letting go

[Bouncer]

By the way you worded the post I take it you cheated on him?

[trip]

Prescription for Healing

1. Go back and re-read your own posts on this subject .

2. Write down all you're thoughts on the subject .

Now, go back through all this stuff and see if it is true or not true .

All of your thoughts lean toward PREDICTING THE FUTURE , WHAT YOU THINK SHOULD HAPPEN .

That is a thought process that leads to massive amounts of pain, the pain of self-regret, shoulda woulda coulda , because everything you are emotionally relying on is in the future of what may be, you are setting irrational unrealistic expectations that have a minute chance of happening, thus your thought process of what you believe is setting you up for more pain and failure .

No one can predict the future, no one, not today, tommorrow or next year, yet your thoughts are leaning towards basing all of your emotional decisions on such of a foundation. Again, this will lead to disappointment and pain.

Concentrate on today, and what you can do that is positive today, ie, all the little things, and like all the posts say, time will heal the wounds.

Why is that? Because it is true, and here is how it works emotionally.

It is all based on the pyschological principle of: The Recency Effect

The Recency Effect: states that the most recent thing that happens is the most emotional.

The most recent thing that has happened to you is extremely painful . So, painful your joy will be limited in the immediate future.

As time goes on, little by little, and then bigger by bigger, the most recent things you feel will be a little joy, and then bigger joy, because some recent event will provide it, ie, your pay-off for taking positive actions.

Yup, that is how time heals all wounds.

Another trap folks fall into is PROJECTING YOUR FEELINGS ONTO OTHERS, rather than believing what they say, and what their actions say.

He has said it is over, his actions say it is over, yet, for some reason you chose to project what you want to believe and disregard what he says and does, again, this just sets you up for the pain of regret, because you're not paying attention to the red flags and the reality of the situation.

Take this time to better yourself . The only way to have a better relaitionship in the future is to better yourself. Maybe, get some couseling, ( like bouncer said, sounds like you cheated, possibility of their being some major issues their that need to be resolved ) , read some self help books, hit the gym, and believe it or not one of the quickest ways to feel better is to do some volunteer work, it is amazing how when you help people less fortunate you get a whole different perspective on your own struggles . ( there is the recency effect again, hmmm )

If you read all the posts and take them to heart what you learn is that everyone when looking back has used the experience as a chance to learn and grow more about life.

that is the choice you have before you, learn and grow from it, or avoid the emotions, compete with the emotions, or deny the emotions before you.

As a matter of fact their are four ways to deal with emtoins:

A. Avoid
B. Deny
C. Compete
D. Learn & Grow

So, now the choice is totally yours, you've read the posts, you've recieved some good advice .

Choice D, can lead you to happiness.

Choice A, B, & C lead to the probabilities of repeating the same mistake over and over and over, which means more and more pain .

Sorry, normally not this harsh and straight forward, yet, tried to give as much info in short amount of time, I'm working on the weekend when I should be relaxing .

In summary, although your pain feels dreadful and personal and you feel all alone, their is not one of us on this board who have not been down that road, it is a part of life, life in essecne is not good or bad, it is good and bad . Seems this is one of the rough parts.

In closing:

The No. 1 Way To Better The World, Is To Better Yourself


Go Forth & Prosper


Hoped That Helped
Good Luck

[Shibby]

Great response Trip. You know how to put it into words well.


bjbabe- I personally always like to here his opinion. He's helped me alot and seems to be great at what he does.

[bjbabe]

Thank you trip for the advice, I know that i have to focus on myself its time for me to have a back bone and to stand up for myself and to decide whats best and health for my life.

On the question if i cheated on him, i didn't we where not together when it happen but it is my fault that i slept with someone else cause i never told him. I couldn't i didn't know how. How do you tell the person that you love and care so much about that you slept with someone else. When that person got his ex girlfriend pregnant how can you compete with her how can you pertend that everything will be ok, with her in his life for the rest of his life.

But what i don't or can't understand is why i still love him. Why all i think about his him. Why no matter if i am out with my friends why i still want to be with him. I do love him a lot and i wish we can work things out. But all he does is always throw what i did in my face.

I thank you for all your advice, Now its up to me to figure out what i need in my life.

If you would see me now you would know that i am so lost with out him. At work and my friends they no longer see the smile that i once had. I lost myself and i don't know how to gain that back.

[Shibby]

Originally posted by bjbabe
Thank you trip for the advice, I know that i have to focus on myself its time for me to have a back bone and to stand up for myself and to decide whats best and health for my life.

On the question if i cheated on him, i didn't we where not together when it happen but it is my fault that i slept with someone else cause i never told him. I couldn't i didn't know how. How do you tell the person that you love and care so much about that you slept with someone else. When that person got his ex girlfriend pregnant how can you compete with her how can you pertend that everything will be ok, with her in his life for the rest of his life.

But what i don't or can't understand is why i still love him. Why all i think about his him. Why no matter if i am out with my friends why i still want to be with him. I do love him a lot and i wish we can work things out. But all he does is always throw what i did in my face.

