Ok, I need everyone's advice here...

[FitnessBrat]

Not sure I get what you're talking about here. If I'm taking it the way I think it's intended, I don't agree, really.

While I can understand what you're saying- it makes me angry that she's hurting my husband, and potentially my daughter- which in turn hurts me. So, yes- I'm angry that she is doing that to us. I thought this would be a happy time.

And FB- it's easier said than done. It would be different had she not given a $hit from the get-go. But, the 180 is what is most upsetting. I'm not asking for her to like me- I really couldn't care less. While your situation is similar, and while it is the in-laws' loss, we are still married...my parents and his parents both are all still married. So, it's not like we have any broken ties where people would be uncomfortable.

Scrum- thanks for the advice. It's good to know she won't be scarred or feel she did something wrong when she gets older. See, I was always just about equally close with both sets of my grandparents, they visited or we visited pretty evenly. So, it is very difficult for me to understand this- and since my mom is so attentive, and his mom pretended when I was pregnant that she would be attentive, and she's almost non existent.

My separation has nothing to do with it though, so trust me, I can relate. When my daughter was first born (almost 13 years ago) my husband confronted his family about similar things (the way they treated me, etc) - they didn't speak for a year after that. Which meant they didn't see their granddaughter the whole first year of her life. The bottom line, point I'm trying to make, is that those types of people that need everything on their terms, are selfish. You can not change them, and you will waste so much time worrying about it. Yes, it's shitty and it's hurtful. I get so pissed that my children have grandparents in the same county, yet they don't care to see them? Wtf, seems like insanity.

Don't let her get the best of you and your family. Ignore her, she'll come around....or she won't.

[Bouncer]

Agreed. And, by saying something to her would only reiterate the fact that she got to me- and that's exactly what she wants- the things she does are done in spite, and to get a reaction from me. Point taken. :)

yea! you got it.

smile at her. be nice. let her feel that she has had no effect on you at all! she will be pissed!

[bigscott]

myself i would just cut her out of my life !!! its not that hard trust me !! life moves on and the less negative stuff in your life the better -

imo sonis needs to step up and tell mom to stop being such a bitch and if she doesnt cut her off - no holidays , birthdays etc etc etc -- move on with your familys life thats the most important

[redsquirrel]

Thanks for more info, FB. Good to know it happens all over. And, you're right- it does hurt. The fact that she IS so selfish, has been prevalent since we first got together 10 years ago. Why I thought a grandchild would changed that, I really don't know now. It was probably because of her fake ass bullshit she would carry on about when I was pregnant.

B- That's the advice my mom used to give me- "Kill them with kindness". LOL

Scott- While I totally agree that's what needs to be done by sonis...Although equally shitty; he's afraid (actually I think he knows), that if he does say that to her, she won't speak to him for several months...or god knows how long. I think he's afraid that if he really brings it on down, he won't like what he hears, and will be more hurt had he not said anything and just dealt with her bullshit.

Rado- it's not that I would use the word "hate" when describing how I feel about them. I hate how they act. My FIL is just as guilty- he sure as shit doesn't make an effort. My mom goes on and on about how she just can't understand it. You know, maybe I wouldn't be so bitter if she at least called maybe once a week and asked how Kenley was doing. Instead- if sonis posts some pics on Facebook, she'll put some fake ass shit up there like "Oh, there's my cutie pie. Love, Grannie & Pops XOXOXOXO. BARF

[Shibby]

Here's my 2 cents.

Psychology would say that she is having trouble to the shifting of the dynamics (roles). Before the baby was actually born, Sonis' family was his parents and brother and you were his wife. Nothing connecting you and Sonis other than a commitment. A commitment that has no guarantees. Now no matter what happens, you and Sonis will be forever connected. When he uses the word family now it will be implied he is talking about you and your daughter; unless he specifies. When she is in her house, she is the head woman. When she is in your house, you are the head woman. Your house now revolves around the new family created and she is not "immediate" family.

What to do about it:

Don't try to do anything (cut out/make it work). Just go about your lives. Let her cut herself out if it's going to happen (which sounds inevitable). Plan as if she isn't going to show up, but don't hide things from her. If she shows up, worry about that moment. If she doesn't then no surprise. She will have no one to blame but herself on any level. If something is going on at her house and you want to be with other people there, go and enjoy those people. Don't cut yourself out either.

Before my first son was born, I hadn't talk to my dad in a little over two years. There were some major personality conflict and difficulty with him being my father now instead of my dad. I no longer needed to be raised, I needed someone to pass on his life lessons where applicable. He's a control freak so relinquishing complete control of my actions and decisions was difficult for him. When my son was born I made casual contact by including him in my mass email about my son being born. So I left as a single 24 year old still trying to make it in life and figure out what I wanted. I returned with a son (his first grandchild). I didn't do it to try and get my father back. I did it to give my son an opportunity to have his grandfather because I had a great relationship with mine. I wanted that for him. It's taken a lot of time to redevelop our relationship with the new dynamics. It's still going slowly, but I still don't talk to him much, nor does my oldest son (who talks to my mom at least weekly). He is always difficult to get a hold of (workaholic) so if I have something to share I call him. He usually doesn't answer so I leave a message. If he calls back I will answer if I have time, otherwise he can wait. The whole point of talking about my dad is to show how he keeps himself mostly disconnected from my family and I don't stress over handling it.