GF's sex drive is virtually non-existant

[The_Grinder]

Me and my GF have been going out for a little over 3 years now. I am currently 20 and she is 19. The first year, maybe year and a half, she was horny as could be. I could count her wanting to have sex pretty much anytime we were together. If we werent going to see eachother, then she would just take care of it herself. Anyway, since then, her sex drive has shrunk dremendously. She is probably in the mood once every two months now. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky. I do love her, so I am sticking with it, but damn is it killing me. We have talked about it, and she doesnt know what is wrong either. She is very open about masturbation, and she admits that it has been months since she has even done that. (Compared to the few times a week she did it just a year or two ago.) We both have two more years of college left, and I would want to marry her if we are still together after we are both done. I dont want to base my decision on sex, because she means so much more than that to me. But I cant help but ask myself, what if it is like this after we get married?? I have tried everything I can think of. I tell her all the time how great she looks. I try not to pressure her for sex, I want her to want it too. (If she tells me she's not in the mood I respect her decision)

Anyway, I would appreciate any advice you could give me. We are just poor college students so we cant afford any sex-therapists or anything. I don't want to not marry her just because of sex, because she means the world to me. Then again I dont want to have sex less than 7 times a year if I do get married. Ahh!! I'm open to suggestions, thanks!!

[Shibby]

At that age it's probably going to be only a few things. She is feeling depressed about something. It may be the relationship. I had a long time girlfriend at that age also. We loved each other just as you two did. But we were too young to understand our feelings ourselves and even more how to express them. The relationship was comfortable and we didn't know anything else. The main thing I learned when getting over her, is that if it dosn't work out, it dosn't mean it is someones fault. Trust me when I say that between highschool, just out of high school, just in college, in college, and just out of college, that you change a lot. Just because you don't change together and still work well together in every aspect of the relationship, dosn't mean it's someone's fault. This is what it sounds like to me, because your story sounds so familiar. She could just be bored with the sex life. 3 years together and at those ages you are just learning, if at all, to be truly comfortable about trying things a little different. It may have become monotonous. Worse case scenario's is she could be seeing someone else or there is something medically (not psycologically) wrong. But I wouldn't worry about it being medical.

[Love Drops]

Me and my boyfriend have also been going out for 3 years. I'm 20, he's 19. I remember about a year ago when I lost the desire to be sexual... It was problems between us. I didn't really feel as close and was wondering if we were going to last through college. He was/is my first boyfriend, so I didn't/don't really know what to expect.

I agree with Shibby. She's probably down or sad about something. Or just confused about the relationship maybe? Stressed about where her life is going after college? It doesn't always mean she wants to break up (I don't think)... me and my boyfriend survived a year and a half later after a day break up...lol.

If I was her, and something WAS on my mind that was making me lose my sex drive, I think deep down I would want to talk about it. Get all past problems out of the way, and talk about how to freshen up the relationship?

I think it is good too that you give her space and respect her if she doesn't feel like messing around. If you didn't, I think it would only make things worse. I guess I didn't really give a whole lot of advice, but I just wanted to let you know, that you're not alone I guess. I hope things work out for you and her. Good luck!

[xxxkazxxx]

Your girlfriend was horny as hell at 16 years old? I was still playing jump rope & watching cartoons at 16. Maybe she entered the world of sex a little too early. She was probably too young to understand what sex means in a relationship & was just having sex because thats what everyone else was doing or thats what she thought you had to do. So now she probably dosnt see what all the interest in it is because she didnt take her time to grow mentally & emotionally before she took the sex step!

[The_Grinder]

Well, I was her first, and by the time we actually did it she was 17. I don't think 17 is too bad for a girl to lose her virginity nowadays. I always have thoughts go through my head that it could be me. But then again, when I talk to her about it, she doesnt even masturbate anymore. (When she used to do it at least once a week if not two or three times.) She gets really stressed with her job, so I think that might be some of it. I really hope its not because she's bored with us, but it gives me a little hope that she doesnt really get horny on her own, even though she used to. If it gets closer to us possibly getting married, and we are still like this, I guess we are going to have to see some kind of couples therapist or something.

[Shibby]

It sounds like she may be wondering if she is missing out on part of her life. She may love you and all, dosn't want to give you up if she were to find out it wasn't worth it, but "what if" is always on her mind. It is very hard to get that deep and get that kind of discussion going. Both of you will be afraid to say the wrong thing or feel like they have failed. All that along with the stress of her job, I agree that she may just be questioning a lot since she is run down.

[The_Grinder]

Update: Well, we talked about it. (Its not the first time, but we talked about it) I mentioned the fact that maybe she needed time apart or maybe just didn't need a relationship right now. She rapidly disagreed with me and expressed how much she loved me. She told me how much she really just wanted to be with me, and how she can't wait till we get married. But yet, still no urge whatsoever to have sex. Not just no sex, but absolutely no passion on a physical level whatsoever. I am seriously getting pissed off and confused. She continues to reinforce the fact that she loves me and DOES want to be with me, "for the rest of her life", but she has zero urge to express any of that love intimately. Not only that, but I can't remember the last time anything has happened between us without me asking for it. It used to just spontaneously happen, and it was great. Not anymore. It's predictable and it's usually because I ask her for it. Oh well, so goes my life.

[coffee-guy]

Focus your attention on her eslewhere and you'll see things change with time - women need more than sex - use the extra time on your hands to treat her like you did when you first met (without ANY hint of sexual conduct wanted) - you'll find that when you treat her the way she desires (absent from any alterior motives) her feelings will come back...

[go Yankees]

give her DHEA...Susan Casey had a column in Esquire magazine about popular supplements -- she'd take one, try it out, and report on what happened. One month she took DHEA and basically said she got really horny. It might have done other stuff for her, but she was "too busy to notice"

On a more serious note, it could be a bunch of things, varying from something as (relatively) innocuous as a lot of stress, or something like someone else in the picture, who's causing a drain on her desire to have sex with you.

[The_Grinder]

I'll read up on that supplement you mentioned go. I honestly dont think it's being caused by her and possibly another guy. I only say that because this has been building and slowly getting a little worse over the past year and a half. I think if there was someone else I would have found out about it by now or it would have come on more suddenly. I'm pretty sure I would have either found out, or she would have broken up with me by now if there were someone else.

[Shibby]

I think she really does want to be with you and does love you. It sounds like she is burnt out emotionally and maybe physically. It may be you, it may be work, but it's probably everything together that is making her feel lost in her own self.

[Bouncer]

maybe you are just ugly? :)

[ROCKILLER]

maybe you are just ugly? :)

Is that what the problem was with you?


Has anyone heard or I guess the woman may have experience with womens sexual growth. As in, my GF, although not nearly like grinder, also doesnt have a sex drive that compares to mine. She seems to think that part of it has to do with her age, she is only 21. As you get around 30 or 35 is it common for women to change in this respect.

I agree with what Foghat said. It helps.

[The_Grinder]

maybe you are just ugly? :)

:hmmm: Geez, I hope not, lol. I'd honestly say about a 7.5. 8 if I'm dressed nice. :lm:

I probably also should have mentioned that along with her job, she is taking classes year round to try to get into nursing school. Also, just very recently her mom was diagnosed with lymphoma, so I don't try to put too much pressure on her to do anything she isn't in the mood to do.

[The_Grinder]

Hmm. I was reading up on a few things. I didnt know that some birth control can lower sex drive. Interestingly enough my GF switched to a different kind of birth control, around the time that the problems started, and has been taking it ever since.