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EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current sequester, the Government has decided to implement a
scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times
as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Representative, who has been trained to give you all
the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the current sequester, the Government has decided to implement a
scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times
as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Representative, who has been trained to give you all
the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
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