How can I learn to be a bad-ass?

[Malbolgia]

...

[stormshadow]

Originally posted by Malbolgia
Maybe you really are too nice, but that dosen't mean that you have to become this macho-shithead. However... I think it might be a good idea to be a little bit harder on your wife. Don't start a fight with her, but tell her that you know about this other dude and that it pisses you off.
Take a stand and make her aware of it. Maybe that's the kind of tough you're really lacking? Maybe she just wants you to show her that you care (by stopping her from doing that shit.)
She's probably aware of your love and all, but that's not the same. If you don't make her understand that she's affects your life she might feel that your love for her is... wel... kinda empty. Am I making any sense? (If I'm not, then is it because of my spelling? :D)

I totally agree with this...I would start here. Maybe she wants you to be a little possessive. I'm not talking nice guy pussy whipped possessive, but the macho "You are NOT going to see this other guy" Maybe she feels that your love for her is not very strong because you are not giving off that alpha male dominance and letting her know that she is yours, and nobody is gonna take her from you unless you say so.

I would start with this first and see where it goes. If nothing changes then just give her space and give her a deadline to make up her mind.

one more thing DON'T BE A FUCKING IDIOT LIKE 99% OF THE MEN OUT THERE. GET A GODDAMN PI AND GET SOME PHOTOS IF SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU.

[Puddles]

fl8me, don't try to change yourself to please anyone else. We've talked off and on for a while and you've got much to be proud of. If your wife can't see what a catch she already has in you, then let her find out the hard way with this looser. Your open relationship with your wife was based on trust but it's obvious that she wasn't ready to handle it if she's really fallen for another guy like this. It's not due to something you've done or not done, but it's due to her own issues. Being with someone new is always fun and exciting, but nothing compares to the warmth and tenderness of a LTR and if she's blinded right now and can't see that, it's her loss. Stay strong as you deal with the emotions and heart break right now. I know you love her so obviously you need to do some serious communication with her to try to resolve the issues and mend your marriage, but if it doesn't work out, don't you go trying to change yourself to please her...you are who you are and there will be someone else out there who will love you and appreciate you just as you are. I wish you lots of luck and strength through this ordeal. :kiss:

[rvgfrth4g]

If you're loaded go buy a badass car and tear up the streets. But don't change your personality though. When you get the car go off cruising more. It'll make her wonder what the hell your doing. And maybe that'll give her a little chase. Buy something like a brand new Camaro SS or a Vette.

[trip]

Originally posted by Malbolgia
Maybe you really are too nice, but that dosen't mean that you have to become this macho-shithead. However... I think it might be a good idea to be a little bit harder on your wife. Don't start a fight with her, but tell her that you know about this other dude and that it pisses you off.
Take a stand and make her aware of it. Maybe that's the kind of tough you're really lacking? Maybe she just wants you to show her that you care (by stopping her from doing that shit.)
She's probably aware of your love and all, but that's not the same. If you don't make her understand that she's affects your life she might feel that your love for her is... wel... kinda empty. Am I making any sense? (If I'm not, then is it because of my spelling? :D)

Mal,

Excellent post, agree 100%.

Realize this is what I kind of do for a living, so have seen this stuff before, very similar stories.

Best guess would be YOU ARE 100% NON-CONFRONTATIONAL IN ALMOST ALL SITUATIONS.

People see your being non-confrontational as kindness, so that's what you think it is is kindness. It's really you have a great tendency to be non-confrontational in all situations.

Reason why folks do this is because they FEEL if they voice their own feelings and opinions people will disagree and then a fight will ensue, and your believe is that the fight will lead to a much worse off situation, so you keep your mouth quite and accept the pain of horrible situations.

The other thing that happens is because a person is non-confrontattional everyone thinks everything is okay with you, and then one day, out of the blue you express these deep pent up feelings which freak people out because they came out of the blue, no social signals were given as to how they felt, most signals they put out are all is oaky, so very disturbing for other party.

Also, folks that are non-confrontational tend to be passive in relationships, meaning they go with flow yet do not take actions to make things better.

There's lot's of stuff like this.

Bottom line is people that are non-confrontational have difficulty with boundaries. There thinking tends to go like this, hmmmmmm, "If I could elminate this feeling I have all would be okay", guess what though, we all have feelings and most of us deal with them, the non-confrontational person believes certain feelings should be avoided, this starts a vicisous circle of avoiding all kinds of stuff.

Please not, if this is you, fear not, you have done many great things, great kids, great job, you are very kind, and I'll take kindness over any other trait anyday, it takes tons of courage to be kind, any idiot can be an asshole and hurt people so they feel better.

And you've posted cause you want to change. All of them are plus's. One of great things about non-confrontational people is that rather than their being 20 issues to deal with emotionally and fix, there is only one, the non-confrontational thing, and once that is overcome, through understanding, awareness, creating new believe systems, everything is so much better and easier, alot quicker.

Wish You Luck
Hoped This Helped

[hitmansb]

Wrath is right about getting proof of infidelity and hiding as many of your assets as possible. If this is gonna blow up, make sure you're in the strongest position possible. Trust me, divorces aren't merely battles...they are WARS! I have a friend going through it right now...and it ain't pretty.

[trip]

FYI,

The reason why my guess is non-confrontational.

Because someone has done something horribly wrong and it is their repsonsibility to fix it, yet, for some reason you believe it is your responsibility.

Like someone just robbed a bank, and rather than say, stop, don't pass go, don't collect 200 dollars, you have now, by robbing the bank, earned the right to go to jail

The non-confrontational person looks for ways to fix it, ie, helping the robber get away with it.

