I need some serious advice re: alcoholism

[Irishgirl]

First let me apologize for this being so long!

Alright I really hate to spill my problems to a bunch of strangers, but I could really use some advice here. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I moved out at 17, to move in with a guy I had been with for 2 months just to get away from it all. Only my dad was drinking at the time though. Since then, my mom has started, but since I don't live there, I really don't know how bad it is, but from what I see it's pretty bad. I'd say she's worse than him, but I'd just be saying that because I'm used to seeing him drinking ALL the time.

He went to rehab once while I lived there, but called my mom and said they made him sleep on a concrete floor, no blankets, etc (a lie to get her to let him home). My whole family knows there is a problem, my dad's sister has tried to do the confrontation thing before (her and her husband are psychiatrists and very easygoing, know alot about the situation, etc), but he found out and got pissed. Since then though, my mom has only gotten worse and I'm not even sure the family realizes this. There's no way either one of them is going to stop if the other doesn't, and I highly highly doubt either of them ever will until something tragic happens. They both drive while or after drinking too, and one of my aunts won't let my mom pick up her kids at school like she used to because of this.

The worst part is that I have 3 younger sisters, and now a niece that live there as well. They are 18, 13, 11 and 1.5. The 18 yr old is old enough to be able to handle it on her own, and she tends to keep her daughter away from it. The 13 year old on the other hand is another story. She just called me at work to say "I hate mom" and when I ask why, she says "Cuz she's an alcoholic". Now I don't know what has happened today, but it's 4pm and she's drunk already. ( I could hear her in the backround and tell by her voice) I've slept over there on Xmas, to get up at 7am to open presents, and she's drinking already.

In a way, I just want this to stop, but I know it's not going to without some kind of intervention. I could talk to my grandparents, or the aunt/uncle that I said tried to set one up before, but I don't want my parents pissed at me, even though in the end I know they will know it was for their own good (and my sisters as well). My mom has tried to quit several times, sometimes for months at a time, but with my dad drinking and the stress of that, it never lasts.

Sorry this is so long, I'm actually thinking of just x'ing out the message, but I guess I'd really like to get some advice, see if anyone else has gone through this, and how you can make them realize how much their alcoholism affects the entire family. It's not like it's a secret, so talking to a family member isn't a huge issue, it's just that I HATE confrontation and I'd hate to be the "ringleader", but I know there's really no other choice.

Thanks for reading everyone

[teekahty]

I hope things get better .. My advice is to call a professional in your area .. it sounds like in your post you know what is going to have to happen you just need to get up the courage to do it... Good luck to you!

[andy420]

Honestly confrontation might be the only thing that you can do, maybe get ur aunt and uncle involved as well I wish I have an answer for ur troubles but I don't all I can do is pray that you get through this, which to me sounds like your a strong woman and you will get through this.

[bigjim33]

i agree with the above two...good luck babe, be strong!

[speedracer59]

My dad is a drug addict/alcohlic. He has been clean for 11 years but when he was on it was hell. I learned that they dont usually quit until they want to. It usually happens when they hit bottom. My old man sure did. I think if someone is going to talk to them it is best to be a close friend of theirs. They dont usually want to listen to family. This is not written in books or anything but is what seemed to help my dad. You cant be afraid to hurt thier feelings if you talk to them. It will fel like someone cuts you with a knif but it helps in the long run to tell them how you feel. I let my dad have it when I was 16. He had been using drugs since I was 12 adn drinking my whole life. It was one of the toughest things I ever did, but he put my little brother in alot of danger and I had to draw the line. Icussed him like a dog and grabbed him by the neck. I almost knocked the hell out of him. I just had enough. I wish I would have done it earlier. I always worried that if I confronted him he would get mad or get worse.It was the exact opposite. Sorry Im rambleing but I have sort of a soft spot for people in those situations. Just remember, no matter how bad they get dont let it be your problem and drag you down. Offer help, advise etc but dont let their problems enterfear with your life. Keeping this in mind always seemed to help me, no matter how bad I thought I had it all I had to do was look around. Someone always has it alot worse.

[Stonecold54]

IG, even though a lot of the processes of family court bug me, I do believe in your situation that you should handle this legally. your sisters and niece don't deserve to be with people that drink. Could you or other family help them with places to stay? If you can help them both finacially and with places to stay it would be a good idea to file for custody against your parents. THAT would be a wakeup call and the courts could order them to get clean. Other than that unless someone is able to help you finacially to get those kids out of there, there is not much you can do. professionals only help when the people want to be helped. the law is for people that won't accept help but are compelled to with threat of jail or custody being taken away.

[Puddles]

Hang in there and be the tough one, IG! My father was an alcoholic too but fortunately, he quit on his own when I was still young.

Don't be afraid of your parents getting pissed off at you. Actually, you should just expect it. But...in the long run it's all you can to to help guide them in the right direction. You and your siblings should go to AA and find out what to do. Don't have it all on your lap...get them as involved as possible. I know there are support groups for the family members, but try starting with AA to find the best ways to get the situation resolved.

There's no guaranteeing that you'll be able to convince your parents they need help but you've gotta try. If you succeed everyone will be so much better off.

A friend of mine recently went in for treatment (not sure which organization) and she's been sober for 2 months now. She was drinking daily and her husband would come home to find her passed out on the sofa while their 2 1/2 y.o. was playing on the floor in front of her. My friend was hiding liquor in closets around the house...it got bad. Anyway, there was something that was mentioned about alcoholics having a chemical missing (in the brain I think) that leads them to drink to feel better. I can find out more if you want.

