My life (long)

[ROCKILLER]

Came crashing down this weekend. None of you really know me very well, and to be honest its a little nice that way. My GF and I had been together for nearly 5 years until this weekend. We own a house and we have lived together the majority of the time we have been together. We had problems over a year and a half ago because I cheated on her. It was one of those drunken I dont really remember how it happened things, not that it makes it OK. If there was one thing in this world I could take back it would be betraying her trust. We had since gotten back together, bought the house and were doing Ok.

Its a long story but I have lots of faults. One of them is money, if I'm going to buy something, I figure we should get the best one so we dont need another and she wants to get the cheaper one to save. I also spend money on things I shouldnt some times. One of my other problems is my temper. I get sngry and frustrated easy. We used to argue and I would shut down and not want to talk. And then when I wanted to try to make things better, if it didnt work out I would just get frustrated again. It all seems so childish now.

I'm the kind of person who is very stubborn and I am finding that it takes a lot for me to learn how to behave properly all of the time. I was an only child for 9 years and my parents were great but my mother gave me everything I ever wanted which made me used to that. It also makes me not appreciate what I have. I'm just now realizing how much I have taken things for granted. There are many reasons she left but a large part of the problem is that things have built up. I have told her in the past that I want her to be honesat and open and tell me her problems but whan she criticezed me I would get mad and not want to talk. Also, I think we have been in a downward spiral in the bedroom. She doesnt want it right then so I get frustrated which ends up pushing her further and further away.

The thing that finally brought it to an end was another guy she met on a business trip. She is a beautiful girl and gets hit on all the time but I think that she was so fed up with our problems that this guy sort of got to her. She says nothing happened, they didnt even kiss. But I found a note from him saying that she fell asleep in his arms. She says they werent even in a hotel room but wont get into it. I really doubt that this will go any further as they live thousands of miles away but its the fact that she knows there are others out there that will treat her like he did and also the excitement of a new relationship. I was her first longterm relationship.

My mom and my aunt who I am close to know everything and they are telling me that its all her and she feels guilty and is trying to blame it on me. They are pretty biased though. I think whatever she did, it still counts as cheating but the thing that makes it even harder is that I want to work it out.

She told me after I had cheated that one of her big problems was thatif it had been the other way around, I never would have given her another chance. We both have some trust issues, hers stemming from some childhood difficulties and my infidelities. Mine, I dont know what from.

She took everything and moved back in with her dad yesterday, she is just so angry right now and it is hard for me to understand why. There are tons of details left out but I was just feeling like I needed to communicate this again somehow and let out my feelings.

I'm going to try to use this to get my shit together financially and keep improving myself. The first time we split was when I decided to start getting in shape. I really hope that one day we can work things out and I cen be for her what she has been for me, everything.

[Mr I]

Sorry to hear that bro, I'm no expert but don't go to the dark side on this and get all let your mind start spirraling, keep your shit together. You have had nearly five years together so its a big deal for both of you. It sounds like your making alot of allowances for her actions, thats fine but don't let it dent your confidence. Take your time, get your shit together, she knows where you are

[JUICE]

Damn brother, sorry to hear that man.

I went through the same thing with my ex of 4 years. Everything was going great but I dont know things werent going right. Also my temper, my jealousy, etc had alot to do with it. No ambitions on me at all, nada.

Yeah same thing, my ex was angry at me for the first couple of months, which she didnt wanna talk to me at all. Now things seemed kinda cool, shes calling more, inviting me to places, etc.

But bro, just keep busy man, do your things, workout, go out once in a while to chill with friends, just keep busy man. Dont think about it too much cause thats when it kills u the most. I went through alot of pain knowing my ex had left me, but realized that i was only killing myself just thinking about it and blaming myself. Im doing great for now, finishing school, a new job in progress, working out, and shes slowly coming back. Just see how it goes bro, but i wish u the best amigo.

[redsquirrel]

ROCK-

Here is why she's so angry-

Cheating for women is very different than for men.. I'm not saying that women don't cheat, women mostly cheat for emotional reasons though. Whereas men cheat because of physical reasons.