Which rarely works.

[fl8meplz]

Originally posted by MrsPuddlesFL
fl8me, don't try to change yourself to please anyone else. We've talked off and on for a while and you've got much to be proud of. If your wife can't see what a catch she already has in you, then let her find out the hard way with this looser. Your open relationship with your wife was based on trust but it's obvious that she wasn't ready to handle it if she's really fallen for another guy like this. It's not due to something you've done or not done, but it's due to her own issues. Being with someone new is always fun and exciting, but nothing compares to the warmth and tenderness of a LTR and if she's blinded right now and can't see that, it's her loss. Stay strong as you deal with the emotions and heart break right now. I know you love her so obviously you need to do some serious communication with her to try to resolve the issues and mend your marriage, but if it doesn't work out, don't you go trying to change yourself to please her...you are who you are and there will be someone else out there who will love you and appreciate you just as you are. I wish you lots of luck and strength through this ordeal. :kiss:

Hi Mrs. P,

I appreciate your chiming in since you have a lot of background on the situation. It's been several days since things really hit me hard and now after reading everyones posts and especially yours I think I have my hands around the situation and feel better.

I have talked to her quite a bit about what I have feared over the last couple of weeks. What I have found is that I have been seeing what I feared instead of the truth. I think anyone would have done this if they were in my shoes.

During the weeks leading up to her out of town trip to visit the guy she had told me that he got a part-time job bouncing at a bar. That gave me a mental image that the guy was the type that exuded confidence and power and could walk into a room and make people back up. I don't feel I can do this - even though I am a bigger guy - so I started feeling inferior. Then I heard he was working in construction. I don't know how many construction workers you know or if any on here are, but around our part of the country the words 'timid' and construction worker are never side-by-side. Another blow to my self-esteem. She tells me he is planning on starting a tatoo business since he learned how to do it in prison in between lifting weights. So, by now, I am only concentrating on the image that she is hot for a guy who, by all accounts, is the roughest, toughest, meanest, cockiest S.O.B. on the planet. That combined with the longer phone calls leading up to the trip and the trip itself did me in. Open-marriage or not, this did not seem like something I could compete against.

After talking with my wife and telling her what was eating at me she put my head on straight. She told me that even though she enjoys talking with him that she doesn't have any romantic feelings at all for him. She says it's just sex and that is it. As you put it Mrs. P. I thought she was blinded and was drifting away from me, but she isn't. It's just new and exciting. She told me again that she loves me and will never leave me. What made it better was that she told me that he had started begging her to spend more time with him, but she told him that was not going to happen and to forget it and that if he started begging her to leave me, etc. that she would walk away from him without saying bye.

So, I panicked and should not have. I think all is well now. I appreciate everyones concern and thoughtful insight.

fl8meplz

[fl8meplz]

Originally posted by trip
FYI,

The reason why my guess is non-confrontational.

Because someone has done something horribly wrong and it is their repsonsibility to fix it, yet, for some reason you believe it is your responsibility.

Like someone just robbed a bank, and rather than say, stop, don't pass go, don't collect 200 dollars, you have now, by robbing the bank, earned the right to go to jail

The non-confrontational person looks for ways to fix it, ie, helping the robber get away with it.

Which rarely works.

Hey trip, you are right on the money about me. In most, but not all, situations I am this way. I really do want to change, but not if it means I become an asshole. Have you seen people 'cured' from being non-confrontational? Are they happier now? Is it a long process or something as simple as wearing a baseball cap backwards?

One of my parents was a manic-depressive alchoholic and I had to grow up dealing with that shit on a daily basis. So, my non-confrontational personality helped me survive. Maybe I was born that way - or maybe I developed it then. In either case, it sucks.

[Puddles]

I'm so glad it's not what you thought it was! :)

Very important lesson learned here...COMMUNICATION!

[trip]

Originally posted by fl8meplz
Hey trip, you are right on the money about me. In most, but not all, situations I am this way. I really do want to change, but not if it means I become an asshole. Have you seen people 'cured' from being non-confrontational? Are they happier now? Is it a long process or something as simple as wearing a baseball cap backwards?

One of my parents was a manic-depressive alchoholic and I had to grow up dealing with that shit on a daily basis. So, my non-confrontational personality helped me survive. Maybe I was born that way - or maybe I developed it then. In either case, it sucks.

fl8,

First off didn't know you were in an open marriage, that is a whole different situation, anyways maybe I read posts wrong.

You made an excellent self-analysis, yeah, that old image in the head can grow to bigger than real life proportions, happens to all of us fl8.

Up above, the answer to question is yes. And you've provided 1/2 of the equation in your answer. And no, it does not require being an asshole.

In all actuality it is a very simple thing, yet, the last thing you would ever guess, that is why it is hard to figure out.

Trip

[trip]

Mrs. P, excellent words as usual.

[dreamgirl]

fl8 I don't know if an open marriage is working for you. you may have thought it a good idea, but when I read about all the jealous feelings you have felt, I don't think you can handle that. you may want to re-think having an open marriage.

[fl8meplz]

Originally posted by dreamgirl
fl8 I don't know if an open marriage is working for you. you may have thought it a good idea, but when I read about all the jealous feelings you have felt, I don't think you can handle that. you may want to re-think having an open marriage.

I rethink it every day. It was not my idea, but it does have its benefits.

[Puddles]

Originally posted by fl8meplz
I rethink it every day. It was not my idea, but it does have its benefits.

If you're rethinking it daily, maybe you need some time off and have it just be the two of you again for a while. See how you feel and then make a decision to go back to it or not.