Is it worth it?

[redsquirrel]

Well, as some of you know I have just finished up my last gaining cycle for the year. And, I will tell you this- I am the biggest I have ever been in my life...to the point where I am uncomfortable. (160lbs at 15% BF) Since I am almost off, I am on the downward spiral. The water and bloat should be going away shortly.

BUT, I am really depressed. I have about 5 pairs of pants that I can get into. My legs and ass are wayyyy to big for regular clothing. Jesus, I tried on some cute blouses last night I was able to wear last spring, and I look ridiculous. I need to start buying L-XL in women's sizes. I was thinking about it, and I think I am going to have to start buying pants large enough to fit my legs and J. Lo booty and having them altered to fit my waist.

So, I ask all my ladies- is this really worth it??? You know we all strive and bust our asses to put on muscle.. I am honestly thinking of ways I can lose muscle. I feel abnormal. People at the gym look at me crooked all the time because I can usually move a lot of weight. People on the street look at me like I am deformed. the only clothes I am comfortable in are gym clothes. I just am having a real hard time justifying to myself why I should look like this. True, I will never, and i mean NEVER be this big again, but this next month or so is going to be hell on my mind.

[latman]

Just remember this, its all about you sweety! if you like who and how you look, then i would say f**k everyone else. By the sounds of it you sound hot to me . But just do whatever makes you happy. Do it for yourself not them. Im the same way Im 5'4" and I am right around 220lbs 9% b/f with 19 1/2 inch arms ,I know what its like to have everyone stare at you. But I eventually hope to trun pro and I do all this for my self and not them , I'll usually wear baggy cloths when i go out to, but thats all part of the bodybuilding and ive learned to except that. I know everyone tells me that if they had a body like mine they would show it off ,but thats not why I do it , not to show off. Bottom line sweety ,just do what makes you happy! and whatever will take you to your goals. Take care .

[ChicOnSwole]

I can understand where you are coming from. Being big myself, there are days I feel "too big" (especially when clothes shopping) but then there are other days I don't feel that way.

All in all, I'd have to say I love watching my muscles flex in the gym and yes I am bigger than most women but it's become so much of who I am - my identity if you will.

Personally, even though I'm big, I have the potential to be bigger and if I just stop then I'm not living up to my full potential. That is diluted I know but it's how I view my own body. As long as I'm lean then, for me, the bigger the better.

The stares are usually, in my experience, people appreciating the work it took to get where you are. The muscualr look is not for everyone but there isn't one person who can't appreciate all the dedication it takes to achieve that look.

Keep your head up - whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you!

[bonebreaker]

As voiced very eloquently in some of the previous posts. Be who you want to be, not what you perceive others may think a woman should be. There is only one person on this planet you are duty bound to care about what they think of you, only one, and that is YOU! Keep you chin up and always love yourself first, it'll all work out. I'm sure you look just great. Good luck. BB

[redsquirrel]

Originally posted by INTIMID8OR3
I know your looking for the ladies to reply but I just wanted to get this hug in ... Take care RS

Thanks, sweetie.:kiss:

...and thanks for the replies...it does make me feel a little better. I didn't even entertain the possiblity that people are staring because they are jealous or impressed. I haven't had a hard time up until this last cycle. I made it a doozie since it was my last one before my shows....I thought I always wanted it, and I do. I just never imagined I would feel this way about being a she-monster..LOL..

[Puddles]

Red, after your shows, take some downtime to think about what you want in the future for yourself. Coming off cycle always sucks, even though we don't have the same hormonal issues as men, we still have issues. Keep that in mind when you're getting down on yourself. These next few weeks are a phase that you need to work through. Maybe a little St. John's wart or 5-htp might help mentally. You said that you feel like you're contemplating ways to loose muscle...you know how that's done, train like a girl and don't eat enough protein. LOL Seriously, try to keep reminding yourself of your goal to compete, get through that, then figure out how you want to continue training and shaping your body. I've only done a few cycles myself, but I love them, but there is also the issue of how big does a woman want to be. Strength gains are a huge ego boost, but trying on clothes can really put a damper on the whole thing.

Big hugggggs to ya, hun.

BTW, I'm betting you look absolutely fantastic right now and just don't see that yourself...that's why people are looking at you!

[redsquirrel]

Thanks, MrsP....well, I went out Saturday night. I put on the attitude and put on my cutest halter, and looked as girlie as a Barbie doll. My husband was convinced I was gonna beat some bitch down for staring or saying something about the way I look. We went to dinner first, and he wanted me to get up and walk through the restuarant to see what the reactions were...

Well, no female gave me any crooked looks...a gal that my husband is training for one of the shows I am doing was out also. She had been at our house earlier that day, and her weight was 164 @ 15% BF , 5'9". I told her I was 4lbs lighter. Since she was 'rolling' her inhibitions were slim to none and she began telling me how she cannot believe how good I look. She said when I told her I was 160, she thought I had a lot of fat to be that heavy...But, when she saw me, she couldn't believe it. Then, she started going on and on about how if we go up against each other she wants us to be friends, not get catty, etc. Last year when she competed, she took on the attitude that she can beat anybody. I'm sure the x had a lot to do with what she said, but it seems to me she is a little intimidated. But, it also made me feel a lot better that I didn't look as ridiculous as I thought. HOWEVER, there's always an asshole in the bunch, right? Well, one of the guys who was out with us, said something about the size of my traps...something along the lines of the women are not supposed to have those...I'll see him tonight at the gym and see what he has to say; I'm hoping it was the alcohol talking.

As far as what I will do after my shows, I doubt I will do BBing again. I don't think I have the mental capacity to do it. I think I'll be doing fitness. Even then, you still have to hold a lot of muscle, but it's looked at in a more feminine light. You nailed it MrsP- trying on clothes brings you crashing back down to the reality that we are somewhat 'abnormal', and not as feminine as the rest of society may see us.