So here's what she sees: You cheated on her 1 year ago because she wasn't pretty enough or good enough for you NOT cheat on. (Physical) She feels betrayed with your trust, obviously, and now has to wonder EVERY time you go out alone; if it's going to happen again. She may have forgiven you , but she will never forget.

She also meets some guy who probably made her laugh and they had a good time together. BIG deal. So she talked on a personal level to another guy, who cares? (Personal) You cheated on her, and now you're accusing her of the same??

So, she doesn't tell you about this guy because of the way you'd react. And from what I can tell, it wasn't good...So, what incentive or reason would she have to go into any detail with you?

By your reaction to it all, it may have made her feel like you wouldn't believe her anyway, so she's not going to win if she tells yout he truth or not. My guess would be she didn't cheat....but she's also not going to come running home to you and say "I met this really great guy on my trip. He really seems to understand me!" And by your obvious assumption that she cheated, doesn't help you or her understand what the true problems are.

[Puddles]

5 years is a lot of history together. If you two are friends as well as lovers, if you're truly partners, you may be able to resolve things.

Relationships aren't just black and white. We all make mistakes. Hopefully you both have learned a lot and when given some time for feelings to calm down, maybe things can work out.

Learn from the mistakes of the past and do not repeat them.

I've been married 22 yrs. in September and while we've both made some mistakes through the years, the friendship and love we have for one another has allowed us to overcome the stupid things we've done.

Communication is so very important in relationships. Men tend to hold things in when they're not going their way. Women tend to read too much into things that just aren't there. If we can both just state facts to one another, then get into how they affect our feelings (without putting blame on the other person), things go much more smoothly. After all, we are truly responsible for our own feelings...it is how we perceive things that throws things out of wack much of the time...gotta look through the other person's eyes as well.

Wishing you the best.

[ROCKILLER]

Thank you guys for all your kind words and support. It really does help to have some opinions of people who arent biased. Just to explain a little more, I'm very stubborn and I dont change easily but last time when she left I really did learn my lesson. The problem is I continued to slip in the other areas. I have really made an effort not to be out alone just so that she knows that its OK and I want to be with her. I keep coming up with little ways that I would truly be an asshole. I just didnt see it. The thing is, I would do anything for her. I would do anything for a chance to work things out. Maybe go to counseling for our problems. We both have some issues together and seperately. I asked about that before and I thought she might agree being that she is a psych major and will most likely become some type of counselor.

Thanks again for all the help. I saw her the next day when she came to pick up her car and she was happy shat I had fixed and washed it (something I told her I would do a long time ago). She gave me a hug and I told her I knew it was hard for her too. She agreed. It made me a little happy but I'm still anxious and I'm nauseous all day whether I eat or not. Then yesterday I didnt contact her at all. Today I called and when she calls back I'm going to ask her to stop by so we can sort out some more of the finances. I want her to know that I'm seriously getting my situation together. Also my mom, who treated her like her own, wants to talk to her.....Well, I just talked to her. She was civil but distant. She will probably come by later and she does not want to talk to my mom but I'm not sure what will happen. Her and I live in a house behind my parents where we only pay the utilities since my mom said I could live rent free until I finish school. She has lived there and had my mom cook for her and take us out to dinner and take care of us all of this time. I dont want to go into it but her mom is not really in the picture. I have only met her twice and my girl see's her 2 or 3 times a year. She only lives 8 miles away.

I guess I rambled again. I just cant stop thinking about her.

[Mr I]

You live rent free and your pissed off, drop it man, chin up and don't wollow or I'll come over there and shoot you in the face.

Do some stuff, go some places other than your normal routine, have some stuff to talk about incase she asks other than ooooooohhh I'm sory I cheated etc

[ROCKILLER]

Tea, I'm almost 25 and I still have 3 more years of school. My parents said I could stay as long as I'm in school. The sad part is, I have just lately come to fully appreciate the things my mom especially has done for me. I guess I'm finally really growing up. Youre right, I need to man up a bit. I'll keep that in mind.