Best wishes to you and your family...I'll keep you in my thoughts.

And don't ever forget...children of alcoholics are much more pre-disposed to it themselves so keep an eye on yourself in the future.

[Blackdream71]

It's a tough situation my love, i'll be there for you just like i always am, we'll talk when i get there......;) :kiss:

[Blackdream71]

Originally posted by MrsPuddlesFL


And don't ever forget...children of alcoholics are much more pre-disposed to it themselves so keep an eye on yourself in the future.

This is what i always try and tell her, but who am i to preach i did the same shit when i was younger, getting so drunk i don't even remember getting home, it's very easy to fall into the alcoholic trap unfortunately........:(

[Puddles]

Originally posted by Blackdream71
This is what i always try and tell her, but who am i to preach i did the same shit when i was younger, getting so drunk i don't even remember getting home, it's very easy to fall into the alcoholic trap unfortunately........:(

I did that a lot when I was younger too. Then I got scared because it's frightening not remembering stuff. Usually I'm fine and if I go out will just order 2 or 3 and that's it, but if my husband is with me, I'm feeling more secure and sometimes will over-do it. If he notices where I'm headed he'll cut me off thankfully. I don't even know that I'm drunk...can't tell the difference from being buzzed to drunk until it's too late. I would imagine if I was not with my husband I would have wound up leading a much different life. I love the buzz from drinking and other things...he keeps it under control.

[Irishgirl]

Thanks everyone. I truely don't want to have my sisters taken away from my parents, I honestly don't think that would help anyone at this stage in time. I do think Al-Anon or something like that would be good. If my parents see that I'm taking my sisters to seek help for THEIR problem and how it's affecting us, maybe they will want to do something about it. I know my mom does, I just don't think she's strong enough to do it right now. I'm not sure my 18 yr old sister would go for it, but I can talk to her and see what she says. She's like me, she'd rather just go stay at her bf's house than see them drunk, but she's got to realize too that she's leaving her 2 younger sisters behind as well.

[Irishgirl]

Originally posted by Blackdream71
It's a tough situation my love, i'll be there for you just like i always am, we'll talk when i get there......;) :kiss:

Can't wait to see you honey. Thanks ;)

:kiss:

[dot1]

IG, Intervention is an option. I had a similar experience with my dad. He finally quit drinking after a fisical fight with me in front of my girlfriend (now wife). That was 20 years ago. I have seen him twice since then, my wedding and after my son was born. He did not come to see daughter (first born). I have come to an understanding with myself, I love him, but understand the problems associated with the problem. Could write for days on this. Let me know if you want more info on my experiences with parents.

dot1

[Taleigh21]

My dad is an alcoholic too. I was reading your post and what your saying is exactly what my sibling and I experienced for the past two years. My parents got divorced and my dad started drinking, because he was stressed out and started calling in sick for work, and things got crazy around home.

He started going out all the time, comming back home drunk and continuing to drink all night long. I have seen him trip down the stairs, heard him fall out of bed, and sometimes he would get up and make a bunch of food and leave it all sitting out on the counter with the frying pan still turned on. Worst of all, he took the entire summer off work as he had compiled sick days, and drank all summer long. I had gone away for the summer and my sister lived at home with him. He never cut the grass, took out the trash or did anything around home, he even forgot to let the dog out and she did all her business inside!

I was so mad at him, and mostly when my sister would call me 12 hours away, and cry to me on the phone. My dad probably didnt leave the house unless it was to get booze, and he never got dressed all day long, he just spent the day in the house with a housecoat on and a drink, he claimed it was coke. Right.

The thing that people dont understand (who havent experienced alcoholism first hand) is that, you cant make them quit or make them go to AA if they dont want to do it for themselves. YOU CANT FORCE THEM to do anything, because if they dont want it, they wont. There were so many times when we just yelled at him, cried and pleaded for him to stop for his kids sake and for his families. He even showed up at my sisters graduation DRUNK and embarrassed us all.

Irishgirl, you know what Im talking about Im sure, keep in mind you cant force them to change, but make them aware of who cares about them and who they have to live for. My dad thought that it was his problem, but my sister and I were stressed out too because of it. We literally yelled at him and cried our eyes out, telling him he was killing himself and that we wanted him to be there for everything that we have yet to experience.

Finally, he sobered up, which was quite a process, where he stayed in bed for weeks and was all shaky and sick. Still though, I know he drinks, but not like he did before although I know he can return to being really bad again. When he was sobering up, he gave us hugs and had tears in his eyes because he knew he had a problem and it was hurting us all.

I also agree with taking yourself and your siblings to Al-Anon, which is a support group for people affected by those who drink. I thought about going myself and taking my two younger sister with me, just for a support system much like we are trying to provide for you here. You are just like me, nurturing like a mother and looking out for your siblings, I too tried to protect them from the emotional damage my dad was causing us all. I remember crying because I couldnt fix the problem of his drinking.

Good luck with it all, hopefully some of our advice helps you.

[Irishgirl]

Thanks so much everyone, especially Taleigh for sharing your story. It helps to hear what others have gone through, and how things have worked out for them. I'd hate to think of never talking to my dad again, I know my mom wouldn't let that happen, and I doubt he would either actually, but if that has to be the case until he realizes what he has the potential to lose because of drinking, then so be it.