sound of it life has lot's to offer you.

Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

[someone-new]

THank you for all your help and your replies I appreciate everything you siad and all.

Thank you

[Auriflex]

I guess Trip made a few good points, but keep that whole killing thing in mind. Have putt will travel.

[someone-new]

Originally posted by Auriflex
I guess Trip made a few good points, but keep that whole killing thing in mind. Have putt will travel.

I will keep that in mind thanks

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[trip]

Yeah Auri,

Point well taken, tend to go the thinking route when sometimes it's just easier to take action and get it over and done with.

Guess the best thing there is to take copious notes after watching CSI and buy a good pair of gloves and nice form fitting ski mask, one that doesn't clash to hard with the rest of your outfit so you stand out in a crowd.

[Puddles]

I had an unusual childhood...maybe that explains why I'm me. Actually, I went to councelling a few yrs. ago and it was wonderful. Nothing wrong with admitting you may need a little guidance, it did me a world of good. :)

[Auriflex]

Don't you all see you are just tormenting this poor soul with your 'helpful advice', if you can even call it that.

Let them eat cake. (Famous last words)

[dreamgirl]

someone... i agree with trip... and with mrs.p, talking to a 3rd party who is totally uninvolved will help you out a lot. your ex doesn't feel the same and there is a bonnie rait song that describes this perfectly... "i can't make you love me (if you don't)" I was with someone for a long time and they fell "out of love" and as much as I could try to change their mind eventually you realize that you can't make them love you. It's a very hard thing to go through, but you'll make it.

[new231]

New231 has the answer to everyone's relationship problems. If you find yourself having trouble finding happiness in your relationship and problems exist, I want you to do one thing for me. Here it is: Think back to the time when you were most in love with that person. Imagine the time when you two were both together and so excited to be a part of each others lives. Imagine holding each other so close, looking into each other's eyes with so much love, and feeling like nothing else mattered in the entire world. The only thing that mattered to both of you was the love that was being shared at this moment. Now hold on to those loving thoughts for one moment and put them in the back of your mind for one second.

Now I want you to think about how your relationship has been during the last month. Think about how you have felt bored, argued from time to time, and the times you were just going through the motions and would rather be doing something else. Think about those thoughts and realize how the surroundings and other things going on in your life are affecting your relationship.

Now compare the two visions I had you imagine. Think about when you were so in love that nothing else in the world mattered, and then in your last month of your relationship everything seemed to matter, except the love. Love is the only thing that makes a relationship special. Nothing else matters, only the love you two share for each other. If you can sit down with your partner and explain to them that love is missing from your relationship and you want to get it back, then things will work out.