[ROCKILLER]

Thanks Rado, its probably better that way anyways.

[Primal Instinct]

I am sorry to hear for your troubles, Rockiller. 5 years is a long time to just forget. Perhaps some time apart will do the both of you some good. I know that it's eassier said than done but try to remain positive and get your life in order. Women HATE to see when a guy is commiserating and it only reinforces their belief in the decision to stay apart. That doesn't mean that you should pretend that things are better without her but you get the idea. Work on your weak areas and no matter what, you will be a better person for it. Since you were her first long term relationship, she may need some time to check things out and see how it can be with other guys. This is really tough to bear but you need to give her this space otherwise you'll drive her away from you further. Try to understand that side of the relationship and things will be more likely to work out for the best in the end. Chin up, Rock!


Red and Puddles have made some excellent points that guys don't usually consider. This type of insight is invaluable since they are telling it from a woman's perspective who have no personal involvement in your situation. You can't begin to believe how rare that is because usually female opinions are often sought from friends of the girlfriend and can be biased and sometimes as a result, even fatal to a relationship.

[ROCKILLER]

Thanks PI, I totally agree with you, especially about the comments from the female side.

Just to update and to vent my emotions a little. She came by yesterday so we could sort out finances a little more and we talked for over an hour. She really needs some time apart and I realize more and more that she has some really big issues as well. I talked to her about my goals and told her about how I wished we would talk more and if we do get together ever, we will talk, every day. I thought I knew how important communication was and I also thought that I was doing enough because I did what she asked. One thing that sticks is she mentioned making food for me, lunches and stuff for the next day. I never did that for her. She said it would have meant so much if I had done things like that without her asking. Then my mom sat down with her for a while. My family lives right next to me and my girl had been like a daughter to her. My mom was really mad at her about everything; the fact that she did this while the family was on vacation, that she had seemed to have planned it, that she wouldnt fess up to anything about this other guy, that she got so angry when I kept calling to see if she was alright when we were away. My ex told me that she was over me and she didnt want to work it out. She told my mom that she still loved me. I dont know what to think about that.

We also talked about counseling and she said it only works if both people want it to work and she doesnt want to try, she says she is over trying. Right not I am looking into some counseling for myself. A little to get a handle on this situation and also to learn to control my anger and to improve myself. She told me what makes her so angry some times is how she is smothered and we dont give her space. I'm not going to contact her. It is really hard and its only been 14 hours or so but its all I can do.

I really do love her and I want her to be happy more than anything.

Thanks again everybody.

[Control]

Let her go. It sounds like the relationship is over and probably should have been over awhile ago. Take what you've learned from it and move on.

[xxxkazxxx]

I was with my daughters dad for 10 years. He had cheated on me during the relationship too. I didnt think that was the cause of any problems, because she was nothing or no-one & I did know he loved me. I believed I forgave and forgot. But now I look back, I realise the time that we really went bad, was when i no longer trusted or respected him. My attitude changed. So it was never gonna work from that point no matter how much we loved each other.

If you have to go and see counsellers and try hard everyday to make your relationship work, then I believe you arnt with the right person. You might love them and care about them & have happy times, but you have to live everyday with this person. Things like trust & respect are a must in a relationship & when they are broken, say hello to nothing but the problem road! To forgive is to forget. And how many people do you know, who say they have forgiven for something, but bring the topic up at some point? No matter how long later! The reason being, unless you get dimentia, you can't truly forget. And therefor never truly forgive. So things are never the same! Maybe tolerable, even liveable, but never the same!

When I split from my ex, I spent at least 6 weeks on the kitchen floor in tears & with my head down the toilet. The only time I left the house was to take my daughter to school. I don't even remember breathing at the time. I didnt think life went on. But its almost 3 years later & guess what? It did go on! I still love him, he is my daughters father, but now I can love him & dont have to put up with his shit.

Time invested into a relationship granted. It's not easy to walk away. But if you have tried more than once to make it work happily and it hasnt, well you cant get that time back and exchange it for happiness. And life is only so long. Also remember, you really dont want to be in a relationship if the other person is not 100% into it also. Absolutely pointless!

