Emails from an asshole.

[Bouncer]

yup, same here.

fleet of suburbans picking up the kid, she gets in to a different one each time and they speed away. lmfao

[Bouncer]

Original ad:
Need your lawn mowed? I own a Ride-on mower and offer professional mowing for an affordable price. Price is generally $30 per hour based on services. I offer discounts for larger plots of land. E-mail or call me to discuss.


From Me to ***************@gmail.com:

Hey,

My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.

From Me to Rob *****:

Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why do you need me to sign a waiver?

From Me to Rob *****:

The last couple of dumbass landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my ass so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.

From Me to Rob *****:

Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.

The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.

From Me to Rob *****:

Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.

From Me to Rob *****:

You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are the jackass for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.

From Me to Rob *****:

Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little bitch about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, suck it up and do your job.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Dear Mike,

Fuck you.

Rob

[Bouncer]

Original ad:
Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Hello,

I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone.

I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers.

Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your fucking ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man.

To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw.

So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck.

Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go fuck yourself.

[Bouncer]

:lmao:

Clydesdale Needs A Home

RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me

RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

HELL NO!!!

[dna9488]

Dude i am tears. All of those were hilarious. The rocks one had me crying. That was too damn good.

[Bouncer]

Original ad:
FREE COUCH! i have a free plaid couch on the curb outside my house. the address is 39 ******* rd come and get it!


From Mike Anderson to **********@*******.org

Hey. I am tired of driving down ******* and seeing your ugly couch. It is ruining the neighborhood. What the hell were you thinking when you bought that? Nobody is going to want that thing! It better not be there when I drive past tomorrow.

From ************@gmail.com to Me

if you dont like it why dont u come and fuckin get it. tough shit if u dont like seeing it. its only been out there 1 day!

From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com

One day too many. I don't want your shitty couch. Maybe I would if I was a Scottish guy living in the 70's, but I'm not. That couch looks like what would happen if a parrot and a rhino fucked and had a freak baby, and then that baby grew up and then took a shit on your curb. Why don't you pay someone to haul that piece of shit away?

From ************@gmail.com to Me

fuck you buddy! tough shit. drive a different way

From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com

I like going that way because it is scenic. Well, at least it was until you put that pile of shit out there. If it is stil there tomorrow, I am going to come back during the night and cement it to your driveway.

From ************@gmail.com to Me

COME AND TRY IT MOTHERFUCKER ILL BE WAITING

[FitnessBrat]

lol thats the best one so far

[Bouncer]

Missed Connections

Original ad:
i saw you outside market east station. you were getting into a red ford truck. i was wearing a yellow shirt and had dirty blonde hair. our eyes met and we smiled. i hope you find me so we can meet up :)


From Mike Anderson to *********@***********.org

That was me. I don't know why you thought we had a moment. I was smiling because of how disgustingly fat you were. I was trying to hold back laughter as I got into my truck. When I got in I just fucking lost it. Dirty blonde hair? Try dirty, grease-soaked hair.

From Chelsea ******** to Me

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!