I thank you for all your advice, Now its up to me to figure out what i need in my life.

If you would see me now you would know that i am so lost with out him. At work and my friends they no longer see the smile that i once had. I lost myself and i don't know how to gain that back.

Just remeber that your not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one that reads this and thinks "Ary you (insert name here)" as in do I know you. When reading that there were a couple girls names that quickly popped in my head. Your not to blame, it's just a lost cause. I just got finished trying to make my lost cause work. I may not be as happy as I use to be with her, but I am feeling more free. Getting that "little joy's" and know I close to the recent "big joy's".

[trip]

shibby,

thanks for the prop's, always nice too hear.

bjbabe,

I'll answer you're big question second.

On the issue of cheating, since it is not it is not, and since you were not together it is really none of his business. And basically agree with you not telling him, gosh if we told everyone all of our secrets their would be no mystery.

So, in this instance do not shoulder the responsibility because how you explained it you did nothing wrong . This is in essence called boundaries, meaning he has no right to be mad when you did nothing wrong, if he chooses to hold a grude and feel bad it only hurts himself.

Why you still love him.

No. 1 Fear ( of people ) Fear of Change: ( definition ) Anticipation of pain if something is different .

Well, you're whole life has now just changed, and probably were'ent even prepared for it .

So, basically everything is different, so when you look into the future, you can see all the differences and anticipate how painful they will be, and you actually feel the pain NOW, even before anything has happened, ( one of those we're our own worst enemy )

With him everything was set, you had security, while it may not have been perfect, at least nothing was unexpected, you had a general feel for what would happen, so security was set.

Now, well, no security , thus fear of change etc.

Okay, now that is one explanation .

And this is the reason why a good counselor can really help in these situations.

What I described above is a GENERAL thesis, kind of like the weather report, yeah, that's what it should be like today. Although we know, if may not be like that in the specifics.

There could be specific reason why you constantly think of him, such as:

Slight cases of:

obsessive compulsive disorder
Attention deficit disorder
trust issues
fear issues
chidhood issues
love issues

See, could be one of above or a number of other things. And here is the key, it sound like you are smart, you write well and have a good handle on the descriptive, plus you're inquisitive, all good traits for success. Often times in counseling it's a tiny little thing that people don't understand that opens up the blue skies, most times just need someone to point the way.

Here's a little something you can try, and we need to be honest here.

There is nothing wrong with still caring for him, not in the least, you have strong emotional bond and no reason that should not be cherished and respected.

Ask your selve and be very specific, maybe even write them down, what was healthy about relationship? and what positive things happened?

Try and veer your thoughts from some great emotional connection to the reality of what was .


You gave the answer in your post, it is time for you do be responsible for your own emotional healthy life. Make it simple on yourself, write down a few things you can do this week to start the ball rolling, pray for 20 minutes a day, sit on my couch look around the room and be thankful for all the goodness, compliment 3 people a day, thank a dozen people a day for their help, read a self-help book, start to journal maybe write 3 pages a day.

Take any action, any action is better than no action, and will lead you quicker to happiness.

good luck

[bad14u]

Originally posted by bjbabe
I do love him a lot and i wish we can work things out. But all he does is always throw what i did in my face.

If this is all he has and he wants to throw it in your face, then you're better off without this guy anyway! He has issues...major ones at that!!! If you keep hanging on to a hope that things will work out with him, you will never get over him! Buck up, move on and remember you deserve better than that! I know it's easier said than done but you will thank yourself in the long run! I can't remember where I saw this but....Don't be sad that's over, be happy that it happened! Kinda like...Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all!!!

[trip]

bad, that was good post, excellent heads up

When someone is constatnly throwing thing up in your face, it is not a healthy thing indeed, and usually as bad points out, an indicator of some underlying issues, usually trust

[bigcmonster]

Life is too short!

[rubberduckyo]

Originally posted by bad14u
If this is all he has and he wants to throw it in your face, then you're better off without this guy anyway! He has issues...major ones at that!!! If you keep hanging on to a hope that things will work out with him, you will never get over him! Buck up, move on and remember you deserve better than that! I know it's easier said than done but you will thank yourself in the long run! I can't remember where I saw this but....Don't be sad that's over, be happy that it happened! Kinda like...Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all!!!

What he said!!!

:agree:

[Spyder]

1st- girl I hate to tell you this but if that's his boy he told him it was you man I would never trust even my boy if he told me to stay blind folded so what they could have some fat chick blow me BS.
2nd- I love my chick I would never have her blow someone else what do you think everytime he kisses you that his friends C**k was in your mouth.
3rd why would he video tape that unless he was planing to use it on a site like this http://www.revengeworld.com

I commend you that you do what he wants and I myself am a freak but all in all the girls that I have dated that I flipped on my boys to do too I never planned on keeping yeah I told them that I loved them and shit like that but if I really did I wouldnt want them fucking around with anyone else

Last but not lease if a couple swing to keep the relationship healthy it wasn't healthy from the start or they wouldn't of hads to swing.

[Shibby]

maybe you made a mistake and posted in the wrong thread?