[coffee-guy]

I was with my daughters dad for 10 years. He had cheated on me during the relationship too. I didnt think that was the cause of any problems, because she was nothing or no-one & I did know he loved me. I believed I forgave and forgot. But now I look back, I realise the time that we really went bad, was when i no longer trusted or respected him. My attitude changed. So it was never gonna work from that point no matter how much we loved each other.

If you have to go and see counsellers and try hard everyday to make your relationship work, then I believe you arnt with the right person. You might love them and care about them & have happy times, but you have to live everyday with this person. Things like trust & respect are a must in a relationship & when they are broken, say hello to nothing but the problem road! To forgive is to forget. And how many people do you know, who say they have forgiven for something, but bring the topic up at some point? No matter how long later! The reason being, unless you get dimentia, you can't truly forget. And therefor never truly forgive. So things are never the same! Maybe tolerable, even liveable, but never the same!

When I split from my ex, I spent at least 6 weeks on the kitchen floor in tears & with my head down the toilet. The only time I left the house was to take my daughter to school. I don't even remember breathing at the time. I didnt think life went on. But its almost 3 years later & guess what? It did go on! I still love him, he is my daughters father, but now I can love him & dont have to put up with his shit.

Time invested into a relationship granted. It's not easy to walk away. But if you have tried more than once to make it work happily and it hasnt, well you cant get that time back and exchange it for happiness. And life is only so long. Also remember, you really dont want to be in a relationship if the other person is not 100% into it also. Absolutely pointless!

Damn good post/advice - I don't think it could be said any better...

[bonebreaker]

I was with my daughters dad for 10 years. He had cheated on me during the relationship too. I didnt think that was the cause of any problems, because she was nothing or no-one & I did know he loved me. I believed I forgave and forgot. But now I look back, I realise the time that we really went bad, was when i no longer trusted or respected him. My attitude changed. So it was never gonna work from that point no matter how much we loved each other.

If you have to go and see counsellers and try hard everyday to make your relationship work, then I believe you arnt with the right person. You might love them and care about them & have happy times, but you have to live everyday with this person. Things like trust & respect are a must in a relationship & when they are broken, say hello to nothing but the problem road! To forgive is to forget. And how many people do you know, who say they have forgiven for something, but bring the topic up at some point? No matter how long later! The reason being, unless you get dimentia, you can't truly forget. And therefor never truly forgive. So things are never the same! Maybe tolerable, even liveable, but never the same!

When I split from my ex, I spent at least 6 weeks on the kitchen floor in tears & with my head down the toilet. The only time I left the house was to take my daughter to school. I don't even remember breathing at the time. I didnt think life went on. But its almost 3 years later & guess what? It did go on! I still love him, he is my daughters father, but now I can love him & dont have to put up with his shit.

Time invested into a relationship granted. It's not easy to walk away. But if you have tried more than once to make it work happily and it hasnt, well you cant get that time back and exchange it for happiness. And life is only so long. Also remember, you really dont want to be in a relationship if the other person is not 100% into it also. Absolutely pointless!

You say that you "forgave and forgot". I truly doubt that, you might have forgiven, but something like that will, and cannot be, ever forgotton. When a mate cheats, it's a horrible experience for the other, man or woman. It would be awesome if someone could truly forget, but in reality that is not a possibility. I believe that's beyond the human capability. Sure, as time goes by, it might not "sting" as bad, but it can never be total erased from memory. That, in my opinion, is why, before someone cheats on their mate, they should always think the other party WILL find out and be willing to face what ever consequences, usually bad ones, will come from their actions. I've done it before, and have had it done to me. I know I hurt someone deeply, but as they say "what goes around comes around", and thus, I got my just reward. Believe me, I am old enough to be most of your dads, so I have been hurt many, many years ago, 30 or so, and I still have that pain in my mind. Yes, it's tolerable, but it's still there after those 30 years. IT NEVER, EVER TOTALLY GOES AWAY. BB